To the Light
by Little.Old.Lady007
Summary: AU Fanfic. After her mother's murder, Kate falls into drugs, sex and alcohol. One day she snaps and wakes up in the hospital convinced she is Detective Kate Beckett engaged to Mystery Writer Richard Castle, the makings of her drugged out delusions. She tries to cope with what really happened while finding her way back to the man she unconsciously fell in love with.
1. Chapter 1

The woman rolled to her side, extending her forearm so it would rest, playfully stroking, on the chest of the man she loved. This movement was so mechanically incrusted into her brain; she woke up with a jolt when her arm fell lump to the side of the bed. Her arm dangling beside the bed, she carefully opened her eyes. She tried to adjust her sight to the unfamiliar surroundings of the dimly lit room she was in. She rolled back on her back observing the ceiling, her head was pounding with the millions of questions scattered about in her head.

When her eyes had adjusted and her head had finally stopped pounding, she finally sat up in the single bed she was in. Boy was she thirsty. Pulling off the covers and pivoting, she pressed her feet on the cold linoleum floor. Her outfit caught her attention. It wasn't exactly her idea of a convenient wardrobe choice; it wasn't even her idea of nightwear. The light blue sweatpants and white long-sleeved sweater were comfortable and warm, but they weren't hers or her fiancé's. Her breathing started to fasten; she really wasn't liking what she was seeing, she didn't recognise any of it.

_What's the last thing I remember? _

She searched for a clue, a memory, anything at all, but all she managed to do was let the pounding sensation and intense migraine come crashing back.

She lifted herself up, pushing herself with her arms off of the bed and quickly looked around the small room. Her legs felt extremely weak, her thighs slightly trembling under the weight of her own body. The bare walls of beige concrete blocks weren't her idea of an inviting decor and the small bed, nightstand and set of drawers weren't conveying anything good either, but what appalled her most was the resounding silence. She had long ago learned: silence was never of good omen.

Her eyes glided towards the closed door, she wasn't sure if her mind was making it up but she could swear she could detect some movement on the other side of the wall. Carefully moving closer to the small window, she distinguished something that looked like shadows. It definitely wasn't her mind playing tricks. If she concentrated long enough, light footsteps could be heard through the crack below the door. She directed herself towards the door as fast as her dulled out legs would take her and yanked on the knob.

The door was locked.

_Of course, I'm locked in this gloomy, gloomy looking room. _

Once more, her hands firmly pressed against her temples, she tried remembering.

_Come on Kate, just think. What were you guys working on? Were we following a lead? Chasing a suspect? Maybe I was kidnapped, held against my will. But by whom?_

She suddenly felt dizzy, the walls trying reposition themselves around her, the floor wobbly under her feet. Queasy, she closed her eyes and leaned on the wall, her hand carefully placed over her stomach.

_You have to go for it, Beckett. You don't know how long it's been. There's no time like the present._

Taking a chance and hoping for the best, she vehemently knocked on the door. Patting on the glass she tried to shout out "Help!" The words wouldn't come out; she could now unquestionably feel the dryness of her mouth and its roof. The thick saliva in her mouth was making it painful to swallow. As she gently massaged her throat, trying to cough, she caught a glimpse of someone, down the hallway. She tapped the window, mouthing "Help". The woman looked right at her, a small smirk on her face, but continued her way down the corridor, fastening her pace.

_Great. Excellent thinking, Kate. Amazing police work. They're probably discussing how to get rid of you right this instant._

She turned around, defeated, and sat back on the hard mattress, her head in her hands, shaking. She inhaled; she exhaled, trying to control her breathing.

_What the hell is wrong with me?_

She heard the doorknob turn and she jumped to her feet as she saw the door open cautiously. She backed up against the wall furthest from the person who had just entered, and watched as the man closed the door behind him. She wanted to run, scream, and let him know he wouldn't get away with killing a member of the police force, but she froze.

"Good morning Katherine," he said as he sent a smile in her direction.

_Katherine? Who the hell calls me Katherine?_

Suspiciously eyeing the man, she desperately tried to piece things together, but everything was blank.

"I'm glad you're awake, but let's try to be more discrete, no more pounding on the door. It's still very early and I wouldn't want you to wake up the others." He was still smiling.

_The others? There are more of us here. They must also have Castle, maybe Espo or Ryan; I need to find a way out. God, can he please stop smiling like a psycho; he's seriously freaking me out._

The man could feel Kate's uneasiness caused by his presence. She was playing with her fingers, rocking her body back and forth, but at least she was up. Her eyes were locked on him. He wasn't even certain he'd seen her blink since he had entered her room, but at least she was acknowledging his presence, which was definitely welcomed progress.

"This is good, really good, Katherine. Today is a good day. It's the most receptive I've seen you in in months."

_We've been here for months? How? Where…_

Her eyes widened. Was it fear, anger or intrigue, he couldn't tell, but he was happy to see any change in her demeanor. He tried to encourage her to say what she was thinking.

She cleared her throat; hoping sounds would make their way out of her mouth this time. Her voice hoarse, she said, "Where are you keeping Castle?"

"I'm sorry, Katherine. I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about. A castle?"

Coughing dryly, the man was surely playing with her, but her thoughts were unclear, everything a blur, so she continued, "Yeah. My… hummm. Rick… hummm. Richard Castle?"

"Oh, right," he tried to shorten the distance between them, taking a few steps in her direction, but when she tried to back up further against the wall, he backed away. There was no way he would be doing anything that might send the young woman back into her stupor. From a safe distance, he added, "Your dad told me you'd want to have them. He packed some for you. He was persuaded you'd want them with you when you came back to us. Check the night stand," his fingers motioning towards it.

_My dad? What does he have to with any of this? He's involved?_

How was it possible to be even more confused now, then when she had woken up? She frantically opened the drawer and sat back down on the bed, spreading out her latest findings. Incredulous, she stared at the books scattered before her: Death of a Prom Queen, Kissed and Killed, A Calm Before the Storm.

_What in the hell is going on?_

* * *

**I know this is kind of… weird? Popped in my head after my roommate told me she was happy my addiction limited itself to caffeine.**

**Please, please let me know what you think!**


	2. Chapter 2

He had been watching her for the last fifteen minutes, making himself as little and as silent as possible, mentally taking notes. She hadn't moved much in those minutes. The books she had found, her books, the ones she had asked him for, had caused a lethargic reaction in his young patient. He was amazed in the difference he was seeing from the women he had met with yesterday. She had been here for seven weeks. It had been seven weeks of silent sleep-walking dullness. He could make out the difference in her eyes, the glimmer that told him there was still someone inside, but he was afraid her mind was slowly going away again. He was hoping she'd fight. He cared for all his patients, but this young woman, she was different.

Katherine Beckett was the daughter of an old friend. He hadn't known her, her father and he had lost touch after university. He had shaken her hand at the funeral, but that was it. He could tell though, bare this woman of her demons and she could have been beautifully successful. The murder of her mother when she was barely 19 had caused this infernal descent to hell. She had stopped living, buried her head deep into denial and hadn't gotten up for a breath ever since. Some people were functioning addicts, she, without a doubt, was not. At 24, Katherine Beckett was a hard core addict, probably making it in his top 10 worst list.

When Jim had called him, asking for a favor regarding his little girl, the tremor in his voice was enough to make him accept. Never would Dr. Marx have imagined the saddened women he had met 5 years back, would have turned out like this. He had been taken aback the first time, literally, backing a few steps when he had seen her. She was in a bad shape, her arms completely mutilated by the years of abuse, her medical file heavier than a brick. He would never acknowledge this to anyone, ever, but he was surprised that, at the rate she was going, she had survived this long. He was surprised she hadn't died of an overdose before turning the meager age of 22.

Now, after weeks of lethargy, she was responsive and he was anxious to see how the trauma and dependence had affected her mind. This early morning 'chat' was the first time he had heard the sound of her voice. Today, she had talked; she had moved. No matter how silenced she now seemed, it was still a good day.

Not wanting to startle her, he decided his best option for the moment was to simply let her be. As he carefully directed himself towards the door, her head jerked in his direction. He stopped and she stared.

After seconds, or maybe minutes, of stillness, she broke the silence, "This is a joke, right? I'm being punked?" Kate wasn't laughing, though, not even the hint of a smile could be perceived on her tired expression. She thought none of it was funny. If the guys were up to this; it was a sick, sick joke.

"No," answered the man sharing the room with her, as he slowly went on shaking his head.

"This… I… I…"she tried formulating a clear thought.

_Why is everything such a blur? I feel so powerless, so vulnerable. I hate this…_

"My dad… he's not involved in this. I mean, he can't…"

"Yes, he is. He's w-"

"I don't believe you," she said as she pulled on the collar of her sweater searching for the chain, craving the familiar touch of the ring she always kept safely around her neck. When her fingers brushed the bare skin of her sternum, her heart started pounding violently and her breathing became unequal. She nervously brushed her thumb over her ring finger, only to realise her engagement ring was gone too. She opened her mouth; her breaths were fast and loud, as her panic continued to grow.

"You… You… You took my stuff." She was panicking, hysterically shifting her weight from one foot to the other, biting her lip to the point it would leave a mark. The man was observing her, analysing her reactions debating internally on how best to deal with her. How could he explain, when he didn't fully understand? Kate didn't appreciate the pause, threatened by the look.

_Stop staring dammit!_

Her tone had suddenly changed from panic to anger, "I don't understand. I want to talk to my fiancé, you can't do that. You can't keep me!" He could still perceive the slight hint of doubt portrayed in her tone.

When he tried to answer, it sent her over the edge. She could feel him, looking at her, puzzled, like they weren't even speaking the same language, and the last ounce of self-control she had managed to salvage was gone. With that, Kate seemed to regain full control of her voice. She exploded. "I want to leave. You can't detain me against my will. I want my things, my phone, my…."

"Katherine, let's talk this through."

"It's Kate, god dammit. There is _nothing_ to talk about. I won't let you, or anyone, detain me against my will. What the hell do you want from me?"

"It's okay, Kate. You're okay."

Something snapped. She jerked towards him, ready to strangle him, her legs were still wobbly but she didn't care.

The doctor, with a few paces towards the exit and a look to the hallway, motioned the nurses it was time to intervene. Two people rushed into the room. She was still screaming, her hands waving in space, about to stroke the man in front of her. One man grabbed her by the shoulders, containing her, while the other pulled down her pants. She screamed for mercy. Her eyes were bulging with terror and her body was contorting, trying to free itself of the tight grasp it was in. Missing a breath, she uncontrollably coughed, her lungs lacking oxygen, as she watched the man take a syringe out from his back pocket and stab her in the thigh.

Her breathing calmed down and she suddenly felt lightheaded as her eyelids became heavy. Fighting the urge to sleep, her head helplessly fell forward.

* * *

**I know the ages don't match, but this is because I don't think her father would have let her go on for 10+ years before doing something. Since they're delusions, I decided I could pretty much do what I wanted with it!**

**I opted for shorter chapters, but faster updates, but if you prefer longer chapters, let me know, it can be done!**

**Thank you all for the favs and follows. I really enjoy reading what you think, please continue reviewing, all comments welcome :) **


	3. Chapter 3

_This is a dream, only a dream. A really bad one, but it's just a dream. None of this is real. This is a dream, only a dream._

The woman had been unconsciously repeating this thought to herself, over and over again, as her eyelids flickered, reminiscent of REM sleep. She finally scurried up enough strength to lift her heavy eyelids and open her eyes, only to face the bare concrete blocks, once more. Realising she was in the same room, where she had woken up earlier, she breathed in deeply, biting the interior of her lip, as her eyes started to water.

_Snap out of it, Beckett!_

She tried to move, to get up, only to realise her wrists were contained, firmly stuck to the side of single bed. The tears a distant memory, she jerked the restraints with anger. Trying to control her breathing, she failed to repress the panic overcoming her. She pulled on her arms and twisted, unrealistically hoping to slide them out. Her heartbeat quickened, frustration building as she pulled harder and harder. As the tips of her fingers began to feel numb, she loosened her tug for a second. With rage she wriggled on the bed. With the help of her legs, her knees jerked up and her feet firmly planted on the bed, she gave a tug backwards hoping the force momentum would be enough to free herself from the confinement of the bed. The swaying caused the bed to move and its metal base bumped against the wall, creating a bang.

_Shit._

The sound hadn't been that loud, but it seemed amplified in the secluded environment as it echoed through her empty room and mind. Tied to the bed, she stopped moving and closed her eyes, hoping it would discourage any unwanted visitors. Scanning the door, with her eyes barely open, she spotted a woman peeking through the glass, and when her shadow disappeared, Kate could hear the distant sound of her heels clicking away.

_Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit._

Moments later, the man she had tried to strangle entered her room as if nothing had happened. He was back in her proximity and she was stuck, stuck on this bed; she definitely couldn't defend herself. She was at his mercy, helpless and she definitely wasn't enjoying the feeling.

He was hiding his surprise that she was already awake; they had given her a strong dose. The doctor watched with empathy, silently cursing the events that had brought her here, to him, as she desperately tried to free herself from the bed.

He closed the door behind him and as the door clicked shut, she screamed, "You won't get away with this! You'll have the NYPD on your back if you don't let me go!"

Without a word, he bit the interior of his lip and let his back slide against the wall. He sat down on the floor facing the bed where she could see him and he waited. He waited for her to calm down; there really was nothing for him to do. It wasn't like reasoning with her when she was this agitated would do any one of them, any good. She squirmed and struggled with the constraints, but he could see the stress was getting to be too much for her frail, recently sedated body. Slowly she gave up, stopped struggling and just stared. Her gaze wasn't blank like it used to, it was powerful, determined.

Kate wasn't blinking, she was in a staring contest with her persecutor and there is no way she was going to let her eyes wander, she wanted him to know there was no messing with her.

Still sitting on the floor, trying to maintain the composure of his patient, he started, "Are you ready to talk now, Kate?"

"I don't know what you want from me," she answered dryly.

"I'm here to help y-"

"Doubt that, giving the fact that I'm presently tied to a bed." she quickly cut him off.

"It's for safety measures, Kate. Yours. And mine."

She lets out a fake laugh, "Ha. Safety. Shit... If that helps you sleep at night."

There is another silenced pause broken by the doctor when he felt it was safe to talk again.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Not like I'm going anywhere," she huffed.

"What do you think this is?"

She was now calmer, a quaint smile forming. She could do this; she just had to keep this up long enough for the guys to find her. He wanted her to talk, she would talk. "Revenge, ransom, torture, hostage takeover or anything along the lines of. But don't worry, I'll pull through. Always have, always will. You won't know what'll hit you." She was starting to get cocky.

_Pull it down a notch, Beckett. You're tied here, remember?_

He looks at her, nodding his head, "mm."

He got up and directed himself towards the woman; she was struggling on the bed, trying in vain to escape.

_Shit. Shit. Beckett. What did you do?_

"I'm Dr. Stephan Marx," he said pointing to the name tag on his blouse.

"And that's supposed to make me trust you? Everybody lies. Plus, do you know how many supposedly respected doctors I arrested for murder? Too many."

"So you're a police officer?"

"Detect-" she stopped, why was she engaging with him, he was obviously playing with her, trying to get her to lash out again.

"I'm going to show you something, Kate. Are you ready?"

_What the hell? Stop touching me!_

Her eyes widened as the man crouched beside her and slowly pulled the sleeve of her sweater up, revealing her forearm. She jumped, jerking her scarred arm away from her as she studied in terror the lesions and bruises caused by years of neglect. She furrowed her brow and opened her mouth slightly as her jaw twitched repeatedly.

_Eww. What? Oh my god! I can't. I don't. _

"What did you do to me?" she wept.

"Kate you did this to yourself. I just want to help you."

"I want my fiancé. I want to talk to Rick, why are you torturing me? I don't understand. Please. Please, please, please let me talk to him," she begged as she started sobbing uncontrollably. Her wrists were still constrained but her legs had crept up to her body, her knees folded close to her mid-section. The reminiscence of the sedative still pumping in her veins finally caught up with her as she cried herself to sleep.

* * *

**Thoughts? Comments? Complaints?**


	4. Chapter 4

After carefully closing the door to her room, he had marched back to his office for the first time of the day. It had been a long, long day and it wasn't even close to being finished. He directed himself towards the chair behind the massive oak desk and sat down. He leaned back, his arms behind his neck and he breathed in a couple of times. He closed his eyes letting the sizzling afternoon rays warm his face as took a moment for himself; he needed to get his spirits back before continuing. After a moment, he repositioned himself steadily in the chair and picked up the phone. Searching for the little yellow post-it in his desk and verifying the digits he had taken down, he composed.

After 2 rings the person on the other end of the call answered, "Hello?"

"Hey Jim, it's me. Ste-" the doctor started.

"Yeah. I know. I recognized you Marx. Is my daughter ok?" he asked even though he seemed to have given up. The doctor understood where the hopelessness was coming from, their last couple of conversations hadn't been easy and he felt bad for his friend. Jim sounded exhausted; he hadn't been sleeping well since his daughter had been committed. Steve, concerned for his well-being, had offered to write him a prescription for sleeping pills, but Jim had shrugged it off, so he didn't push it.

Steve was happy to be the bearer of good-_ish_ news today. "It's actually why I called. We spoke today. Nothing very coherent, but we spoke. It's a very big step in the right direction. I thought you'd like to know."

The doctor could make out a loud sigh of relief on the other end. "You don't know how happy I am to hear you say that. So, this means she's doing better?" His tone seemed lighter, to the great pleasure of Dr. Marx. This man hadn't had the easiest past couple of years.

"She's engaging which is a very good sign, but I can't tell you she's not confused. I'm hopeful, though." The doctor had chosen to omit some of the events of the day. He wasn't lying, but there was no need to worry the man even more; Jim had enough on his plate already.

"Thank you. Thank you so much Stephan. I should have come to you sooner. I should never have let it get that bad. I never…"

"This is not your fault, Jim. None of this is."

"Oh, but it is. I should never have…" and his voice wandered off, he was clearly lost in his thoughts.

* * *

_FlLASHBACK_

_3 YEARS AGO._

_As he heard the sound of clinking keys, he could make out the movements of someone clearly struggling to unlock the front door. He jumped from the couch. Approaching the entrance, he watched as his daughter came through the door. He was still slightly startled by her looks, he could never get used to it. He could barely recognise his girl with smudged up make-up, tussled hair and a skirt that was barely long enough to cover her ass._

_He wasn't sure yet how this would all pan out, but he wouldn't let her flee the confrontation like she always managed to do. They were going to talk. Tonight. He quickly approached her, the relief predominant in his voice, "God, Katie. You had me worried sick. Where were you?"_

_"I was out," she answered as she tugged on her heels, one of her hands steadily pressing on the wall beside her, needing its help to prevent herself from falling over._

_"No kidding you were out. You've been out for 2 days. I was about to call the cops, Kate," he suddenly sounded angrier. He loved her, but she was seriously pushing his buttons._

_"Geez, dad, just relax," she said as she finally managed to bare her feet from the heels and headed towards the bathroom._

_She had him wrapped around her little finger from the day she was born, but that was it. He had waited; he had tried to be patient. He knew her mother's death had been hard on her, but enough was enough. He grabbed her by the arm, making her turn around towards him and halting her route. "Sit down," he commanded as he pointed the couch._

_She rolled her eyes and smirked. "What's this about, dear old dad?" she asked as she approached her face from his, their noses barley an inch away, and pinched his cheek, like this was all a joke._

_Looking into those green eyes, he suddenly lashed out, "You're high again, aren't you?"_

_"So?" she answered with defiance but avoiding his stare._

_"Katherine Houghton Beckett, this has to stop. It has to stop right now. I can't take it anymore. I was fine with you dropping out of Stanford and coming back home after your m-"_

_"Don't." she loudly cut off with rage, but he was still not letting go of the grasp he had on her wrist._

_"It's been almost 2 years, Katie. And what are you doing? Nothing. You need to get a grip, make something useful of yourself."_

_"I'm 21, dad. Nothing wrong with having a little bit of fun."_

_"Bringing random jackasses in my house every other day is NOT a little bit of fun, Katherine. It's plain disrespect. Getting high daily is NOT a little bit of fun. It's dangerous and reckless, especially considering the crowd you're hanging out with." he uttered. "I have nothing wrong with a little bit of fun, but this is not what this is. _This_ is not fun," he continued as his hand motioned towards her._

_As she was about to storm off, he tugged her towards the couch and sternly said "Sit."_

_When he gave her a little push so she'd fall back on the couch, a small bag fell out of her skirt's pocket. They both watched as the bag hit the living room carpet. Kate slightly moved her feet over so it would be concealed from his view, but he had already seen it. Calmly removing her foot, he picked it up and closed his eyes. For a couple of seconds he concentrated on his breathing. The girl was going to be the death of him._

_"Coke? You're doing cocaine now?" he roared out, clearly those breathers hadn't calmed him down, at all._

_"It's nothing dad."_

_"Nothing? Seriously? You have got to be kidding me here, Katherine" he was riled up now. He wished Johanna was here, she would have known how to handle this. He could already feel himself losing his cool. "Who? Who gave this to you?" he screamed as he shook the drugs in her face. "Samuel? Brandon? Harrison? Or one of the other 20 low-life guys that've passed through here this month?"_

_"You're making me out as a slut, dad!"_

_"Taking drugs, random guys. This isn't you, Kate."_

_"Maybe this is me, the new me."_

_"Katie, this is it. You either get your life under control or you're out. There will be no drugs in my house, do you understand?"_

_"Fine!" she bawls out as she grabbed her purse and stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door on her way out._

_To this day, Jim wished this conversation would have ended differently._

* * *

PRESENT DAY

Heading to the common room area, he decided to take a slight detour to walk past Kate's room. He needed to make sure she was okay. He had told the nurses to take the constraints off after she had fallen asleep again and he hoped it had been a good call. As, he peaked through the glass, he was surprised to find her sitting on the bed, cross-legged.

As he opened the door and peaked his head in, she looked at him, faked a smile and said, "Hey, Doc. I think I'm ready to talk."

* * *

**Any thoughts? Complaints? Ideas?**


	5. Chapter 5

She had fallen asleep crying, begging for him and there he was, in her vicinity once more. Watching him from afar, she smiles. She's standing on the sidewalk, squinting her eyes as she recognises the back of his head through the window of the coffee shop, _their_ coffee shop. She grins at the way he runs his hand through his hair, a movement he unconsciously does when he is feeling stressed out. Her heart beat quickens as she starts walking towards the door.

She wants to run, to go jump up in his arms. She wants to let her hands run through his hair, her fingers caressing the outline of his jaw as his blue eyes meet her hers. Most of all, she wants the proximity of his body on hers, the warmth of his chest, the smell of his cologne overpowering her as their tongues familiarly dance, but she can't. Kate doesn't seem to have any control over her movements, she feels like a spectator in her own body. Her movements automatic, she pulls on the door and it dings, making her entrance known.

When he turns around towards the direction of the noise, a younger version of the man she was marrying stands before her. The way he looks right through her, forcing a polite smile makes her heart sink. He doesn't know her. Their shoulders brush as he hurries out of the shop, 2 travel mugs in his hands. Breathing heavily, she takes a step forward, closing the distance between her and the barista, staring at her feet.

The step makes Kate fumble over a door that crashes open to reveal a small crammed bathroom. She can hear music loudly thumping in the background. Tumbling behind with her are 3 other people, one of them manages to catch her by the waist before she hits the linoleum floor. They're laughing and all four of them are talking loudly to bury the loud music. There movements are sluggish and their conversations lack sense. The tall blond lets go of waist after gently kissing her temple and the small brunette giggles as she locks the wooden door behind them, leaning over it and biting her lower lip.

These people feel vaguely familiar, but she couldn't tell who any of them are. The giggling girl looks at them with a mischievous smile and takes out something buried deep in the pockets of her skin tight jeans. Kate's had some rebel days, but she had always managed to stay away from drugs. She's taken aback by the cocaine in the girl's hand. Why would she be hanging out with these people? Kate was always down to kick down a few with the guys, but this? The brunette spreads the powder out on the counter. The second guy gets behind her and his head over her shoulder, his hands around her, he pulls out his credit card and divides the powder into four shallow bands.

The white lines stand out over the dark counter top and Beckett watches the scene unfold before her eyes. She anticipates what comes next, but doesn't approve of it. There is no way out of this situation as she isn't the one controlling the ship that is her body. As the brunette pulls a dollar bill from her bra and rolls it, she snorts a line. Closing her eyes with delight and inhaling loudly, she passes her the bill, "Becks?"

She tends her arm to grab the dollar and the blond guy smiles at her and wiggles his eyebrows as he bits his lower lip. He grabs her ass and using his hand positioned on her behind, pushes her forward. Kate takes the roll from the girl's hand and approaches the counter with purpose. She bends her head over the counter bringing the bill to the entrance of her nostrils. She closes her eyes as she sucks in and feels the sting of the drugs traveling through her nasal cavities.

She shoots back her head and when she opens her eyes she's in a different environment. It's silent and dim. It's hot in the room. She sits up on the mattress and pulls the dulled out comforter from over her to reveal a man, bare chest, on her side. She can't believe she's just realising his presence, he snores like something out of this world.

She pulls her knees to her chins and observes the man. He has a blue elastic band tied around his bicep and the pattern of his arms indicates he's a regular user. Looking upon the foot of the mattress she spots the spoons, the lighters and the needles scattered about on the floor of the messy bedroom. She lets her tongue snap on her teeth and he pushes the man to his side.

Running her hand through her face, she slowly gets up and exits the bedroom.

Passing through the arc of the door, she takes a step forward and lands face to face with the one and only, Richard Castle. He's seated in front of her, piles of books on his sides.

Looking up to her with his gorgeous baby blue eyes, he asks politely, "Hi, thanks for coming. Who do I make this out to?"

She stutters a bit as she finds the words she's looking for, "Could you make it out to Johanna. You were my mom's favorite…"

She doesn't finish her thought as she suddenly feels queasy. With her hand over her stomach, she closes her eyes and takes a few steps back as bright spots blind her vision. He's quick to his feet, violently pushing away his chair. His hand is supporting the small of her back, the other cupping her elbow. She's breathing heavily, trying to control her urge to vomit. She lightly turns her head towards his face and smiles shyly. He's so close to her, she can feel his touch, his warmth. She'd stay like this forever.

Kindly, he asks, "You don't look so well miss. Want me to call anyone for you, your husband maybe?"

"No, thank you. I'm fine, Mr. Castle."

"My friends call me Castle," he answers with a charming wink.

She smiles but the spots get brighter and suddenly her knees buckle and she falls limply in his arms, out of consciousness.

Everything is dark. Her heart is pounding, as if it wants to get out of her chest. She can feel the bed under her body; she can feel the pressure on her biceps, it's hands, fingers. "Katie?"

She could feel the light shake of her body as her head wobbled helplessly. "Katie!" She could perceive the worry in her dad's voice but she couldn't get herself to open her eyes.

"Dammit, Kate just open your eyes!" he was now shaking her a bit harder. "Katie, you can't be fuckin' going this to me."

When he lets go, her body falling back limply on the mattress she can feel nothing. He's gone, leaving her with only blackness, total blackness. She hears the faint sound of footsteps approaching and she feels the shock as cold water splashes onto her face.

She woke up in a jolt, panting, realising she's still in the room surrounded by the concrete block walls. She knew she'd slept but she didn't feel replenished, she felt exhausted.

_What the hell was that? _

She wanted some answers. Hell, she _needed_ some answers. She sat on her bed and waited, someone was bound to come check on her sooner or later. She was thinking about reaching out for a book as she waited, but advised against it. When the doctor peaked his head in the room, she smiled, a token that she wouldn't lash out like earlier. As calmly as she possibly could at this moment in time, she stated, "Hey Doc, I think I'm ready to talk."

* * *

**This is obviously Beckett starting to remember her real life. Dreams/Flashbacks are in no particular order.**

**Thoughts? Comments? Complaints?**


	6. Chapter 6

The sun was a couple of hours past its prime. Silently, they watched as the clouds danced around in the sky. Upon her request, Kate and the psychiatrist had retreated from the conditioned air of the concrete structure. The confinement of the four walls was making her dizzy. She couldn't bear to look at the naked room for another second. Following her lead, the doctor had sat down in the grass next to her, on the small parcel of land that was fronting the tall building they had left. With her knees up and her chin resting upon them, her hands were hugging around her legs. Kate was gently rocking her body back and forth, her mind obviously somewhere else.

The silence had lasted a couple of minutes and Dr. Marx checked his watch subtly. He wanted nothing more than to talk, understand what had been going on in that head of hers, but if she wasn't ready, he wasn't going to push. He had rescheduled everything he possibly could for her, but there were some things he still needed to get to. He had other patients and when working with mentally unstable individuals, the one this he always wanted to provide them was consistency. As he watched the hand on his watch tick, he felt he was running out of time. Hoping he wasn't being to bold, he asked gently, "Kate, I know this is difficult for you, but you told me you wanted to talk."

She huffed loudly and she rolled her eyes as she said, resigned, "I know."

She turned her face slightly towards him, her eyes pleading, and added, "I just don't know where to start. It's so…" She let the thought die out without being able to properly formulate it.

"Let's start with: how are you feeling?"

After paused reflection, she answered, "Confused." Her thumb and index brushed her eyebrows and she left them there, stretching the skin above her eyes as she shook her head, "So fucking confused."

"It's a good starting point. What's confusing you?"

"Everything," she closed her eyes as her hand descended to cover her mouth. With a slight tremor in her voice and tears filling the corners of her eyes, she continued, "I can't even tell who I fucking am anymore." Fleeing his stare, she bit the inside of her lip as her chest's erratic movements betrayed her.

"Kate, you have to help he understand. I want to help."

She wanted to be helped, really she did. She just didn't know how to explain without sounding like a complete lunatic and embarrassing herself. She paused and thought for a second. Resolute, she started, "I had these flashes earlier, these fragments of a life that can't possibly be mine. They don't_ feel_ like mine. But then I look at myself and I look at this place, at you…My guess is I'm not really a homicide detective."

He smiled at her, cautiously placing a hand on his shoulder and gently squeezing it. "You need to take this process slowly, Kate."

"This is so fucking frustrating. I want it to stop." She wailed as she ran her hands through her hair and closed her eyes. "I can't really remember anything after… you know… _it_. It's just so messed up."

"It's okay, I'm sure you will. You managed _a lot_ today. You need to not overburden yourself. Don't pressure yourself, it will come back eventually. You need to concentrate on getting better. Okay?"

She smiled shyly and nodded.

"What do you think happened after you know... it?"

She shook the hand off her and slowly lowered her head until her forehead was lying on her knees. She wasn't ready to talk about it. This life, it may have been in her head but it was all she had. It felt real and she wanted to keep it that way for as long as possible.

She would have been unable to say how long she had been there. She had managed to supress the sounds surrounding her until a hand landed on her shoulder, gently shaking her. She reluctantly got her head back up and stared at the man standing beside her and Dr. Marx told her, "Kate, I really need to get going. But if you want to stay outside I can call a nurse to come stay with you. Would you want that?"

"No it's fine. I'll go back up with you. Thanks, Doctor," she answered and managed to smile.

He held out his hand and she took it, helping her to her feet. They went back inside, crossed the lobby and called the elevator. The doors opened and they let two people out before entering. She watched as the doctor pushed on the 12. The doors closed and they started moving up.

She shook her head as the memory of the 12th twirled in her brain. Placing a hand on her stomach, she declared, "I'm really hungry."

He smiled at the remark and checked his watch. "There should be snacks in the common area. I'll drop you off there."

* * *

The assortment of fruit on the table had her mouth watering. Her stomach growled and she tried to remember the last time she had eaten, which, of course, rendered useless. She plated a couple of pieces of melon and a couple of berries before sitting down on a sofa chair. She let her glare sweep across the room to the people scattered going about their business, more or less paying any attention to her. Some eyed her reproach, others with anxiety, but most just didn't seem to notice her. She observed the people around her.

_Yup. I'm in the crazy house. I. Am. In. The. Crazy House. Jesus freakin' Cr-_

Suddenly breaking her out from her stupor a woman exclaimed from behind her, "Hey, girl! You seem to be doing particularly well today."

The relief overpowered the surprise as Kate quickly turned around towards the sound of the familiar voice. With her eyes in awe, her heart pumping with excitement and a smile creeping up her face, she beamed out, "Lanie?" as she resisted the urge to jump up and hug the familiar face.

The woman was wearing scrubs and pushing a cart. She seemed genuinely happy with Kate's enthusiasm, as she answered with a smile, "It's Lory, actually, but close enough. Didn't think you were really listening to me blabbing about." She took Kate's hand in hers and let the contents of a small plastic cup fall to her palm.

Kate reluctantly eyed the 3 pills in her hand before asking, "What's this?"

"Just your meds, honey. Go on take them they're good for you," the nurse answered with a smile. "Water?"

Kate shook her head as she brought her palm to her lips.

* * *

**Thoughts? Comments? Complaints?**


	7. Chapter 7

The nurse smiled at her as she went to continue her rounds, pushing the medicine cart towards the next patient. Beckett's eyes must have been the clear window to her emotions, because without even saying it, without even moving her body, Lory seemed to know. The woman seemed to see, to understand the distress in her eyes, the yearning in her body, the desire for something finally familiar. A couple of feet away, the woman in scrubs paused and smiled. She put her index finger up and with a wink; Lory announced she'd be back. For the first time in this long tumultuous day, Kate seemed to relax as she buried her body in the sofa.

Kate had closed her eyes, trying not to think about how messed up all of this really was, still not fully understanding its implications. A couple of minutes later, Lory came back, free of the cart, as she extended her hand to Kate, asking with her friendly tone, "So girl, how about I show you around?"

"I'd like that. It would be nice," answered Kate with a shy smile as she took the hand offered to help her to her feet.

"Good," added Lory, a smile beaming, as both woman stood face to face. The smaller woman hooked their arms together and started walking pulling Kate with her.

Together, their arms tied, they walked through the common areas. The walked across the sofas; they bypassed the food; they looked through the windows and they saluted the people they met. Lory was talking, the familiar voice, the expressions, the nicknames, all appeasing to Kate. She explained the procedures, how they operated there. Kate was introduced to people, doctors, nurses, patients, some of them who already seemed to know her, some of them even felt familiar. But for the most part, Kate felt like it was her first time there.

The tour of the common areas was over, but Kate was holding on to the woman like someone would cling to its lifejacket after being thrown in the river. She was swimming in rapids and there had been no rock to hold on to until the friendly face had come along. She was not ready to let go.

They walked through the corridors, up and down, Lory talking and Kate listening. When it had been clear to the nurse, that Kate wasn't ready to let go just yet, she had started talking. She talked about everything and anything, about the weather, about her cat, about her boyfriend who she'd fought with the night before and Kate was more than grateful to have an escape from her own thoughts.

Turning her face towards the tall woman at her arm and smiling, Lory jokingly stated, hoping to get a few words out of the woman, "I always thought you were a good listener, girl, hope I'm not boring you with all this relationship mumbo-jumbo."

Kate smiled, her first genuine smile of the day, at the women and shook her head, "I'm grateful, actually."

They changed corridors and passing in front of the nurses' station, Lory waved at her co-workers. Kate did her best to smile at them.

Leaving the desk behind them, as they continued their walk, Kate still could make out the murmuring of one nurse to the other. "Poor girl, so much stress. I guess, he finally managed to get her meds right. Did you hear about her-"

The rest of the conversation was lost to her as Lory unhooked their arms and extended her arm around Kate's shoulder, bringer her closer. Their shoulders were colliding and Lory put her hand over her ear and laid the taller woman's head over her shoulder. Kate wasn't ready to hear that, and silently, she cursed at the other women for their lack of compassion. This kind of stress was exactly what had had her snap in the first place.

Kate was surprised, by the gesture, but she leaned into it. She couldn't tell if that was what finally made it click, but finally, she was over the denial stage, slowly tending to acceptance. She trusted the woman and even though she knew Lanie and Lory weren't one, when she looked at that face, she saw a friend. A confidant to whom she could finally say what was going on in her head. "Hey Lory, tell me something. How long have I been here?"

The nurse smiled, nodding, "How about we talk over coffee?"

Kate's eyes lit up to the mention of her drink of choice. Coffee would be great. Coffee would be awesome, actually.

The nurse's smile grew even bigger at Kate's reaction. They both halted and double-backed.

Stopping beside what looked like the entrance to an office, Lory told her, "Wait here," as she knocked. Kate waited beside the arch of the open door, leaning on the wall observing her surroundings and listening.

Even though the voices where hushed whispers, she could still make out most of the conversation going on, on the other side of the wall.

"Lory, are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, just yesterday…" Kate could hear the doctor's muffled voice from where she was standing.

"We'll just go to the downstairs visitor's cafeteria. Look Steve, she needs this. It will be good for her."

Doctor Marx sighed in acceptance and Kate was grateful.

They had sat down, and Kate felt safe, safer than she had in a very long time, so she talked. She wasn't even sure any of it actually made sense but she needed everything out. She talked about Castle; she talked about her job as a homicide detective. She told her about waking up here about realising she wasn't the person she thought she was and it was Lory's turn to listen. The woman was doing a magnificent job at it, commenting when needed and squeezing her hand when she thought she was going to lose it. Finally everything seemed aired out and Kate was out of breath.

The hot beverage was in her hand, she took a sip. It wasn't as good as Castle's, it was horrible actually, but it was coffee. The taste reminded her of the coffee at the precinct before Castle had bought that fancy espresso machine. She quickly brushed the thought away. None of it had happened. She wasn't Beckett, the badass detective. She was Kate, the psychotic addict.

It was time to admit it. Her breathing was fast and loud, "I'm an addict?" She wasn't sure if it was a question or a statement when it came out, but punctuating the words in her mind, she knew them to be true. With that, she had taken the first step towards her recovery.

"I'm an addict and it seriously messed me up. I've been here for seven weeks. It's been seven weeks. That's seven weeks where I imagined myself a successful detective. That's seven weeks I don't remember. And given the fact that the years previous aren't exactly clear in my head. I really am at home here, am I? I'm going crazy. No, I'm not, I already am."

"You're not going crazy, Kate. You're actually coming back."

"I thought I was engaged to Richard freakin' Castle. I was sure of it. Now tell me that's not crazy talk!"

* * *

**Thoughts? Comments? Complaints?**


	8. Chapter 8

**The moment of self-doubt is over now. Thank you all for helping me through it, now let's not talk about it anymore. ;)**

**I tried to follow some of your advice, so summary has been updated as well as the genre. **

**For those Caskett fans out there (everyone I presume, how could you not?), Castle will, at one point, enter this story, I promise. (Next Chapter)**

* * *

He was slipping away from her, as much as she tried to hold on, he was slipping away from her.

Over the next few weeks, Kate tried, as best one can, to settle into her new placid routine. Breakfast, group therapy, arts and crafts, lunch, yard, therapy, diner, free time and repeat, over and over again. She felt as though she was in prison. She wasn't made for this life, she wasn't meant to be in here.

She understood she had a problem, and it became clearer and clearer every day, as certain memories came flooding back. She had needed help, she just wasn't sure she could handle it, any of it.

Every day, she took her meds was a day where a little more of the life she wished she'd had flew away from her. He was slowly disappearing and replacing him were the memories of the things she wished she hadn't done, of the things she wished she hadn't said. He was slipping away from her. Every night she went to bed alone, she craved his touch a little more. Every night she stayed in this place, she woke up feeling just a little bit lonelier.

She now had a clearer picture of what the last five years of her life had been like, but she wished she hadn't. Some blimps of her life were clear as day, some were still a blur. She couldn't manage to uncover the last few months of her life. She could feel it, something had made her snap out of reality, something had made her psychotic. She had a problem before, but something had made her crazy. Still, she couldn't seem to grasp it. She had tried, she had asked, but her psychiatric, never really answered her questions. It was frustrating. She was frustrated.

Some days she desperately wanted the answers but most of the time though, she wished she hadn't remembered any of it; she wished he'd stayed, that they'd stayed. She understood, but she wanted to grasp at those delusions for as long as she could.

She now had more images of herself shoving needles down her veins, of slurred, incoherent speeches, of exchanging sexual favors against crack and waking up in puddles of her own puke than she had of him, his eyes, his smile, his touch. Her life was slowly coming back to her and somehow, she wished she could shove it back into a box and never think about it again, like none of it had ever happened. She desperately tried to hold onto him.

She hated herself, and she hated her life. She wanted it back.

It was 9 am, Thursday morning of her 10th week. It had already been a couple of days since she had started to. She was seated where she always was at this time of day, like clockwork, just waiting for the cocktail to be delivered. The nurse gave her the cup and she brought it to her lips like she always did; only she didn't swallow. She shoved the pills in the corner of her mouth and pretended to.

She must have done a poorer job than she had expected because unlike the previous days, the nurse eyed her weirdly as he walked over to the next patient. Glad he hadn't lingered and applauding her chance, she slowly got up, but quickly turned away from Nurse Tristan.

As she took a step in the opposite direction, Tristan was beside her in a matter of seconds, "Kate, I'm going to need you to swallow those pills."

She turned around and looked in his pleading eyes. She hesitated because somehow, she knew none of it was rational.

_Kate just swallow. Just take them._

But she didn't. She couldn't.

Loneliness, fear and revolt came barging in as she vigorously shook her head, tears uncontrollably streaming down her cheeks.

"Kate?" the doctor called out as he stormed into the common room area, someone having tipped him off.

The nurse was still by her side, holding on to her forearm when Dr. Marx got to her. She was trying to catch her breath, trying to control the sobbing, wiping away the streaks with the back of her hand. He told the nurse he'd deal with her as he motioned him to leave them and gather the curious faces her meltdown had attracted before she caused a riot among the more instable ones.

He faced Kate when he added firm but friendly, "I don't want to. But believe me, Kate, if I have to I'll make you take them."

She shook her head again, trying hard to contain the tears and control the quiver of her lips.

"Kate, don't make me do this."

"No. Please. Wait." Her words were punctuated by sobs and hiccups.

She spit them out of her mouth, the bitter taste catching up, they were slowly disintegrating at the bottom of her cheek. She looked at the slobbery pills nested in her palm with distain. "Please, don't. I don't need them anymore. I don't want them anymore."

Watching the scene unfold, the nurse was ready to bounce back. The doctor once more gestured him to stop. The woman had been through enough, even without the anti-psychotics, he felt he could reason with her. Blunt force was only a last resort, he needed to understand; he needed her to trust him.

"You have to take them, they're helping you. You've been-" He gestured, gently pushing her palm back to her mouth.

"No!" She shouted as she threw the pills to the floor, her sobbing gaining in volume. "No!"

"Why, Kate?" he asked. Everything had been going well ever since the morning 3 weeks ago, too well it seemed.

"I have to go back. I have to go back!"

He waited a couple of seconds silently for her to calm down.

Her breathing was still loud, but it was slower, when she added, a little more controlled, "I want to go back. I just want him back."

"Kate we've already talked about your delusions. They're not real. They're only in your head."

"They feel real and that's enough for me. Do you have any idea how much _real_ sucks right now?"

"It doesn't have to, Kate."

She pondered on the thought a minute, biting on her lower lip.

"I… I… I was in_ love _with him."

* * *

**Sorry, it's short. Little **_**Lost**_** quote there. ;)**

**Thoughts? Comments? Complaints?**


	9. Chapter 9

"I love him."

It was all she knew right now, all she could feel. Everything else was hazy, intangible, but this, those feelings, they powered through. She wasn't ready to let go; she didn't think she'd ever be. She understood most, if not all of it, was in her head, but she didn't care. She didn't want to hear it; reality was overrated.

She had crumbled to the floor as the words resounded, deep into her subconscious. She loves him, present tense. There were movements around her, but she didn't see. There were voices around to her, but she didn't hear. Everything surrounding her, suddenly, was a blur.

Strong arms supported her elbows, getting her to her feet. She felt limp. Grabbing her waist they managed to get her to the psychiatrist's office and sit her on the couch. The door closed behind them and Dr. Marx looked into her vacant eyes.

She was still there; the woman he had gotten to know over the last few weeks was still there. He could see it, the sparkle of life in her hazel eyes that wasn't visible during her first weeks in his care. He hadn't lost her, she was still there, but he felt horribly bad, horribly wrong.

He should have known they would come to this. He should have anticipated this reaction ever since the mention of Richard Castle, the fiancé, on her first day back, 3 weeks ago. He had been afraid, afraid she wasn't ready yet, that she wasn't strong enough yet. He just knew when she finally remembered that day; everything else would come crashing back. He had been afraid, but he had undermined the feelings she had developed for the man. He couldn't have known the short moment they had shared would evolve to this.

He should have become a cardiac surgeon; it would have been so much easier. The mind is such a complex tool. He had thought that, as her own memories replaced the delusions; her longing for him would dissipate. The images of the man were slipping away from her, but the feelings were not. He had been wrong.

The glimmer in her eyes gave the doctor hope he could still get to her, make her cope. It was time. He started talking; hoping the topic would at one point, make her want to start listening.

"Your father and I were roommates our first year of college, we were 18. You arrive in a new city, with no one you know, you bond with your roommate fairly quickly. So we became quick friends. Even though we both had crazy schedules, with him in pre-law and me in pre-med, we would hang out a lot. I was there when he met your mother. Johanna was a beauty. And when I say beauty, I'm not talking only about her looks; she was smart and kind which made her even more beautiful. I can't say it's where they met but, we were at a party and she caught your father's eye, how could she not, right?"

He smiled at the memory and watched as Kate's eyes seemed to liven up.

"Your father was a shy fellow. It took him a long while for him to finally go up to her and talk. He would keep me up at night talking about her. He was such a girl. He'd probably deny it now, though. By second year, they were friends, but he still hadn't asked her out. I kept pushing him, telling him to go for it but he didn't want to lose their 'friendship'. That year we got assigned new roommates. Even though we tried to hang out, it wasn't the same. I didn't even know he had finally made the move until I saw them one day together in the park."

"She's the one that asked him out," Kate mumbled.

He smirked, "Makes a lot of sense. A couple of years later, I got an invitation in the mail for the wedding of James Beckett and Johanna Davis. I wasn't surprised; they were perfect for each other. Then, they had you. If you weren't the cutest baby out there, I don't know who is."

To that, Kate managed to smile faintly.

"We seemed to lose contact after that. A few Christmas cards here and there, but nothing much. I read about it in the newspaper, about her murder. It hit me like a ton of bricks."

Kate swallowed and bit her lips together.

"After almost 19 years, I saw my friend again, at his wife's funeral. He cried and I held him, knowing there was nothing I could do for him. Then, I met you. I shook your hand and looking into your eyes, suddenly, I was back in college with 19 year old Johanna."

The glistening in her eyes was bringing tears into his. He coughed, trying to shake it off. This conversation was the definition of being 'too close to it.'

"Your father was broken, heartsick, but when I shook your hand, I could feel it, everything you had bottled up."

Her breathing was heavier, but he continued.

"You didn't want to deal with it. So you hid. At first you hid in meaningless relationships, one night stands and parties, but soon, it wasn't enough. Your mom was bubbling back to the surface and you needed to bury her, needed to forget about it so it would stop hurting. So you did. And quickly, you couldn't stop anymore. You didn't just need them to forget, you needed them to be able to put one foot in front of the other."

She was burying her face in her hands, but he continued.

"Your father was my friend. There was nothing I could do regarding his grief over your mother, but I could try to help his grief regarding you. You couldn't get out. You were stuck and it became dangerous. You overdosed, got hospitalised and then did it all again. He loves you, he always will. Twice he called me, and twice I came. A year and a half ago, the first time-"

She looked up. "I," she swallowed, "I remember."

He nodded, "The first time, you were 22 and you were in such a bad shape, I wasn't sure there was anything I could do for you, but I had to try. We talked but you-"

"I know," she added dryly.

He nodded again, "For a year you multiplied your near death experiences with no regards to your life. That is, until a couple months ago I presume."

She looked at him pensively.

"Two and a half months ago, your father called me again, in tears. It was the second time I'd seen him cry. I rushed to the hospital and prepared for the worst. Physically, you looked much better. I could tell something had changed in you for the best, but sitting on that hospital bed, your mind had found another way to avoid."

Her eyes were watering, and he couldn't tell if it was because she finally remembered that day and the ones preceding it or not.

"Your mind blacked it all out, _everything_ you didn't want to deal with. It's when the delusions started to take over. Are you ready to talk about them?"

She nodded shyly, her voice barely a whisper, "I just wish you'd stop calling him that."

"It's what they are, Kate, _delusions_, what else would you want me to call them?"

She shrugged her shoulders and remained silent, a single tear streaming down her cheek.

"You couldn't deal with how you handled yourself after mother's murder, so you became the detective that was going to solve her murder, bring her justice."

She nodded, emotions backing up in her throat as she asked, "Why then? Why him?"

He couldn't know for sure, why him, why her attachment to him had grown so strong but he knew where it had all started, why it had all started. Even though he was afraid of her reaction, he had waited long enough. He had wanted her to remember him on her own, without the little push, when she was mentally ready. Now, it was time for her to remember, _everything_, regardless of the consequences.

He got up and went to the closet in the corner of the office. Unlocked the door and pulled out a book, her book.

"I wanted you to feel a bit better before you had this one," he said as he handed her the copy of Storm Rising.

She took it uneasily and placed in on her lap, unopened. She stared at it, her heart was beating fast and she didn't fully understand why. She opened the book, reading the autographed note on the first page.

Suddenly, it flashed before her eyes.

_Flashback_

_10 weeks ago_

_Her eyes fluttered open and were greeted by his worried blue ones. He smiled, relieved as he managed to help her back onto her feet, still supporting the small of her back._

_She exhaled loudly by her mouth, but the nausea had passed. She felt better. She smiled back, their eyes not letting go of each other as she voiced a, "Thank you, Castle."_

"_No problem Ms..." _

"_Beckett," she added nodding._

_Her heart was beating like crazy. She had been a hard core fangirl ever since her mother had introduced her to the books, but this was more than the rush adrenaline you get when meeting your favorite author. From the way he was looking at her, Kate could tell he wasn't indifferent either. He continued to smile at her, their eyes locked into each other's like they were the only ones in the store, when a hand tapped on his shoulder._

_Abruptly breaking eye contact, much to Kate's dismay, he turned around "What, Gina?" he asked sharply._

_Gina pretended to whisper, but loudly enough so Kate would hear, "She's fine Rick. Look at her, the girl looks like trouble. Just get on with the book signing, call her an ambulance if she wants. But there's a lot more people here to see you." _

_The publisher eyed her before turning around and taking a few steps back, observing them with a hawk eye. _

_Kate returned to Gina the look she was giving her before turning towards Castle, telling him with a smile "I'm fine really, thank you. It happens a lot actually. It was very nice to meet you, _Castle._"_

_She extended her hand, waiting for him to take it. When that didn't happen, disappointed, she slowly brought it back to her side and smiled shyly ready to walk away._

"_Gina?" he turned around towards the blond, "Take everybody's information. Tell them I'll send them an advance signed copy of the next Derek Storm book. I'll stay with Ms. Beckett and make sure this doesn't happen again. Better safe than sorry." With that he hooked her arm in his and walked her to the little coffee place on the upper level of the bookstore._

_She was seated at a little round table, hands folded over the table and she pulled down on the sleeves of her shirt covering her scars. What the hell was she doing right now? She was waiting for Richard Castle. How could she think this was a good idea? She hadn't used in the last couple of months. She was on the methadone, slowly weaving away from it, but she still craved them, everyday. She was an addict, always would be. As if dealing with everything else wasn't enough, did she really need to add a guy to the mix? She couldn't do it all. Dealing with all of it, it would be too much, she knew it, but she couldn't bring herself to leave. He was just so…_

_She was lost in her thoughts when he arrived flashing his perfect teeth. He set down the two cups on the table as he sat down, exclaiming, "Ginger tea and honey, my mother's cure for just about everything!"_

"_Thank you, Castle. But I really need to ask, why?"_

"_For one, I really get a kick out of pissing off Gina. We were married once, what a stupid decision, that was! Are you…" he asked as he tried to subtly check her ring finger._

"_I'm not," she laughed uneasily, "Very single, despite-"_

"_Good. Because you have no idea how messy dating married women is." He answered with a charming wink._

"_So this is what this is? A date?"_

"_I paid for your food, no? Isn't that the definition?"_

"_God Castle, you're so macho." She laughed as she rolled her eyes at him. _

_He genuinely smiled, but he knew, even though she hid it, the woman was just as attracted as he was._

"_Do I really look like trouble?" she asked._

_He laughed some more, "A ticking time bomb is what you look like."_

"_Yeah…" she smiled uneasily._

_He sensed the sore subject. "Hey, don't worry, I've got issues too."_

"_Yeah, right. I bet your life is _so_ hard right now."_

"_Being a ruggedly handsome, very successful and rich mystery writer had its downsides, Beckett."_

_She grinned, "Yeah? Like what?"_

"_The parties, the endless parade of women trying to sleep with me…"_

"_I'll stop you right there," she said as she clumsily got herself back on her feet. She didn't need this right now. _She shouldn't have come. She already had enough to deal with. __

_He was quick to his feet and loosely grabbed her arm, "No, please, I was just joking. Stay."_

_He looked at her, his puppy dog eyes pleading, "Please sit back down. I'll be serious."_

"_I doubt that," she added, but sat back down._

"_You want me to tell you the truth?"_

_She nodded. _

"_I'm bored."_

_She grabbed the edge of the table ready to give herself the push she needed to get to her feet._

"_No! I mean, I'm tired of writing Derek Storm. It's not like it used to. I've talked to Gina about it, but of course she doesn't want me to kill off the golden goose. I just, I want something new and exciting."_

"_Like what?"_

"_I've always wanted to have a female lead. I've just never had the guts to do it. Women are so complicated," he winked at her and she laughed._

"_You know, like a badass detective or something," he added._

_She groaned and closed her eyes._

"_Bad idea?"_

_She shook her head, grabbing her stomach, "No. Something's not right."_

_He nodded and was quick to his feet, helping her up, "We better take you to the hospital. Do you want me to call anyone for you?"_

Back in the office, her breathing was hectic. She had to be remembering it wrong. It couldn't be. She couldn't have.

"This can't be happening. This can't be happening. I need to talk to my dad. Please, please, please just let me talk to my dad."

* * *

**So, thoughts? Comments? Complaints?**

**You're probably still lost, next chapter should help, don't despair.**


	10. Chapter 10

He had gotten there as fast as he could, as fast as physically, humanly possible. He'd been mad, angry, for a long time, but when your daughter asks for you, when your daughter needs you, no matter what, no matter how much, you find a way to get there. He was slightly out of breath when he finally went through the door's arc. The expression on her face when she turned around and their eyes met, had him realise he hadn't been quite fast enough.

The instant she saw him her eyes started to water. Maybe it was guilt, grief, love or something else entirely, but at that moment she needed her dad. She needed him close; she needed to know everything was going to be okay.

They shared a look for a moment, silently exchanging, both of them unsure of their next step.

Slowly getting up, her body shaking, she bit on her lower lip, "Daddy?"

Daddy.

He breathed in. She had so rarely called him dad-_dy_. It was so child-like, so unlike her, even when she had, in fact, been a child. The tone of her voice caused his heart to shatter as he was momentarily brought back to the day his 8 year old Katie had called out for him on the playground. Supressing the tears she had called for him, clinging to her arm, that had turned out to be broken after a nasty fall off the jungle gym.

Daddy.

It caused his lungs to contract. Every time she would utter the word, it would bring back the same feeling deep down in his loins. The woman in front of him was in pain, a different kind of pain, but pain nonetheless. He looked into her eyes and at that moment, she wasn't the image of the daring 8 year old far wiser than her years. His daughter looked like a little girl, needy and lost. The same eyes he had witnessed drain of their essence that faithful day in the hospital. His daughter was broken and he desperately needed her back. They needed Kate back.

"Katie," he sighed, relieved. She smiled as best she could at that moment and he pulled her into an embrace, his protective arms tight around her. He stayed like this, rocking her body back and forth, his shirt soaked from the tears trickling down from her face to his chest. He held on until she hiccupped a few times, her cheeks stained from the dried out streaks, the energy and tears drawn from her still frail body.

He kissed the crown of her hair, unwilling to let go of her. He hadn't realised until then, just how much he had wanted her to know, how much he thought this was going to help. He needed her. Marx had told him he had given her the book, she'd read the massage. He told him she remembered.

She did. Or maybe she didn't. She didn't know what to think. So much had been the makings of her imagination. Why should this be any different? There was so much uncertainty, so much unanswered questions. She needed to ask.

She trusted her dad; he'd tell her the truth. She just couldn't get herself to ask, "Is..." "I…" "Did…"

She exhaled slowly, looked into his eyes and stated, determined, "Dad, I need to know the truth."

She really did.

_10 weeks ago_

_Vibrations. Jim was over the stove preparing diner. He was hearing vibrations. He was extremely concentrated in what he was doing, but something was bothering him. Buzzing. Vibrations. Suddenly, he snapped out of it. His cellphone was ringing, he had left it on vibrate. He stopped stirring and hurried to the coffee table in the living room._

_He had expected work, and he really hadn't felt like pulling some overtime that night. When he picked up the phone, the confidential number staring at him on the screen had him intrigued._

"_Hello?"_

"_May I speak to Mr. James Beckett please?"_

"_Yes, this is he."_

"_I am calling about your daughter, Katherine Beckett. She's presently under our care at Clairmont Hospital. She's been admitted about an hour ago. We need her next of kin. Could you come over please?"_

"_Thank you Miss, I'll be right there," he answered nonchalantly as he hung up._

_He hadn't even asked the woman what had happened. He hadn't asked why she was there, but there was no need to, really. It was the drugs, it was always the drugs. Maybe, he just didn't want to know, didn't want to hear it again, that his daughter had a problem, that his daughter needed help, that she was an addict. He knew that already. He didn't need to hear it again._

_These phone calls were becoming routine. A few times she'd had her stomach pumped, other times she'd manage to almost choke on her own puke, but nothing seemed to wake her up, nothing to scare her enough. She seemed resolved on killing herself, slowly, painfully._

_He sighed, pinching his nose canal with his fingers falling back on the couch behind him. He wanted to stop caring, maybe it'd hurt less, but he couldn't. He'd care and worry even when she'd be 50. It's what fathers do. _

_She'd made it clear there was nothing he could do, nothing she'd let him to do, but it didn't matter. He loved her despite everything going on right now. It was the third time only this year, and despite his concerns, his pleading, crying, she would always end up checking out against medical opinion. And then, a couple of months later, they'd start the dance over again._

_He had once admired her stubbornness, her drive, like him in so many ways, but doubled with the heroin and cocaine, the alcohol and the less than reliable men in her like, she was a danger. _

_And he hadn't seen her in months. He hadn't seen his baby girl in months…_

_He has no trouble zigzagging through the hallways to the waiting room of the ICU. Everything felt extremely familiar. He got to the nurse behind the desk, "James Beckett for Katherine Beckett. I was called twenty minutes ago."_

_The woman put her finger up, gesturing him he'd be with her in a minute, as she picked up the ringing phone. Jim turned around and leaned on the desk crossing his arms. He watched a man get up, a couple of seats away from him. The man looked so familiar. As the dark-haired stranger approached he was suddenly enlightened, hit by the fact he recognized the man. He had faced him so many times before. Smiling at him from the back-cover of the book jacket, every time he had watched his wife read. Richard Castle was waiting in the ICU and he was coming towards him._

"_Mr. Beckett?" Rick asked._

_Jim tried to mask his surprise. Richard Castle wanted to talk to him? And he knew his name?_

"_Yeah?" he asked, very intrigued and little skeptical._

"_I'm Richard Castle, sir," the writer said as he extended his right hand in the older man's direction._

_Jim uneasily replicated the handshake, unsure about the nature of this impromptu introduction._

"_We were uptown at McNally Jackson when it started. I couldn't go in, but she was asking for you. She's-"_

"_Mr. Beckett?" asked the nurse behind him._

_He didn't even hear her. He was still trying to understand what in the hell this man was talking about. Richard Castle definitely didn't fit the pattern. He wasn't someone Kate would usually be hanging out with. Yet again, all celebrities, at one point or another finish checked in, into a rehab center. So maybe he was._

"_Excuse me. Mr. Beckett?" she asked again, a little louder clearly exasperated. She didn't like her job that was for sure. He heard her that time and turned towards the voice, the quizzical expression still painted on his face._

"_Please follow me."_

_He nodded, quickly turning around after giving the famous writer a shy smile, glad the conversation was over. "Thank you, for bringing her here, Mr. Castle." _

"_Wait." Rick said as he tapped the man's shoulder. "Mr. Beckett. Could you give this to Kate please? Make sure she gets it?" he extended a hand holding a book, his book. _

_Silently, James nodded, grabbing the book and following the clearly impatient woman designated to lead him the way._

"_I'll be right there," he heard the writer say from a couple feet behind him._

_Jim stopped, turning his head towards him, "Go home, Mr. Castle. My daughter she's-"_

"_I'll wait."_

_He didn't have the energy to argue, so he nodded and left the writer there, standing, hands in his pockets, looking so out of place._

_The short walk to her room was filled with questions. None of this made sense. They turned left. They would always turn right. The nurse stopped at a door and peaked in. Without a word, she gestured, he could go in._

_He was usually briefed by a doctor before going in. He didn't like the idea of going in there unprepared for what he was about to see. He pondered for a second, hesitated to wait for a doctor he could talk to, but he didn't. He'd already seen it all anyways._

_He looked at the novel in his hand and placed it under his arm. James slowly pushed the door and entered the room. It wasn't what he had expected. She looked better. Her hollow eyes looked fuller, same for her cheeks; she had put on some weight. It also looked like she had managed to take in a little bit of sun, the colors looked good on her. _

_She looked better, but she didn't look good. She was beautiful, she always was but she looked disheartened. She was snuggled up against the pillow, tears gushing down, her messy curls stuck to her sweaty forehead. She hadn't even acknowledged his presence. _

"_Hey, Katie," he gently said, sitting on the chair next to the bed. _

"_What happened this time?" he asked as his hand caressed her back, rubbing soothing circles._

_She hiccupped, wiping tears away with her hand, finally looking up to him, "I fucked up," she choked out. "I tried dad. I really, really tried." The tears were pouring down again, "I didn't even know for so long. I didn't-"_

"_What?"_

"_I wanted to be better. I wanted to be better for him," she went as she shook her head._

"_Kate, what happened?"_

"_I killed him. Daddy, I killed him. I killed my baby. I killed him."_

"_You WHAT?"_

_Nothing. Hugging the pillow, she was looking straight at him. She was looking but she didn't seem to see. _

"_Kate, what are you talking about?"_

_Nothing. There was no more liveliness in the hazel eyes he was staring in. She was gone._

"_Kate!" He shook her, but she didn't react. _

_Where was that damn doctor? He ran for the door, "Help!"_

_Okay, maybe he had panicked just a little, this wasn't life or death, maybe screaming like there was a mass murderer in the room hadn't been necessary, but he need them to come. He needed someone to help her, fix her. He needed someone to tell him what in the hell was going on._

_Now, he couldn't go back inside. The way she stared through him, with her lifeless eyes, he couldn't bear. He found a seat in the hallway and composed. When the person on the other end answered he couldn't hold it in any more, he cried. No, he sobbed. His daughter had had a baby. He hadn't even known she was pregnant. When finally he felt as though the tears had dried up he started, "Hey Steve, it's Kate. This is really bad. She really needs your help."_

_He was staring at the book nested on his lap. He was about to open it when a nurse comes to him, it wasn't the same as earlier, "Are you the father?"_

"_This is my daughter inside."_

"_Oh, I'm sorry." She smiles uneasily nodding her head, "I was just coming over to update Ms. Beckett."_

"_Good luck with that. The doctor's diagnostic is stress induced catatonic delirium." He answered helpless. "What is it?"_

"_The baby. There's still a chance he'll pull through, we're doing everything we can. He's relatively stable, considering hum… _Everything_."_

* * *

**I'm sorry, I really thought a lot more of you guys would figure it out. Hope it's _somewhat_ clear now. The fact Castle and Beckett weren't drinking coffee should have rung a bell ;)**

**Had a hard time writing this one. **

**Next chapter puts 9 and 10 together (aka more Rick and Kate, maybe Jim and Rick, and why she thinks her baby's dead). I know, I'm writing in flashback world…**

**Thoughts? Comments? Complaints?**


	11. Chapter 11

_Flashback _

_10 weeks ago (Yes, still.)_

_She shook her head, grabbing her stomach, "No. Something's not right."_

_This wasn't supposed to be happening right now. He wasn't ready. _She wasn't ready_. They both weren't ready._

_She winced in pain. The pain was almost unbearable, like a knife twisting up her sides, her guts in knots. The blood was rushing to her head; there was a pounding in her temples. It wasn't right._

_Castle nodded and was quick to his feet, helping her up, "We better take you to the hospital. Do you want me to call anyone for you?"_

_She shook her head, her answer both sharp and dry "No. I have no one to call." Maybe it was the painful cramps talking or maybe it was the even more painful realization that she was alone in this, that she, alone, had caused this, that this was her fault, that he didn't want her, that she'd be a bad mother, a terrible one. _

_She was an addict, therefore he was an addict. Her son was an addict and she had no one to blame but herself. _

_Because something wasn't right, she could feel it._

_She was barely 32 weeks pregnant. It was too soon. _

12 weeks ago, she had found out. She hadn't even realised how many of her periods she had missed. She hadn't even realised how much weight she had put on until someone pointed it out. She had been so out of it she hadn't even realised she was 20 weeks pregnant.

She was stoned out of her mind when her friend had pointed it out. She was high when she had peed on the stick. She had taken a line of snow when the lady at the clinic had told her she was too far along for an abortion. She was still feeling the buzz when she got back to her place and cried, realizing what was happening.

She had finally cried. She had cried the loss of her mother, cried the loss of her youth and cried the loss of her sanity, her reason. She had cried all the tears she had managed to accumulate over the years until there was nothing left in her, energy drained, falling asleep. She had woken up craving her, her mother. It was the day that he had saved her.

She had managed to save a box, packed by her mother, 5 years ago, to take with her when she was still a 19 year old college student filled with hopes and dreams. It was the box she had never managed to open, the box she would have killed protecting, the box she had managed, over the years, to save from her vulture friends, from herself, searching for something to pay for their next fix.

Kate had laughed hysterically when she had opened the box and the smell of her mom trapped into the time capsule had invaded the room. A book, his book, Richard Castle's, had stared at her and it had saved her, giving her the kick she needed. With every page she devoured, she felt her mother a little closer.

"Life never delivers something that you can't handle."

Her mother used to say that, over and over again. Her mom, she would be so ashamed right now.

10 weeks ago, she had thought her heart was trying to escape her too damaged body. She had almost given herself a heart attack when stopping cold turkey. She had thought she was doing the good thing, the right thing, finally. Turned out she wasn't. Her body could take it, neither could the fetus. She could have died. She could have killed her baby.

She had finally met with a doctor. She had seen it, him. They had told her she was having a boy. She was having a boy. Everything got real extremely fast. Her doctor told her, it was never too late to stop, to get clean, but she knew. She had done her research. She had seriously screwed up and her son would end up being the one to pay the price.

She was a mess and that needed to change. She had. She had tried, at least. And for a while she had thought everything was going to be okay. She had thought she could break the odds.

8 weeks ago, she had found a job. She had managed to clean up pretty well. She had taken a job at a coffee shop, serving Grande Skim Lattes with two pumps of sugar free vanilla to successful women, dreaming, hoping, wishing. It wasn't what she had thought she'd end up doing if you'd asker her at 18. It wasn't glamorous and it wasn't lucrative. It wasn't always easy but she was doing it. She really was trying.

Turns out it probably had been too easy, and now her mistakes were finally catching up.

_She looked into his concerned eyes as he asked, "It's okay. Where are you parked?"_

"_I'm just going to hail a cab, but thank you," she tried hiding behind a polite smile. She had no car. She could hardly afford rent. She had used one week's worth of tips to buy his book, it was the least she could do._

"_Nonsense, let me take you. I'm not letting you go there alone."_

Alone._ Maybe she wanted to be alone. She had always been the type of person to deal alone. She didn't understand why he was intent on helping her when she had absolutely nothing to offer._

"_We don't know each other."_

"_So?"_

"_You don't have to do this."_

"_Maybe I want to."_

"_Why?"_

"_Look, Beckett-"_

"_Kate."_

"_Kate, I just want to help. Just let me help. I'm not asking you to marry me, I just want to help. Ok?"_

_She nodded uneasily._

"_Come." His fingers grabbed hers and instantly, she pulled away. For the past years, every contact has been fueled by the primal instinct. She wasn't ready for this. _

_They got to his car, and he quickly pulled onto the road, but they were packed. New York traffic was always unpleasant, but at that moment it was particularly unwelcome. She pressed her fingers on her temples and slowly breathed in and out. The nausea was back and there was no way she was hurling all over Castle's Mercedes._

_Noting her unease he opened her window and she silently thanked him. _

"_How far along are you?" he asked trying to overcome the silence creeping up in the car._

"_32 wee-"_

_Suddenly, his phone started ringing and he quickly checked the caller ID. _

"_Crap. It's my daughter, I really need to take this," he said as he put his Bluetooth on. _

"_Hey, Pumpkin!" his voice was light and happy._

"_Can you call grams? I'll be held up a couple of hours."_

_She watched him as he nodded and smiled, clearly interested on what his daughter had to say._

"_I love you, too" he added as he hung up. _

_He gave Kate a smile, "Sorry for that."_

"_You have a daughter?"_

"_Yeah. Alexis, she's 10. She's the best, cutest little red-head around. Wise beyond her years."_

_She nodded, unconsciously patting the novel she still had nested on her lap._

"_You're a big fan I see. Got an 'I love Richard Castle' tattoo somewhere?" he asked jokingly._

_She rolled her eyes, smiling, "My mother was."_

"_Your mother has an 'I heart Richard Castle' tattoo?"_

_She rolled her eyes and shook her head, "She was a fan, moron." _

"_And you aren't?" he answered feigning hurt. _

"_I wasn't. For a very long time."_

_He nodded silently and she realised how she had come off._

"_Don't get me wrong, you have a gift. Your words, they have the ability to save people. They've saved me. If you want to write the book about a kickass detective, then do it, because there is no doubt in my mind you're able to." The last of her words trailed of and she couldn't manage to look at him, so instead, she just stared out the window._

_The cars were now completely stopped and she shook her head looking afar to the endless line. She breathed loudly closing her eyes when another surge of pain filled her insides. "Maybe I should have let you call me that ambulance," she whispered mostly to herself._

"_Oh my god, Beckett, this is our lucky day!" he called._

_He pulled off of the road, parking behind a police car. She shot Castle a panicked look; she didn't have the best track record when it came to the cops. She had too many arrests on her belt, too many nights spent sobering up in the overnight cell._

_When he pulled the keys out of the ignition she lost it, her heart was pounding, "What the hell are you doing Castle? We aren't there yet."_

"_Stay here Kate, I know these guys!" he jumped out of the car without further explanation and she huffed. _

_She watched as Castle gestured something to two officers coming out of a building. There was a milky blond one and a Latino. They seemed to recognize him, which was a good sign. Suddenly, all three of them turned around and faced her. The officers' eyes squinted as they stared. She gave them a faint smile, reluctantly backing away and waving shyly._

_They approached her and the paler officer opened her door. He held out his hand, helping her out of the car, "Hi Ms. Beckett, I'm Officer Kevin Ryan, this is Officer Javier Esposito. Castle here tells us you could use some help getting to the hospital?"_

_She nodded shyly, looking over to Castle._

_He beamed, puffing his chest with pride, "I saved these guy's lives before, so they kind of owe me."_

"_We what, now?" exclaimed officer Esposito, quickly turning around towards the writer._

"_You heard me," added Castle, confident._

_The two officers shook their heads and shared a look, containing a smile. They opened her door and she and Castle sat in the back of the police car. Officer Ryan was about to take the driver's seat, but Officer Esposito shot him a look to which Ryan shrugged his shoulders and went to the passenger side. When everyone was seated, Esposito flashed the lights and quickly entered traffic._

"_So, this where it comes from," she stated, her eyes glued on the writer._

"_What?"_

"_Your deal with calling people by their last names. I work close to the precinct, it's a cop thing. Being a writer wasn't enough for you? Had to go play cop."_

_The two officers in front chuckled._

"_Hey! I wasn't playing. I was a huge help."_

"_You got in the middle of an undercover op. and we couldn't pull you out. We had no choice, but to use you," said Ryan._

"_And I was useful."_

"_You were a distraction, a liability, bro." added Esposito._

"_You should have heard, what Montgomery's been saying about you," laughed Ryan._

"_But Montgomery loved me!" exclaimed the writer._

"_No, Montgomery didn't want to piss of the mayor."_

_She smiled at the sight of Castle's dramatic, shocked look._

_It was the first time she had genuinely smiled at him and she was beautiful. She was damaged, hurt, but there was no arguing she was beautiful. When she winced in pain, it only felt natural for Castle to grab her hand. Instead of pulling away, she squeezed it, letting her eyes linger into his._

_Ryan coughed loudly in front, watching them in the rear-view mirror, grinning. "We're here."_

* * *

_Silence._

_He wasn't screaming. He wasn't crying. _

_Everything was chaotic around her; she couldn't make out everything they were saying. Out there, she had been somebody. She had come in with Richard Castle and two uniformed officers. In here, she was no one. She was a low life addict and no one was talking to her. _

_Underdeveloped. Lungs. Addict. Survival. Rate. Operate. BPs. Drugs. Dead. Perforated. Tube._

_The words were flying around in the room, a sense of urgency in every person's tone. Everything was happening so fast, she didn't have time to understand._

_She cried when they took him away. She hadn't seen him. She hadn't said hi. She hadn't said goodbye._

PRESENT DAY

She exhaled slowly, looked into his eyes and stated, determined, "Dad, I need to know the truth."

Just then did she realise how tired her dad looked. She had been so caught up in her pain. For years, she had completely disregarded his. He must have aged 20 years since his wife's murder. With the black under his eyes, she could tell he hadn't been sleeping well.

"Dad?"

"Yes, Kate?"

"I need to know. Did, did it really happen? Did I have a baby?"

"Yes, honey, you did."

It was true. She knew it was. She had hoped she was still being delusion, but she wasn't. She'd had a baby, one she had completely erased from her mind. Her baby was dead and she had chosen to forget about him.

"What the hell is wrong with me?" she cried out.

"Katie, he made it. He pulled through."

"What?"

"Your baby, your son. He's alive."

"Dad?" she cried, the tears were streaming down her cheeks.

"It wasn't easy he spent the first 8 weeks of his life in the ICU. He's tough Katie, he takes after you. He's been with me. He's been waiting for his mother."

She was sobbing, but she was smiling, finally.

* * *

**Hope this one clears things up, although I've managed to have a flashback in a flashback. Sometimes I forget you guys aren't inside my head with me. I guess I should have gotten a Beta for this fic, too late for that now I think.**

**My initial plan, was a dead baby but I couldn't stomach it. Kate's been through enough, right?**

**Thoughts? Comments? Complaints?**


	12. Chapter 12

Kate was unknowingly playing with her fingers, grasping her thighs. She was stressed out of her mind as she waited, seated on the couch of her psychiatrist's office. Her heart was pounding, her breathing seemingly controlled, she was becoming twitchy. It had been a week. She had said all the right things, given all the right answers. She had done what had been asked of her, became a model patient and finally, it seemed she could be trusted. Kate wasn't happy about the wait. A week of imagining, envisioning, a week of not knowing, it had been torturous, but she understood it. She was in this institution for a reason; her mind wasn't all that healthy, they needed to make sure. She wasn't happy about the wait, but knowing he was okay meant, maybe, now, so could she.

She hadn't slept well the night before; in fact, she hadn't managed to sleep at all. The lack of sleep was making itself known as she became twitchy. Kate twirled her thumbs, looking around the room for something to distract her. She smiled to herself; she was finally meeting her son.

When she heard the familiar voices down the hallway, paired with the sound of footsteps getting closer, Kate sprung to her feet. Wiping her sweaty palms off her pants, she stood erect, facing the door. They were finally here.

She bit the bottom of her lip, her eyes watering, smiling as her doctor and her dad entered, with a loaded baby carrier in hand. She clasped her hands together, squeezing to a point her knuckles were whitening. Her dad smiled at the sight of her, his eyes glistening with joy. She had made it back. He set the carrier on the coffee table in front of her, taking a step back, letting her take it all in.

Kate watched the baby sleep, not moving. She was mesmerized, frozen in place. A surge of emotion overcame her as she realised, she was looking at her son. She was a mom. She brought her hands to her face, her indexes on her mouth. She pinched her lips together. Her breathing was now uneven, coming in and out of her nose in unequal bursts of air, she didn't even try to fight the tears from flowing. They were happy tears.

"He's beautiful," she hiccupped, her eyes never parting from the infant.

He was. With his angelic features emphasized by sleep, his rounded tummy expanding in regular breaths, his mouth twitching underneath the rhythmic movements of his white and green pacifier, he was beautiful. He was tiny. A small bundle she already cared so dearly for. His eyelashes flickered and she jumped back, thinking he was waking up. She breathed out relieved, when he seemingly fell back into his slumber and she relaxed.

Jim, who had been watching alongside his friend from afar shortened the distance between them, approaching his daughter, gently kissing her temple. Knowing she wasn't going to risk waking the boy by taking him out, he whispered in her ear, "It's okay," before bending over the carrier and unbuckling his grandson, carefully as not to wake him. One hand under his tush, the other under his head, he lifted him from the seat. Jim slowly turned around towards his daughter who hesitantly extended her arms.

He smiled, handing over the child, saying, "Katie, I think it's time for you to meet your son, Nicolas Jameson Beckett."

At the contact, her arms instinctively closed around the sleeping boy, cradling him close to her chest, his head, nested in the crook of her elbow. She observed him, studying his features as her finger gently caressed his chubby, cherubic cheek, making its way over his soft, light-brown hair.

"Hey, Nikki," she cooed, pressing a kiss on his forehead.

Nikki.

Popping her head up, titling it lightly to the side, she eyed her father, pensive.

"What is it, Katie?" her father asked, troubled.

"The name…_Nikki_. Where does it come from?"

"Kate, I… I…I had to name him," he started tentative, letting his tongue trail his lips before continuing, "Katie, I had no idea how you wanted to call him. I didn't even know you were pregnant. I'm sorry. I kept Baby Beckett for about a week, but I had to name him."

"Oh! No, No, No, No. Dad, I'm not mad. I'm just wondering. It sounds so…right, _familiar_."

"It's what your mother and I wanted to call you, had you been a boy," he smiled, looking over to the doctor, "Marx here, said I had imagined it, but I could have swore I saw you smile when I asked you if you liked it all those weeks ago."

The doctor only shook his head and shrugged his shoulders, smirking.

"I love it, dad," she added, smiling as she nodded.

When her gaze went back to the child, cradled safely into her arms, she was greeted by her doe-eyed son looking up to her, alert. "Hey, baby," she hummed as his hazel eyes met hers for the very first time.

* * *

They visited her every day. For a couple of hours every afternoon, Kate got to interact with her son, but quickly, those couple of hours weren't nearly enough. Nicolas was changing every day and she didn't want to miss out on any it. She had begged and she had cried when he had told her she wasn't ready, but today everything was changing. She was healthier; she was better. It had been a hell of a 15 weeks, but she had come a long way. Today, she was going home.

Kate was leaning, her back over the brick wall, letting the sun rays spill on her face, eyes closed. Her small duffle bag of belongings strapped on her shoulder, she waited. It felt good to finally be out of the hospital clothes, to finally put her converses back on. She loved the feel of her jeans brushing her skin and the wind caressing her face. It was good to finally be out.

Dr. Marx was at her side, watching her, reminiscing her 15 week stay. He wished all his patients had such blissful endings. He had still prescribed her with bi-weekly visits to a colleague of his in the city, but she was better and he had no doubt she would be able to stay this way. She had completed the methadone program, and there were no indications it wouldn't work. She was still on the anti-psychotics, but he hoped she could, sooner or later, function without them. For now, she could go back to her son, go back to her dad. She could go back and finally make a life for herself.

He'd committed her 15 weeks ago, when her mind had broken down. She'd lost herself for 7 weeks, fleeing to a world where she had made better choices. Now, 8 weeks after awaking, she was ready to go home.

Jim's grey Lincoln finally pulled up the curb in front of them and parked. Kate faced the doctor and opened her arms, pulling him into a hug, "Thank you, for everything doc."

"It's nothing, Kate. Take care of yourself, and take care of that baby. I'm going to want pictures," he answered, with a hold on her biceps.

Kate smiled in response, nodding before heading towards the car, turning her head to look at the building and at the man that had managed to make her whole again, one last time.

Jim got out of the car, waving at the doctor. He went to his daughter's meeting at the back of the car and opened the trunk for her. Immediately, Kate flung her bag inside and threw herself on her father, hugging him tightly. She had told herself she wouldn't cry, but a rebel tear managed to trail down her cheek. Kissing his cheek as she let go of him, she stated, determined, "Let's go."

Because she had seen enough of that place.

She sat in the passenger side of the car sunk into the seat. She rolled down the window; she was amazed at the small things she's missed. She sat back up and spun her body around, looking over to the back seat to what she'd missed the most. Some thing, someone she didn't know, but missed incredibly so. Nikki, her son, her sweet baby, was fast asleep, still sucking on his pacifier without a care in the world. "Does he always sleep in the car?" she asked her father.

"U2 does the trick every time."

"U2, huh?"

"Just put the 'Joshua Tree' in and off he goes," her father laughed.

She smiled, sitting back, facing the front and buckling herself in. She had so much to both waved to the doctor as the car backed away, leaving the institution behind them. Father and daughter hummed to the music, little words had always been necessary between them. Kate laid her forehead on the window, observing the changing landscapes. She was in the beginning stages of sleep when she got pried out of it by the sound of a ringing phone, echoing throughout the car. She slowly roused, and read the name displayed on the dashboard. Her father was quick to decline the call, but the name she had just read made her quirk an eyebrow, "Dad?"

"What is it, Katie?" he asked, unsure.

"Nothing, never mind," she shrugged off, redirecting her gaze towards the window. Richard Castle had just called her father. Her mind tried to make sense of it, but Nikki started squirming in the back, momentarily distraught by the ringing sound that had interrupted the music. She hadn't even realised the familiar buildings that were beginning to surround them, she would be home in a couple of minutes. It had been a long time since she had had a home, a real one. She pulled the baby bag on her and got Nikki's stuffed lamb out, making it dance in front of her boy who flapped his feet, screaming joyfully. She smiled at the sight, he was one happy baby.

The car finally stopped in front of their building and she sighed. She was back and everything was going to be okay.

* * *

**Thoughts? Comments? Complaints?**

**I know it's a slow chapter, but I wanted to write it, hope you still enjoyed!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Special shout out to ****speedofloveSK****, because she's been awesome. Now, on with the story.**

* * *

He'd said he'd wait, so that's exactly what he did, he waited. Rick was still seated on the uncomfortable plastic chair, face between his hands when Jim slumped in the chair next to his, about an hour later. Rick looked at the man seated beside him; it wasn't the same man he had introduced himself to earlier. Jim Beckett looked miserable, defeated. His eyes had reddened; Castle could tell he had been crying. Suddenly panic overwhelmed him because, it couldn't be good.

Castle opened his mouth to question him, but closed it without uttering a word. Instead he leaned back in his chair and they both stared, silently, at the wall in front of them. You couldn't tell by looking at him, but Rick Castle knew when to shut up.

He hadn't looked at his watch, so he couldn't tell how much later Jim finally broke the silence with a sigh, "Mr. Castle-"

"Rick, please."

"_Rick,"_ he breathed out, "Can I ask you what exactly your relationship to my daughter is?"

"Oh, yeah. No!" Rick exclaimed as his head jerked towards the man, his eyes widened, "It's not my kid, we're not… We just met actually."

Jim's features seemed to soften a little and he trailed his hand through his hair.

"She came to my book signing, this afternoon. I'm a writer. She's really something, your daughter. Her labor started when we were at the little coffee shop."

He nodded and tried to smile, "I could never thank you enough for bringing her here, Mr. Castle, but there really is nothing more you can do. You should go home."

"Can I see her? It's just… I'd just like to say hey."

"You look like a good man, Mr. Castle so I'm not going to lie. Katie, she's amazing, but she's had a rough couple of years. She's not well right now, hasn't been for a while."

"And the baby?"

"They don't know, yet. Time will tell," the older man answered, signing as he laid his head on the wall in back of him, closing his eyes.

Rick nodded, slowly getting to his feet. When he saw the book, still in Jim's hands, he asked, "You haven't given it her?" Because even if he was never to see her again, he at least wanted her to read what he had signed.

"I will, Mr. Castle, but you should get going. She needs to do this alone, she needs space to heal."

Rick looked at the man in front of him, he couldn't go just yet. "How about you, Mr. Beckett? What do you need?"

Jim slowly moved his head up to meet Castle's eyes. It was one hell of a question. One he hadn't thought about in years, because he'd been on autopilot since his wife's murder, since his daughter's daunting behavior. He'd chosen to bury himself in his work. He absolutely had no idea what he needed.

Rick smiled, he was good at reading people, and he could tell, so he asked hopefully, "How about I go get us both some coffees?"

Because Rick knew when to shut up; but he also knew when to not. Because one thing Jim Beckett looked more than anything, was lonely.

Rick came back with some coffee and Bear Claws a moment later, only to find the man, seated where he had left him, just there, waiting. The writer took his place beside the man and handed him his coffee and Bear Claw. Thanking him with a smile and a nod, Jim brought the cup to his lips and closed his eyes as the hot beverage filled his insides.

At first none of them talked, they were just seated, silent. Castle didn't push, if Jim wanted to talk, he could, if he didn't, it was fine too.

Jim was staring up at the small television hoisted in the corner of the room when he finally asked, "Do you watch baseball?"

And just like that they started talking. They talked about baseball, about the weather, about his books, about anything and everything, but they didn't talk about Kate and Castle didn't push. There was a bigger story there, but it wasn't his place. Really, he didn't know her; he didn't know them.

They chatted until an older man entered the waiting room and paced towards them. At the sight of him, Jim quickly got up, introducing Castle, "Rick, this is Dr. Marx, he's the one that's going to be taking care of Kate."

"It's nice to meet you Dr. Marx," said Rick, extending his hand towards the doctor which he shook. The writer could tell by the way the man was dressed, he wasn't an ER doctor.

Jim turned towards Castle, "Rick, thank you for everything, but I really need to go."

"It's really no problem, Mr. Beckett, could you keep me posted? I'd really like to know how they're doing," he said handing Jim his phone number.

Jim took the piece of paper from his hands, nodding, "I will, Rick. And you can call me Jim," he added before turning around to follow the doctor.

* * *

It was dark when Castle finally got home. Alexis was surely fast asleep, it was way past her bedtime. He quietly pushed the door to the loft, it was heavier than usual; he was exhausted. The door closed behind him and he leaned into it, sighing. It had been one of those days, a day that would unknowingly haunt him for months.

As soon as the door closed behind him, his mother turned, her head popping up from the couch, eyes half asleep, she greeted him, "Hey, kiddo."

"Mother, I thought you would have taken the guest room. I didn't want to keep you."

"It's okay, Richard. You look beat, anything I can do to help?"

"You've done enough already mother, I'll take over you can go back home."

"Don't think you're off that easily, mister. Where were you? That phone call was all kinds of cryptic."

"I was at the hospital."

Martha jumped to her feet, coming to her son's meeting, "Oh, my gosh, Richard, are you okay?"

"Yeah, no. It's fine. It wasn't me."

"Who was it, honey?"

_Yeah. Good question. Who was she?_

"It was…Hum… She's…Ehh…This gi- No, woman…she… I met her at the book signing."

"Seriously Richard? Is that what I'm getting?"

"Mother I don't know what to say, her name's Kate, I met her at the book signing. She passed out in my arms. Then I wanted to piss of Gina. We had tea. She kind of went into labour. I took her to the ER, met her father. We had coffee and claws. And here I am."

His mother looked at him with a quizzical expression.

"I know, mother. It was a hell of a day."

A day that would turn out to haunt him.

* * *

Days had turned into weeks, eventually turning into months. It had been 18 weeks and still, he hadn't written a single word.

Castle stared at the blank page he faced; it was laughing at him. It had been weeks, months, but he couldn't get her out of his head. It happened every time he tried to write. She'd be there, in his thoughts. He'd talked with Jim frequently, but with Kate, it had only been that one time. It wasn't love, but it was something, a connection, a mystery he wanted to solve. There was something about her, because he couldn't get the woman out of his head. She invaded his thoughts, his dreams. She fascinated him. She troubled him.

"_Don't get me wrong, you have a gift. Your words, they have the ability to save people. They've saved me. If you want to write the book about a kickass detective, then do it, because there is no doubt in my mind you're able to."_

He stared at the blank page, painting a canvas of her features in his mind, the sparkle in her eyes when she had laughed, the timid curl of her lips as she bit the interior of her cheek. He pictured how her short brown hair curled around her ears. He had it bad. There was something about her he couldn't seem to let go of. There was her story he desperately wanted to uncover, because there was always a story. And something told him hers was one for the books. She was different. He wanted different. He needed different.

One day. They had met one day, but that day still followed him.

He typed a few words, erased them shortly after. He shook his head. He needed to forget about her. He had waited. She would have called.

It was time. They had nothing. They were nothing. He needed to let go.

There was a shy knock on the door and a little head sneaking in, "Dad?"

"Hey, pumpkin! You're home from school already?"

She laughed, entering the office, skipping, "You were writing, huh?" the girl asked as she climbed on his lap. "Because, Daddy, I was playing in my room, it's almost 6." she giggled.

"Yeah, I lost track of time," he said as he plastered a kiss on her forehead.

"Dad!" she exclaimed staring at the screen. "You wrote nothing!"

"It's part of the process honey," he lied, with a big grin.

She laughed, shaking her head, "Gina will be F-U-R-I-O-U-S."

She will be. Trying to write the female detective had been a stupid idea. He didn't even know why he had entertained it for so long. He needed to write something, anything. He needed to get back to Derek Storm, go back to the golden goose, the one he was actually able to write.

His daughter's hands made their way around his neck, her head laid on his shoulder and she whispered in his ear, "I'm hungry, daddy."

Of course she was. He needed to snap out of it.

He smiled, placing her on the floor and grabbing her hand, "Pizza?"

"Yeah!" exclaimed the 10 year old.

He looked at the overly excited child beside him. Yes. He needed to move on, because if Kate Beckett had wanted to see him again, she would have called. She had been out for a couple of weeks. He knew; he and Jim had talked.

_Rick and Jim had bonded over the weeks, they had stopped calling to talk about Kate a long while ago. Of course there was always the quick update, evasive and lacking detail, but they ended up being more. They went for coffee, ball games, even went for a beer a couple of times. It wasn't weird, they were friends._

_Rick didn't know the whole story, but he knew enough to get the picture, or he thought. He only knew what Jim had told him over the weeks, but it was enough. She had been hospitalised, she couldn't have any visitors and she couldn't call. It didn't take a genius to figure out where she was. Jim hadn't explicitly told him, but Rick knew, or thought he did, that Kate was in rehab. And he'd been willing to wait. _

But she hadn't called.

He needed to forget about her.

**Thoughts? Comments? Complaints?**

**Hopefully timeline wise this isn't confusing!**


	14. Chapter 14

Kate pushed the door to the apartment with one hand, Nikki, with his head laying on her shoulder, in the other. It had been a while since she'd been there, but as she entered, closing her eyes, she smelled it, home. The place was a little messier than she'd remembered, but she didn't mind the mess now that her mind wasn't the chaos it used to be. This place, her childhood home, it smelled, just right. It felt like home, perfect.

Except better.

* * *

The park was peaceful on this particular September afternoon. It was the perfect weather, with the sun surrounded by very few clouds; it was neither too hot, nor too cold, nor too humid. It was just right. The scenery around them was beautiful, the leaves had just started to change color, birds still sang perched on their branches and Nikki squealed as a squirrel scurried past them on the hunt for acorns. It had become their routine, every day. Sun, clouds or rain, it didn't matter, they would be there, outside, she and Nikki. They'd walk and eventually, the boy would fall asleep listening to the wind, or the leaves, or the birds, away from the noise and chaos of the city life.

They'd stay outside as much as possible, just the two of them, both craving the peace. She could never get tired of the wind caressing her skin, the sun kissing it. She even enjoyed feeling the rain dripping down on her body. She felt as though she'd missed out on three years of her life, where she had slept through most of the sun's presence, barely registering as the days flew by. Those were years she would never be getting back. Years were she had fallen in inertia and forgotten to live. Three years where she'd missed out on life, because alcohol, sex and drugs may seem fun at first, but it wasn't actually living. And she wouldn't be missing another moment of it.

She walked, slowly strolling, thinking that maybe she should start running, because she hadn't trained in forever. The detective had been in the shape of her life, she, on the other hand, would probably be out of breath after half a mile. Kate sometimes thought about it, the life she'd envisioned for herself, but just for a second. She always just brushed the thoughts away, in a fleeting moment, because they weren't real, but this was. Her son, he was real.

Kate suddenly halted, she hadn't heard son in a while, lost in her thoughts. She pulled up the hood of the stroller just a little, to make sure he truly was asleep, and he was. His rosy cheek was snuggled up on his baby blanket. She slowly took the binky that had fallen out of his mouth and carefully placed it back. She hated when he woke up screaming for it, it physically pained her. She smiled, content, as she pushed the canopy back down, keeping the sun from waking him up.

Kate spotted an empty bench a couple of meters away, in the shade, and changed the trajectory of the stroller. She loved her son, she absolutely did. Even though he already mostly slept through the night, he woke up at dawn at the latest; she was exhausted. Being a parent, a single parent, to a preemie, was exhausting.

She reached the bench and sat, positioning the stroller so Nicolas would be facing her and she pulled up the hood. Pushing her sunglasses on her head, she watched him. She loved watching him sleep. Sometimes she would sing him a melody from his favorite U2 album, just because she knew he loved it, softly humming it when he'd be on the verge of sleep, but not quite there. She loved watching him sleep, so she did everything she could to get him there. He looked so peaceful, so easy, trusting, a reminder that maybe, she hadn't screwed everything up. That she, in the end, had been lucky it turned out how it had. She placed a hand on his tummy, gently pulling on his shirt so it would fit right and she let her hand linger there, because she treasured the feeling of his belly expanding and deflating, a proof that he was in fact, breathing, alive and well.

Nikki was the evidence that life hadn't ended with her mother's murder; that she could do it. She could be happy again.

She'd come to terms with what really happened, she'd accepted it. But there was something missing, something she wanted back. Something she hadn't talked to her father about, something she hadn't talked to her psychotherapist about. Something she was afraid to learn about its whereabouts.

The piece of her mother she had kept around her neck; Kate couldn't find it. She'd went through her room and even her dad's, but nothing had turned up. She couldn't remember the last time she'd actually seen it, really, after her father had given it to her. She knew it was just a ring, just a material thing, but Detective Beckett had carried it around, comforting, and now she craved its presence around her neck. Just like the man, she craved the ring. She'd once carried two, but now she had none. If she couldn't, no, _wouldn't_ have the man, couldn't have his, then maybe, she could have her mother's.

She jolted up. She couldn't have closed her eyes more than a few seconds, awoken by Nikki, squirming under her palm. His big green eyes open and alert, he was awake. _Already._

The idea had been a passing moment, but it had sprouted in her mind long enough to get housed there. Though she hated bringing Nikki along, she had already made up her mind. She needed to see, to search to make sure it wasn't there.

She smiled down on the boy. "Hey Nikki, you want to help mommy go look for granny's ring?" she asked him as she gently tickled his sides.

He squirmed and gave her a big toothless grin, almost granting her a laugh.

"I knew, you'd say that. Always so helpful, my sweet baby boy," she answered as she bent down and kissed his cheek repeatedly.

Getting to her feet, she gently pulled the blanket from the carrier, "Mommy'll just put Blankey in the bag, okay?" Because Blankey was only for sleeping, and she wouldn't have her son dependant on anything, not even a blanket.

She switched out the blanket for the animal themed mobile that had been stashed away in the baby bag, attaching it to the stroller's frame. The toy would keep him occupied, so he wouldn't spit out his pacifier, screaming, demanding to be held just yet. The boy loved being held.

Quickly checking on the boy's diaper before starting to move, Kate approached her face to the boy, exclaiming with a wide smile and exaggerated enthusiasm, "Nikki we're going to take the bus. How exciting!"

The baby threw his arms in the air, flapping his arms and feet, squealing.

"I know, right? We're going on an adventure, baby!"

Kate stepped off the bus and stopped, looking at the rental units. Her dad had stored her stuff there when the landlord to her old apartment had called the cops, worried she hadn't shown up in a while. Her dad had emptied everything out, packing it up and stashing it there. Neither of them had had the courage to sift through it, until then. She fished through her bag and pulled out the key. 117, that was where her stuff was.

She exhaled loudly, pulling to the storage unit door up. She was surprised at how little stuff was actually in there. She stared at it, her life. Before everything, this was everything she'd own, and she couldn't believe it was all of it.

She slowly pushed the stroller in. Her things were piled up in the corner and she smiled, because her dad could have rented a smaller unit, an extremely smaller one. Taking her coat off, she laid it on the floor. Kate hated the fact that Nikki would be stuck in a stroller seat all day, so she unbuckled him and placed him on his belly, on the coat. She gave him a few toys. That way, she'd be feeling less guilty for dragging him there.

She approached the first pile of boxes and shot her head back, giving Nikki a look. He could hardly pull himself up, there was a very slim chance he'd be going anywhere while she had her back to him, but she could never be too careful. She fished the key back from her pocket and cut the tape with it. Pulling the box open, she smiled. On top of the box was a onesie. The one she had bought after finding out Nikki would be a he, the first thing she's bought him. She was suddenly hit by the realisation; it was a onesie he'd never wear.

"Hey Nikki, you see this? It says 'Momma's Boy'. It's what you are, isn't it?" she called out putting the onesie in the air. The baby pulled his head up looking around towards the sound of her voice. "It's the first thing mommy bought for you. We should keep it shouldn't we?"

"Yeah, I agree. We should keep it," she added as she went to the stroller and put it away in the bag.

Kate searched through boxes and boxes of stuff, most of them were clothes, some of them books. When she finally opened the box containing her mother's old Richard Castle book, tracing her fingers over the binding, without ever turning it over, she had thought she was getting closer. She'd emptied the box, sifted through every page of the book in case it had fallen there, but it wasn't there.

When she'd finally been through all the boxes, she slumped to the ground, defeated. She couldn't believe it, as out of it as she'd been, she refused to believe any version of herself would have done anything to her mom's ring. In no world would her mother's ring ever be pawn money to buy her next score, she couldn't believe she'd done it. The ring was somewhere; she just needed to find out exactly where.

She sighed as she unknowingly placed her mother's book in her bag, picking Nikki up and cradling him closely to her chest, needing the comfort of her tiny human.

When Kate got back to her father's place, defeated, it was later than the time she usually came home to. She saw the shoes next to entrance; her dad was already home from work. As she unbuckled her son from the carrier and laid him on the blanket splayed open on the living room floor, she heard him talking.

"Yeah. I gotta go. Kate and Nikki just came back. They are, I promise."

She raised an eyebrow, questioning as her dad came back into the living room, putting his cellphone in his pocket.

It had been an incredibly long day. She was tired, she was exasperated and she was defeated, so she snapped, "It was him again wasn't it?"

She didn't even know why she was mad. At him for keeping it from her? For talking to him? At herself for not asking about him? She couldn't tell.

"Who?" he questioned, feigning innocence. He had actually been waiting for her to mention it.

"Dad, I saw him on the caller ID in the car when we got back from Clairmont."

"Rick?"

"You guys are on a first name, slash nickname, basis?"

"We hung out, Katie. He's lot's of fun."

"My god dad, you're having a _bromance_ with Richard Castle?"

He hadn't expected her to be pissed, though.

"He's a good man, Katie. He cares which is a lot more than I can say for a lot of men you've fallen for."

"Dad, are you kidding me? I can never ever face that man again. Do you have any idea how weird it would be? How awkward?"

"It's not. You'd be good together. I can feel it."

She threw her hands in the air, frustrated, "My dad's having a bromance with the man to which my vividly lucid psychosis had me think I was in a relationship with. The man I was sure I was engaged to. The man I thought I was going to marry. The man I thought I loved. The man I don't even know for god's sake. And he doesn't see the weirdness in it. He's got to be kidding me," she yelled.

And with that she stormed out, like a teenager, slamming the door to her room. Because what if he wasn't the man she had made him to be? She sure as hell wasn't the person she had pictured.

She just didn't think she could take it.

* * *

**Thoughts? Comments? Complaints?**

**There is a lot ok Nikki and Kate, but I feel it's just natural there would be... Hope you still enjoy :)**


	15. Chapter 15

_In._

_And out._

_In._

_And out._

Maybe she had overreacted, she just couldn't help it. Damn pills, damn emotions.

With her eyes closed, Kate was concentrating on her breathing; to control her emotions, to take a step back. It was something she and her psychotherapist had worked on. Kate had thought it was stupid at the time; even rolling her eyes at the woman a few times. Really? Like she ever thought she'd be needing it. She was a rock, her wall so thick around her. She'd always had control on how and when she reacted. Not anymore, the meds had her emotions like a roller coaster. She hated it, hated the feelings bubbling up and hated even more not being to hide them from the world.

But at that moment, Kate was concentrating on her breathing, because a breakdown was the last thing she needed. She didn't want to cry; she didn't want to scream. She just needed to keep her feelings in check. So, she concentrated on her breathing.

With a hand posed on her abdomen, she was counting out the seconds of her exhaling breath. The knock at the door that made her lose count and she opened her eyes as she shook her head.

"Katie?"

She brought her hand to her face, and sighed, but didn't move, didn't answer. She stared at the ceiling, watched as the fan turned round and round as if answers would magically appear.

Another knock echoed in her room. "Katie, we're coming in," Jim stated as he slowly pushed on the door.

His daughter only gave him a quick look before continuing her staring contest with the ceiling. She wasn't ready just yet. He leaned on the doorframe and watched her for a moment, his Katie. He wanted to help her so badly; he'd give anything to know the words that would make her feel better. He wanted to help, he wanted to understand. He got how it could be awkward, he'd avoided mentioning him, but her sudden outburst had him worried. He wanted to know what to do.

Patting Nikki's back, he looked around the room. Maybe Kate needed new. She was in the same room she had grown up in. The room his wife and daughter had painted when they were still a normal family, unburdened by loss and pain. The room hadn't been remodeled as the years had passed. It had been that way ever since Katie was 15. It had the same bed spread, the same colors. It had the same furniture safe for the crib in the corner. He'd kept everything unchanged, even after Johanna had passed, even after Kate had fallen off of the wagon. But maybe his daughter needed something new.

Maybe Kate needed a change in scenery; maybe this place brought back too many memories. Maybe they should find another apartment, bigger, with 3 bedrooms, because Nikki couldn't stay in her room forever. Maybe he shouldn't still be sleeping in the bed he had shared with his wife for over 20 years. Maybe, just maybe, they all needed new.

There was a light green rug at the foot of the bed, between it and a dresser. Jim walked to it and placed the baby, now squirming to get free, on it. He sat on the floor beside him, his back against the dresser and called out, "Do you want me to call Dr. Franklin? See if she can fit you in?" Because if he couldn't find the right words, maybe she could. She was trained for this, she'd already helped people through things like this, right?

Kate breathed in and out one last time. There was a silent pause and she rolled her eyes. The stupid breathing thing really did work. Suddenly, she felt bad, because, she shouldn't be taking it out on her dad. She'd been mad about the ring, but it was her own damn fault. She'd lost it. The Rick Castle of it all had just been the oil on the fire that had been her disappointing day. She was mad at herself, not at her father, and certainly not mad at him. She could never be mad at him.

Kate rose up, and moved to the edge of the bed, sitting, with her feet dangling to the floor, "I'm fine, dad. I'm sorry I snapped. I'm sorry I'm being such a brat, because you're great. You're awesome, dad. I don't know what I'd do without you."

He smiled, unknowingly bringing a hand to his chest, his daughter was one tough cookie, "Are you sure Katie? There's nothing wrong with needing help once in a while. You've been through a lot."

"No, it's fine, really," she answered with a smile, as to prove her point.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She got up from the bed and lowered herself to the floor, sitting diagonally from her father, with her back against the bed. "Not really," the woman answered as she pulled Nikki to her, snuggling him tightly, as if shielding herself from what was about to come.

"He was worried about you. It's just the type of person he is. You still know how to make an impression, dear daughter of mine." He smiled, and though she hid behind her son, Jim could see the makings of a smile behind the light-haired head. He continued, "Okay, so maybe it's weird that Rick and I kind of became friends, but Katie he was there. He's a good person and I needed that."

She sat Nikki between her legs and started playing with his little plastic rattle, avoiding her father's eyes, "I don't think I could deal with him. It hurts just mentioning him. You can hang out with him, I don't mind, I just don't think I ever could," she added, biting at her lower lip.

"Kate… I have no idea what to tell you right now, I can't begin to understand what you've been through. I just don't want you shutting yourself off. You have the habit of overthinking. Just talk to him, tell him you're okay. Tell him thanks. That's all he wants right now."

She continued playing with her son, the boy grabbing and shaking the toy at his own will. When he finally had a good grasp on the toy, Kate looked up, "Dad, you've got no idea how real it felt. I wanted him so bad when I was in the hospital. I needed him. I _craved_ him. Now, I don't think anyone would ever measure up."

"If that's what worries you, Katie, I haven't told him. He doesn't know where you've been, what happened. He certainly doesn't know what's been going on in that gorgeous head of yours. I haven't told him and I never would. It's not my place, Kate."

"I know dad, it's not that. It's just, it's hard."

"So you're giving up? Because the way you describe how you felt… He's-"

"I'm concentrating on me, dad. I'm concentrating on the 2 men in my life. I think that's enough for now. I don't think that's giving up."

"I don't either, except if you're doing it because you're scared, or uncomfortable. Some things are just worth the hassle, Kate."

He watched as she trailed her fingers through Nikki's soft hair as the boy sucked on the rattle he was playing with. She was avoiding his eyes, pensive. Jim laid his head on the dresser, closing his eyes as silence filled the room.

"How is he?" she asked as she trailed her index gently over her son's soft cheek, looking at him intently.

Jim smiled, because they really had been lucky. "He's great Kate, look at him. Nikki's going to be okay. The doctors don't think they'll be permanent damage to his heart. He's catching up to the growth curb, he can almost sit up now. He's doing great, Kate."

She looked at her son and smiled, because he had to become a fighter, a survivor, at a very young age thanks to her misdoings, but it wasn't what she had meant. And he was definitely doing great.

"No, Castle… _Rick_… How is he?"

"He's fine, Kate. He's fine."

She shook her head; it still wasn't what she meant. "No, I mean, how _is_ he?"

He smiled because maybe there was hope.

"He's kind, he's funny. He can sometimes say the most obnoxious things, but he's a good man. He'd do just about anything for the people he cares about."

She smiled, because that sounded exactly like _her_ Rick.

"Got a little man crush here, dad?" she joked as she arched her eyebrow.

Jim laughed, because he knew her daughter. She was diverting, making this about him, but he knew. There most certainly was hope.

* * *

"Kate, we're going to be late! What are you doing?" Jim yelled out.

"I'm coming, just give me a second!"

"Nikki's telling me he'll throw a tantrum if we're late! Maybe even throw up on your shirt a little," he yelled as he winked at his grandson.

"Dad, jeez, we've got plenty of time. And my baby would never throw a tantrum, now would he?" she exclaimed as she came running to the entrance. "The spit up I do believe though!" she added as she kissed Nikki's cheek then her dad's before hurrying to put her sneakers on.

"You know I enjoy watching the pre-game warm up, Kate."

She rolled her eyes. They were still going to be early for the warm-up, way early. They had more than enough time.

"What took so long?" he asked.

Kate smiled incredibly proud of herself. "I was looking for this!" she exclaimed as she pulled out a crumpled cap sticking from the back of her jeans, placing it on her head and pulling her ponytail out the back.

"That old rag? You kept us waiting for that?" he exclaimed as he approached her head and gave a whiff. "It smells!"

"Come on dad, it doesn't smell!"

"Kate it's disgusting! You must have gotten this when you were what 12, 13? And you never took that think off. I can't believe it still fits!"

"Ohh dad! How dare you? You did not just say that. It's signed and it's their good luck charm." Why do you think they've been doing so poorly this season?"

"Okay then, if it's there good luck charm, then I'll allow it."

"Allow it?" she laughed, "Dad, I'm almost 25, I have a kid. I think were past that."

"I'll always be your father, Katie."

"Yes you will," she added gently smacking her lips on his cheek.

The stadium was already crawling with people when they arrived. It was Nikki's first baseball game. Kate had been excited about bringing Nikki; she always loved it as a kid. She knew he was years from being able to understand. She didn't care, he looked adorable in his Yankee's romper and booties. Yup, she had become _one of those_ moms. While her dad too, was excited, it was for an entirely different reason.

They made their way through the party that posed as a parking lot towards the entrane. The line was already long and Jim looked at his daughter, shaking his head. She smiled and rolled her eyes, "Dad, we still have plenty of time."

He sighed loudly, making her smile.

When they finally got to their section, the warm-up had barely begun, but she'd be hearing about it for the next week, no, month. They found their row and huddled, bumping into the knees of people already seated until they could get to their places. Their seat numbers were slowly approaching, and Kate's eyes caught sight of something. Her heart started pounding as she recognized the back of the dark haired man. When the man turned around, her eyes widened, as they met his. She hissed, "Dad?"

Jim smiled widely, "Katie, I hope you don't mind I invited Rick. We've been going to these things together; he's become quite the Yankees fan. I didn't think he'd want to miss the series." He winked at her, "Especially now that they have their lucky cap back in the stands."

From the look Rick was giving her, he was also taken aback. He hadn't expected her to be there. Both of them were frozen, unsure what their next move was going to be.

Kate looked at Rick, then back at her dad, with an expression mixed with anger and fear, lots of fear.

* * *

**This one's for my mother, that I love, but who's always interfering in my love life.**

**Thoughts? Complaints? Comments?**


	16. Chapter 16

Jim felt the two pair of eyes burn through him and for a millisecond he hesitated, debated internally whether this had been a poor idea. In the end, his final verdict remained positive. Sometimes if you're too close to something, you can't see it clearly. Yeah, it needed to happen.

Rick, on the other hand, was utterly, completely, flabbergasted. He couldn't believe Jim hadn't told him his daughter was going to be there. The ache of rejection still stung, because that was what it was: Rejection. She hadn't contacted him. He'd been mad at first. No, not mad. Never mad, because he understood she was dealing with some stuff. He'd been disappointed and a little taken aback. He usually had a flare for these kinds of things and he could have sworn they'd both felt it at the bookstore.

Now, there she was, frozen, in front of him looking better than ever. Motherhood suited her well. The woman was standing there, and he was unsure as to how he should react. They'd only met that one time, but he had definitely felt something.

So, he reacted the only way he thought he could, like a gentleman. Standing up, he hesitated. Should he kiss her on the cheek? A simple handshake? Maybe a hug? Or a pat on the back? Uhh. Being a gentlemen could be hard work. Bypassing Kate, he decided to start with the easier Beckett, giving himself the time to think. He extended his arm awkwardly towards the man standing behind Kate, who still hadn't moved. The man shook it intently, grinning widely before sitting down to watch the warm-up, suddenly uninterested by their company.

He then turned his glare to the other, more difficult to deal with Beckett and caught her eyes fluster. She'd been staring, and that gave him the little confidence he needed. The woman had the ability to get under his skin and he had no idea why.

* * *

When Kate realised he was standing up she shivered. She wasn't ready for this and silently she cursed her father for putting her in that situation. She'd told him she wasn't. Rick moved forward in their direction, but bypassed her, reaching for her father's hand instead. As he brushed past her, she smelled it, smelled him. It was the odor that had invaded her thoughts, invaded her dreams, her messed up reality. She breathed in, her chest filling as she followed his every movement with her eyes. She couldn't help it, couldn't unglue her eyes from him. She'd never felt anything like that, experienced that draw that pulled her towards him.

She was still staring when she realised the pair had finished their handshake and her dad had taken his seat. Her eyes were still on the writer when he turned towards her. She could feel the heat rise up to her cheeks, the embarrassment of being caught and, though she'd never been particularly religious, she prayed it didn't show. She quickly darted her eyes away from the man, but knew her attempts to hide it had been futile. She'd been staring, and she'd been caught.

Rick smiled, his confidence back, but decided against teasing her. Opting for the handshake, you can never go wrong with a handshake, he extended his hand stating genuinely, "Hi Kate, it's nice to see you again." And it was. "You look good." And she did.

She grabbed onto his hand and when their eyes, met, the world stopped turning around them. They held on, there hand extended in front of them, until the boy, snuggled close to her chest, decided it was enough. Nikki squirmed and whined, nested comfortably in the sling, but trying to break free. Kate took back her hand shyly, smiling nervously at the man as she patted her son's back.

"And who might this charmer be?" inquired Castle as he approached his face slowly to the infant's.

His hair was now incredibly close to her and once again, she was mesmerized by the smell of him, losing touch with reality once more. A few seconds of silence later, Castle tilted his head slightly up so he'd meet Kate's eyes.

She was startled, nervous as her absence became apparent, "Humm… Yeah… yeah… That's Nikki. Nicolas."

Rick smiled, "It's very nice to meet you Nikki-"

"Will you guys just sit? You're blocking the view," growled Jim, already concentrated on the action on the field. A couple of people in the back of them verbally agreed, causing Rick and Kate to look at each other and laugh nervously. Rick motioned his hand towards her seat, waiting for her to sit before taking possession of his.

She nodded, pulling the still squirming baby out of the sling. Kate looked around her searching for options. Naturally, Rick extended his arms and, lack of better alternatives, she placed her son in his arms. After detaching the sling and freeing herself of the baby bag, they both sat down. Nikki was still in Rick's arms and she didn't dare ask him back. Rick seemed content with the boy right where he was and her son was peacefully laying his back to Rick's chest. Her son looked comfortable and who could blame him? She certainly couldn't.

* * *

The game was tense; she tried concentrating on it. The crowd was going nuts. Kate could usually get lost in the game; scream obscene things to refs, but not this time. They were sitting so closely, their elbows touching over the plastic seats. She tried to concentrate on the ball, the movements of the bat, anything. She tried getting into it after a swift save or a nice catch, but she couldn't. She couldn't get into the game.

She needed to get out, take a little breather. She turned to Castle, because she knew better than to distract her father during a game, especially a series game. She spoke softly, her mouth dangerously close to his ear as she spoke, "I need to go to the bathroom. Do you mind watching Nikki for a few minutes?"

He smiled looking down on the boy, peacefully sleeping in his arms, "A few minutes?" he joked, because the boy hadn't left his arms since he'd taken hold of him during the warm-up.

She smiled, because with this man and her baby, it truly could be a picture perfect moment. "I won't be long," she stated and without even thinking, she pecked him on the cheek as she got up. Her eyes widened and she stopped, but couldn't make herself turn around, didn't want to see the stunned expression on his face. She didn't even want to see hers, so she hurried away, heading towards the washrooms.

Because it had felt so natural when it shouldn't. It shouldn't have felt so natural.

She breathed loudly, grabbing both edges of the sink with her hands. She leaned forward, looking at herself in the mirror.

_Holy shit, Kate! Get a grip. What the hell was that?_

The situation was already beyond weird and she had decided to casually kiss his cheek. Seriously? She shook her head, disapproving of her actions. She patted her flaming cheeks with cold water; because this was exactly what she needed right now, a cold shower.

Maybe she was overthinking it. People gave each other kisses on the cheeks, it was no big deal. In some countries it was even the greeting norm. She was probably overthinking it. He probably hadn't given the gesture another thought. She'd just ignore it. Act as if it never happened.

She looked at herself in the mirror and gave herself a nod. As she walked out of the bathroom, she was feeling better. Yup, that's what she'd do, not talk about it. She was actually good at avoiding things.

Walking back towards their section she heard it. Even as the crowds chanted she could hear it, clearly. She quickened her pace and was faced with them just as she was about to turn the corner. Her son was wailing, loudly. How long had she been gone?

Richard Castle was walking in circles in the hallway, bouncing the boy gently, holding him closely to his chest. He wasn't paying attention to the movements around him, his attention focused on the screaming infant. Kate had gotten quite close to them when he finally saw her and his eyes widened in relief, hope. She extended her arms and he willingly handed over the boy whose cheeks were stained with tears.

He stated nervously, "He doesn't need a diaper change. I checked. And he's too worked up for a bottle."

Kate nodded as she hummed his song and bounced him gently. Nikki's screams lowered to a whimper until he eventually fell silent.

"He just needed his mommy," Rick added softly with a smile.

"I'm sorry, he's usually not that needy."

Rick shook his head still smiling, "It's okay. _Really._ He woke up to an unfamiliar face and couldn't find you, he panicked." He felt the need to whisper the rest of his statement, "Then all hell broke loose!"

"My father?"

"He was going to follow me; I told him I had it."

"Good man," she added as she nodded in approval. Rick really did know her father better than she thought.

"He's got powerful lungs that one," he said as he stroked Nikki's chin with his index. The boy only nestled his head further into his mother's neck.

"Yup, he definitely has. I should probably have told you his pacifier was in the baby bag," she smiled.

Rick narrowed his eyes. "Probably."

"Hey, Nikki, why so cranky?" she directed the question to the boy as she kissed his head.

"He's probably just tired," Rick answered looking at his watch. "My arms probably aren't the comfiest bed."

"They're comfy just fine," she added under her breath.

"What?"

"Nothing, I guess bringing a 5 month old to an 8 o'clock baseball game wasn't the brightest idea, huh? I surprise myself as to how out of it I find myself sometimes."

"You're doing fine. The boy clearly adores you. Who wouldn't?"

She felt the color rise to her cheeks and she laid one of them on the crown of Nikki's head, looking at Rick.

"I brought Alexis to with me to a bar once."

"Your 10 year old?"

"It gets worst; she wasn't even two at the time."

She laughed, "What?"

"You know the old haunt?"

"I think I've heard of it. Speak-easy style pub? Writer's bar?"

"Yeah. That's the one. Well, I wrote a couple of my first books there, could write for hours in a booth. When Alexis was about 22 months, I was kind of lacking inspiration. I had no time for myself, you know how it is… I was on my third novel, and I was weeks past my due date. The Old Haunt had always worked for me. So I strapped Alexis in the stroller and went there. She was asleep, what could go wrong? Turns out, a lot of things!"

She laughed, because that did make her feel better. Everybody makes mistakes.

The sound of the ball hitting the bat echoed through the stadium and the crowd roared.

"Looks like were missing all the fun," the writer beamed.

But Kate, though she'd always enjoyed baseball, was having some fun just standing there. Even though this Rick wasn't _her _Rick, he was still pretty great.

"Can we go back now, Nikki?" he asked hopefully.

"I think he's sleeping," she whispered looking down to the baby.

"Well screaming like that would tire out the healthiest of them all," he joked. "Are you ready?"

He extended his arm and she hooked hers around his, gently bumping her shoulder to his as they walked back to their seats.

She smiled.

Because maybe her father had been right, maybe she was.

* * *

**I have no idea why, but I'm pretty nervous about posting this chapter. **

**Here's to hoping you enjoyed it.**


	17. Chapter 17

It had been easy at first, when he was still only a memory. It had been easy when she had convinced herself he had been the makings of her drugged out delusions. It had been easy before she'd seen him, heard him, smelled him… before she'd touched him.

Had. It _had _been easy.

Because he was real, he'd been more than real; he'd been there, just like that. And her body was reacting, like an addiction she'd entertained for so long and couldn't get rid of, the need, the longing.

Before the baseball game she had been able to ignore it, and she'd been successful enough, or had she thought. But now, she was finding it more and more difficult to ignore, ignore him. She wasn't even sure it was worth the fight anymore.

He was real. He was there, and she couldn't remember why she had even fought it to begin with.

* * *

Her day had been completely normal. She and Nikki had always spent their days like that. She wasn't a stalker. It was routine, just like every other day. _Almost._

Maybe it was Nikki. Yes, it was her son's fault, wasn't of her makings; he was to blame. That's what she'd tell herself.

Kate hadn't purposefully left a little later than usual from the apartment. They hadn't lingered longer than they usually did at the park. She didn't have an ulterior motive for her extensive bird, and people, watching this afternoon. She had absolutely not given more than a thought to the route she would be taking home today. The new itinerary was hardly even longer. There was no reason Kate had made them walk by this particular coffee shop that afternoon. It was just a coffee shop and she really did want one. She did.

As she entered, she wasn't hoping he'd be there, writing. It hadn't even crossed her mind, because her dad hadn't casually mentioned the week before that Rick would sometimes write there, on Wednesday afternoons, waiting for his daughter's violin lessons to finish. She wasn't.

She wasn't a stalker. It wasn't weird. This was completely, utterly, normal.

Taking a step towards the counter, she saw him, from the corner of her eye. She placed her order, casually observing him from afar. He was intently staring at his laptop screen, oblivious to the world around him and she wasn't sure she had the courage to walk up to him. Not when he was this concentrated, this imbued in his work.

Just seeing him could probably be enough for now. It had to. It had to be enough to drown that fire that had wouldn't die out. Because she couldn't keep ignoring it, it consumed her. It stopped her from functioning properly, ever since the ball game almost 2 weeks ago and it needed to stop.

She was pensive, contemplating her next move when she heard her name being called. Her head jerked up, and the barista smiled at her, extending the fuming paper cup; her coffee order was ready. She turned around, looking at the door, weighing her options, when she heard it, "Kate! Hey!" and finally she began to breathe again.

He had his hand in the air waving, in a totally Castle, 'I-like-people-to-notice', way.

She couldn't tell if she was surprised or relieved, probably a little of both, but she exhaled a soft, "Hey, Rick."

Turning around, she expertly manoeuvred the stroller through the narrow spaces between the tables towards Rick's. Once beside his, the writer motioned to the empty chair in front of him, giving her one of his million dollar smiles, making her heart clench. And that was it. She was done fighting. Her heart was already too deeply involved, too deep into this to back down anyways. Plus, she had nothing to lose.

Kate locked the stroller's wheels at the end of the table and sat down. Rick diverted his attention to her son, still buckled into place. He playfully pulled on his foot, smiling, "Hey, little man. You look good."

He added turning towards her, "You too."

"You're not so bad yourself, Castle," she answered slyly, carefully placing her hair behind her ear.

He smiled and shrugged his shoulder, nodding cockily and she rolled her eyes.

"Hey you said it," he beamed out.

She shook her head and gave him another eye roll and he laughed. She unzipped her coat, because although it was chilly outside in the late October, the crowded shop was well heated.

"Is it getting hot in here?" he inquired jokingly.

"I'm dressed for outside," she stated ignoring his childish jokes and stripping Nikki of his light green jacket. "We were coming back from the park, funny running into you here," she added casually.

"Alexis has her violin lesson in the building in front. I usually wait here, the coffee's amazing. Plus, I take the time to catch up on my writing."

"Oh, we're intruding?" she asked.

"You're a very welcome distraction to say the least," he stated as he tickled Nikki's tummy with his left hand.

She laughed, "I bet we are. Stuck, are you?"

"You can say that."

"So what are you working on?" she asked as she proceeded to sit straighter in her chair.

"Latest Derrick Storm," he answered without much enthusiasm.

"Oh," she said, disappointed. She had no reason to be, he obviously wouldn't be writing any Nikki Heat books.

"I'm almost done; I just can't seem to figure out the ending."

He stared at his screen while she stared at him and suddenly it hit her, "Just kill him."

"What?"

"Derrick Storm, kill him. Bullet in the head, then move on-"

"Shhhhhh… Beckett! Spoiler alert much? Do you want to start a riot?" he whispered as he looked around.

"Get a grip of yourself Castle, this isn't Harry Potter."

"Ouch, Beckett. That hurts."

"I'm pretty sure you'll survive," she laughed.

"I don't know. Just to be sure, you do know mouth to mouth, right?"

She rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"What? You'd let me die?" he asked faking offended.

"I wouldn't let you die Castle," she added resigned.

He smiled cockily and she added with a playful smile, "I'm sure the old lady sitting two tables back staring at you would jump to the occasion to give you some mouth to mouth. I could probably call 9-1-1 for you though."

He turned around, to the woman in question and the elderly gave him a toothless smile. He had no other choice but to smile back and wave. The hurt, puppy dog, expression on his face when he turned around made her chuckle.

"Let's just say-" he started, but was interrupted by Nikki's cries.

"You don't like being all alone in that stroller do you now? Feel like you're missing all the fun," she told the boy, as she unbuckled him. Grabbing him under his arms, she pulled him out. As she did, both Rick and Kate, exclaimed, "Phewww" at the same time. Castle crinkled his nose in disgust, "That's… woaw… What the hell do you feed him?"

She chuckled. "Yup, duty calls. I'll be right back" she stated as she grabbed the diaper bag and hurried towards the washroom.

Rick sank back in his chair, watching her as she walked away, the short bob of curly hair bouncing just above her shoulder. She wasn't the same person he had met all those months ago. She wasn't the woman that had made such an impression, wasn't the woman who had completely stripped him of his ability to write. She wasn't, she was much more. She was different from what he had remembered, though it wasn't necessarily a bad thing.

The woman he had met, that he had helped, that had intrigued him, fascinated him, she was still there. Only she was a lot less tense, a lot more care-free. The tension in her body was slowly dissipating and with that his was also. He smiled to himself because maybe he'd finally met someone capable of throwing him back the ball.

Rick checked his watch and the numbers that stared back had him discouraged; he didn't know when he'd see her again. Alexis' lesson was almost over. He'd need to leave, soon. Slowly, he saved the files he'd worked on, though not much had been done and closed his laptop. He drank the last gulp of his now cold cup of coffee and sighed.

"Are you going already?" she asked walking back to their table, a clean smelling baby in her arms.

* * *

There was absolutely nothing worth his time on Tv Jim had decided as he laid the remote on the coffee table. Suddenly, his cell phone right next to it chimed. Picking it up, he smiled as he read the message on the screen:

_Getting a bite to eat with Rick and Alexis. Won't be home late._ -KB

* * *

**So, short-_ish_ chapter. But it was either that or an extra-extra long chapter next time. Still hope you enjoyed.**

**I really, really love reading what you guys have to say! You guys are all awesome!**

**(Feel free to criticize also if you feel like it, I can only grow from that.)**


	18. Chapter 18

"Are you going already?" she asked walking back to their table, a clean smelling baby in her arms.

"Yeah, well, Alexis' lesson will be over in 15, so I better get over there," he answered, closing the screen of his laptop, grabbing it and shoving it away in his bag.

_Already._

She didn't sit, couldn't sit. She repositioned the boy on her hip, balancing herself from one foot to the other. "Oh, okay," she said, trying to mask her disappointment.

Still going with casual, she asked, "See you around, then?" though she couldn't quite hide the hope that emanated from the question.

Was this stalking him going to become a thing? She hoped not.

He stood up and positioned the bag's strap over his shoulder, "Yeah, I hope I see you around," he said. He put an arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer to him and hugged her, Nikki squished between them. Because he'd felt like it, and he didn't feel the need to analyse his every move anymore. Wasn't afraid she'd turn around and leave and that he'd never see her again.

Despite the initial shock that shook her core, Kate's free hand instinctively snaked its way to his back and rested there, content. She closed eyes, trying not to get overwhelmed by the situation, but oddly enough, she wasn't. She felt at ease there, in his arms.

A lot too soon for both their liking, Rick kissed the top of Nikki's head as he pulled away. "I promised your dad a couple of beers, maybe you should come," he told her.

Already she missed the contact of his body close to hers, bringing her free hand to her shoulder where his hand had rested. She rubbed her neck, only then to realise he was waiting for her to answer. Yeah, he had talked about beer, or something like that. She wanted to, but maybe alcohol wasn't the best idea, she didn't want to go back there; she couldn't take the chance. "Yeah… maybe you could join me and Nikki in the park one afternoon."

He seemed content with her answer, and if he'd been surprised or disappointed, he didn't let it show, "You have my number?"

"No, but I'll just ask my dad." Because her dad had Richard Castle's phone number and she didn't.

"Ok, call me!" he exclaimed, as he hurried to the door giving her once last look. Rick got to the door, his hand on the door handle, and just when he was about to push it open he paused. Should he?

"Kate?"

"Yeah. I'll call you, Castle. Go in peace," she shot back to him with a smile and a wink.

He turned around and walked back to the table, "Do you want to come?"

"Where?"

"I don't know, we'll probably just grab something to eat."

"You mean now? With your daughter?"

"Yeah, well nothing too extravagant, she has school in the morning. She'll ground me if she isn't in bed by 8."

Kate chuckled at the statement, looking at Nikki, then back at Rick.

_Oh. And what the hell?_

* * *

She had thought it best to wait for them outside the building, but she hated waiting; she wasn't any good at it. She had one hand on the stroller, the other tightly grasping at her collar, keeping her jacket shut. She rocked the stroller, along with her body, back and forth as she hummed 'An Other Time, Another Place'. Nicolas really did love the song, but she hummed mostly to cover the silence that was creeping over. She didn't want the time to think, the time to second guess herself.

The melody was getting jumbled about in her head when the glass doors finally opened. An agglomeration of kids and parents hurried out, each talking louder than next. She soon spotted the writer and his daughter caught in an intense conversation.

"Oh! Oh! And daddy, you were right she says my posture's improved _a lot_," beamed the girl out excitedly.

"That's very nice, pumpkin."

"And Ms. Joan also said that if I practice the Spicatto for next time, she'd give _ME_ the solo."

"I'm very proud of you Alexis. Once you set your mind on something, there's no stopping you. I'm sure you'll be perfecting the Spicatto in no time," he added as he brought his arm around the girl and pulled her closer towards him. The girl smiled as she buried her face in her father's side.

They walked towards her and soon enough, they were standing in front of her. Kate wiped her sweaty palms on her pants as she stepped in front of the stroller, smiling nervously.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"Hey?" said Alexis looking at Kate, then tilting her head up towards her father.

"Alexis, do you remember my friend, Jim? You know, the one that brought you the Cowboys and Indians Legos?"

"Yeah!" she nodded enthusiastically as her eyes widened in joy, at the mention of the toys.

"Well this is Kate, Jim's daughter. I invited her to come eat with us today."

"Cool," she said. Detaching herself from her father, she took a step towards Kate, extending her small hand, "It's nice to meet you Kate. I'm Alexis, this is my daddy." The girl chuckled nervously, "But I bet you knew that already."

Kate got down to the girl's level, smiling as she took the 10 year olds hand, gently shaking it, "It's very nice to meet you too, Alexis."

Alexis smiled shyly, brushing her cheek over her shoulder.

Nikki squirmed behind them, unhappy about all the attention he _wasn't_ getting. Suddenly, Alexis' eyes popped open and the image of the shy little girl was gone. She bounced towards the stroller as she beamed out, "You have a baby!"

"I do. This is Nikki."

"Nikki?"

"Nicolas, but I call him Nikki. You can call him whatever like."

"My dad calls me pumpkin," stated the child, "It's because of my hair," she added, feeling the need to explain.

Alexis approached the stroller, one hand on the hood, her face peaking in to Nikki's great amusement, "He's so tiny!"

Alexis took Nikki's pacifier that had fallen out and placed it back in his mouth, "I always wanted one of those! A lot of my friends have them."

Kate smiled, then widened her eyes at the statement. Her 10 year old friends had… wait. What? She looked over at Castle, the confusion visible on her face.

He smirked, before answering, "She means a baby brother or sister. She begged for one for years. Even asked Santa once."

She nodded letting out a little chuckle.

Nikki shrieked, making Rick and Kate turn around towards the sound. They were faced with the picture of Alexis playing an intense game of peek-a-boo with the boy, squealing in joy. They watched the moment of pure bliss between their kids for a couple of minutes, smiling as they naturally gravitated towards each other.

Their shoulders touched and Rick snapped out of his trans, "How about we get move on this Alexis? If we ever want to eat."

"Unhuh."

"Lex?"

"What?" asked the girl, only one eye was visible, her hands hiding her porcelain skinned face.

"Food. Us. Go."

The girl jumped to Kate's side, clasping her hands together in prayer, "Can I push the stroller? Please. Please. Pretty, pretty please?"

Kate smiled down at the girl. "Sure, if it gets too heavy, you let me know, alright?"

They had walked about a block, stopped at the red light of an intersection, when Alexis turned around towards her father and Kate, who were trailing closely behind her.

"Do you want me to take over?" asked Kate.

Alexis shook her head in response; with her index she motioned her dad to come closer. She whispered, but loudly enough that Kate heard, a question that had seemingly been preoccupying her, "So if Jim is _your_ friend, and Kate is his daughter, does that mean Kate is _my_ friend."

Rick just stared at his daughter in disbelief.

Kate chuckled, "I can be both your friends. But I like you more," she stated as she winked at Alexis.

The girl content with that answer, went on pushing the stroller. Kate turned to Rick, "Where are we going?"

"I'm still digesting."

"Oh, come on. Who wouldn't? Little Castle's all kinds of cute."

"Yeah you're right," he chuckled.

"So, where you taking us?"

"I don't know."

"You what?"

"Hey Lex, where are we going?" he called out.

"Home," stated the child.

"Wait. Home? You don't want to stop for something to eat?" he questioned.

Alexis stopped and turned towards her father. As the stroller stopped moving, Nikki threw one of his toys out and Kate ran forward to retrieve it.

"Can we have some take-out delivered? I really want Nikki and Kate to see my room, and my Legos, and my Finding Nemo backpack," answered the girl.

"I think Nikki's a bit too young to play with Legos, pumpkin, but you ask Kate."

Kate jogged back to them, putting away the toy in the basket at the bottom of the stroller, when Alexis asked, "Kate, my dad wants to know if Nikki can play with the Legos."

Kate laughed, giving Castle a confused look as she got back up.

"I meant about the take-out, Lex," he whispered.

"Oh. Kate?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you like take-out? Because I think sitting in a restaurant is long and boring. So we could eat at our apartment. I could show you my toys. Is that okay?"

"Sure."

"Dad, she said sure!" she exclaimed

"I heard, Lex," he laughed.

"Let's go home then."

* * *

**I know I promised a long Chapter, and I failed, but I needed to cut it because I don't like posting 5000 word chapters. For that, I am sorry. Also, had a tough week. I was dealing with stuff, and when I woke up from my ice cream/ romantic comedy coma, I realised part 2 of this chapter was… depressing and angry. And it had more to do with me than the story, so I'm going to change it. **

**Posted part 1 because I liked it, hope you do too.**

**PS. If anyone can explain (or volunteer) how to get someone to Beta-Read, I'd be eternally grateful. Because I don't think I'm going at this right.**


	19. Chapter 19

He held the door open, smiling as an invitation for her to go in. Alexis had already hung her coat and ran off when finally, Kate stepped in, amazed.

She'd been surprised when they had made their way to an unfamiliar building. She shouldn't be; she tried not to be. She needed to make a clear cut between the reality and her fantasies. She needed to, or else she'd lose the control she desperately needed. She needed to think of them as what they were, fantasies, delusions. If she really wanted them to stand a chance, she needed to dissociate the Castle that had been alive in her head from the one standing before her. She needed to.

She held back a gasp as she entered. Placing the carrier on the floor, she breathed it in. The loft was incredible; wasn't like she'd imagined it, but the place took her breath away nonetheless. The layout, the décor, the colors, everything fit together, perfectly, yet still managed to feel like a home, wasn't the kind of museum condominium where you'd feel bad for moving a cushion. Kate slowly unburdened herself from her coat, looking around, still open-jawed. This was it, really, millionaire Richard Castle's home. And she was there, here.

Rick smiled as he took the coats, hanging them in the entrance closet. Kate kneeled to the ground, freeing the boy from the constraints of the seat and pulling him out, also undressing him of his jacket. She felt Castle brush past her back and head towards the kitchen, shooting his head back towards her, he asked, "So, what do you feel like?"

"Pizza!" screamed Alexis from the living room, head popping from her toy box as she threw her hands in the air and running towards them.

"I know what _you_ feel like, pumpkin, but I was actually asking, Kate. She's our guest, remember?"

"Right. I'm sorry," she quickly said, grabbing the woman's hand and leading her to the kitchen's island where Castle was pulling out the take-out menus.

"Do you like pizza, Kate?" she asked hopefully, swinging their arms, her eyes meeting Kate's.

The woman smiled, "I do, I love pizza."

"I knew it! Everybody loves pizza!" Alexis exclaimed, letting go as she swirled excitedly in the kitchen.

"And I love mine with artichokes, olives and anchovies," Kate added giving Rick a quick wink.

Alexis stopped swirling and looked at her in disgust.

"No," the girl stated.

"No?" asked his father, laughing.

"No." Alexis laughed at her turn as she shook her head. "She's kidding. I can tell," she beamed out, smiling widely.

Kate burst out laughing, "You're right Alexis. What's your favorite kind?"

"Pepperoni!"

"Mine too!"

"With mushrooms."

"With mushrooms!" Kate exclaimed.

"Pizza it is, then," stated Rick. "Salad or fries?"

"Both!" the girl chimed in, both her hands landing noisily on the on the counter, "Because although fries come from potatoes and potatoes come from the ground, they don't really count as a vegetable. And we need vegetables, don't we daddy?"

"Ugh, vegetables," he joked.

"They make us big and strong!"

"You got it, Lex. Salad and fries, then," he stated, pulling out his phone and dialing.

Alexis turned towards Kate, smiling widely and Nikki squirmed in Kate's arms, making her position him on her other hip, getting a better grip.

"Can I hold him?" the girl inquired.

"Sure. If you sit on the couch," she added pointing to the living room.

Alexis ran to the couch and jumped backwards, into a sitting position. Kate followed behind, smiling at the enthusiasm of the girl. Alexis extended her arms and gently, Kate placed her son on her.

"I think he likes me!" she exclaimed as the boy giggled in her arms.

"He sure does, Alexis."

Rick followed closely behind, "Pizza will be here in about 30 minutes. Do you want anything to drink? I make really excellent water, right, Lex?" He had slipped up at the coffee shop, but he didn't know if she knew that he knew. So, he pretended not to notice, but he wasn't about to make the same mistake.

"Right," she stated, clearly not listening.

He frowned, making Kate chuckle, "No, but seriously, I do make some mad lemonade."

Alexis looked up at her father, "He's _so_ cute. Daddy, can we keep him?"

He laughed, "You say that now pumpkin, but, you won't find him as cute when he's screaming his lungs out looking for this one," he tilted his head in Kate's direction.

"We can keep Kate too," she added nonchalantly.

The adults giggled nervously, "I don't think so Alexis," he added.

"Why?"

"Well-"

"Nikki doesn't have a crib here," Kate cut in.

"Oh, right," said the girl, accepting the reasoning.

"They'll come back, Lex, don't worry," he added as he looked at Kate, who smiled in response.

_Good._

* * *

Kate got up and picked up the dishes and silverware, piling them up in one hand as Castle put the leftover slices in sealed containers. Alexis picked up the glasses and placed them on the counter, beside the sink.

She turned around to Kate, following her, "Kate, do you want to know what my favorite movie is?"

"Sure," she answered as she placed the dishes in the sink.

"Finding Nemo. My dad says he'd do the same for me! Travel the world. Do you want to watch it? You could be Dory."

"Sure sounds like a plan," she laughed uneasily, not sure she understood everything the girl had just said, "Just let me clean this up, I'll come and join you."

"Nonsense, let the boys do the cleaning," he called out, looking over at Nikki, seated in his improvised stroller turned highchair.

"You sure?"

"Go. Entertain my daughter, Dory. Before you forget she's waiting."

"What?"

"You'll see."

"P. Sherman, Wallaby, Sydney! P. Sherman, Wallaby, Sydney!" chanted Alexis as she marched to the TV.

"It's actually a really nice movie," he smiled, "Go. We've got this."

"Thanks," she smiled.

Alexis was seated, cross-legged between piles and piles of movies, looking for the one.

"Do you need any help?" Kate asked before sitting on the couch.

"I've got it!" the girl exclaimed, pulling the movie case out. Alexis put the movie in and grabbed the remote, running towards the couch and jumping in beside Kate. She quickly pressed play, excitedly clapping as the commercials came on.

When the preview for the next Harry Potter started, the girl proudly exclaimed, "I'm reading the third book right now!"

Kate only had time to nod before, Alexis continued, "Do you know my daddy's a writer too? He writes mystery novels. I'll be allowed to read them when I'm 13. Have you read them?"

"I have."

"Are they scary?"

"I wouldn't say scary, but very suspenseful. He's quite talented."

"Don't say that too loudly," whispered the girl and they both chuckled.

"Oh, believe me, he knows," she added subtly looking back towards the kitchen.

"Kate?"

"Yes?"

"What is it that you do?"

The question caught her by surprise and though she knew the girl hadn't asked to make her feel bad, she did. She'd thought about it, before. Saying it out loud though, made her feel like such a failure.

"I… Well, Nikki's still quite young, so for now, I'm just staying with him."

"Oh, that's cool."

* * *

The four of them were seated on the couch when the movie ended. Alexis was sandwiched between the two adults, cuddled into Kate's side, sleeping with the woman's arm draped around her, Nikki seated, awake, on Rick. As the ending credits popped up, the girl opened her eyes, disappointed the movie was over, she looked up to her, "Did you like it?"

"I really did, Alexis. Thank you."

"Kate?"

"Humm?"

"Do you like my Daddy?" she asked hopefully.

"Alexis!" he laughed.

"I… Humm.. I… Not as much as I like you, Lex."

"I like you too," mumbled the girl as she straightened up, rubbing her eyes sleepily.

"Bed time, pumpkin."

Alexis lazily got to her feet, "Can you come too, Kate?"

Suddenly, everything was too much, too soon. And she remembered why she'd fought it. No one should have to deal with this, with her. It was going too fast, way too fast. She felt the pressure rise, expectations crushing her windpipe, and she couldn't manage to aspirate the oxygen in, her chest heaving uneasily.

"You… hum… You guys go on. I… I have to go to the bathroom," she muttered as she stumbled up, bumping into the sofa as she grabbed her purse and hurried down the corridor.

"Kate? Everything okay?" she heard him call out, but it didn't slow down her pace.

She closed the door behind her, leaving everything out, the pressure, the expectations. Her back leaning against the door, she frantically searched through her purse, pulling out the bottle of Paxil, the pills she didn't want to need, didn't want to take. Still, she was thankful they were there, waiting. Her fingered frantically played with the cap, unable to calm herself enough to be able to open it, she threw it to wall. Defeated, she breathed loudly, the air trying to enter, tears making their way down her cheeks as her back slide across the door, guiding her to the floor.

This had been a bad idea. It was too much, too much pressure, too much, too soon. She shouldn't have come here, shouldn't have met his daughter. She couldn't do it, because eventually she'd let them down and she couldn't do that to them, do that to her.

Did she have the energy, the strength to love, to care for more than only Nikki and her father right now? She hated feeling like this, insecure and powerless.

It had been much easier when she was a successful cop, youngest to make detective, highest closure rate in the division. But even then, she wasn't so sure she'd deserved him, Richard Castle. More than just the writer; he was a great man, a great father and she didn't deserve that, didn't deserve him. Not now, maybe not ever.

She was a nobody, an ex-junkie, crazy, psychotic. She was so messed up she still lived with her father; they didn't trust her to live alone with her son. She couldn't even support herself. She didn't deserve them.

And more importantly, that little girl, so easily lovable, so trusting, still, undamaged by life, she didn't deserve to get attached. Not when she'd end up disappointing her, because eventually that'd happen.

"Kate?" he called from the other side of the door as he knocked.

"I'm fine," she hurried to answer

"I'm going to put Alexis to bed. Don't leave while I'm up there, okay?"

She stared at the wall, unable to formulate a coherent thought, she couldn't do this. She closed her eyes, the blackness isolating her from the surroundings.

"Kate?" he asked, a tinge of worry detectable in his tone.

"I'll be out in a minute, okay?" she called, trying to not let her voice break.

"I'm keeping your son as insurance, just so you know."

Her son. Nikki. Shit.

This was why she couldn't live alone, couldn't be trusted. She couldn't even do that right, care for that tiny human, completely dependent of her. She brought her hands to her face, her palms shielding her eyes. Breathing in and breathing out, that's how she'd be able to calm down, so she did. She breathed, starting at the knot on the wooden door of the vanity.

Finally, she was ready to go, ready leave, ready to be a mom again. A mom, but only a mom.

Rick was coming down the stairs as she got to the living room. She smiled, best she could, "We should go. Thanks for this evening, Castle. It was really nice."

"You don't think you're leaving, now?"

"Castle…"

"Sit, please."

And she did, even when all the fibers of her being told her not to, she did.

"I don't know what happened to you, why you close yourself off, why you don't let anyone get close enough to actually care, but it's too late, Kate. Because I do. I care."

"I'm not a good person, Rick. I've messed up, I'm messed up."

"Kate, I don't care. We've all made mistakes. I sure as hell have."

"Well you should, because Alexis…You invite me in your home, you introduce me to you to your daughter… You don't know me. And if you did, you wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole."

"I hope one day you'll feel comfortable enough to tell me what happened, but for now, I'm okay with just knowing the person you are, right now, at this moment, the person you've become. Because when I look at you with your son, at you with my daughter, I can see someone that's pretty great. Some one that needs to let go of whatever it is that's holding her back. Because that person…She's strong, Kate and she'll get through this."

"It's complicated, Rick. You've got no idea."

"Then uncomplicate it."

"I'll go say 'Good night' to Alexis," she said as she got up.

"She'll like that."

She smiled weakly, nodding as she walked away.

"Kate?"

She turned around towards him, listening.

"If this has anything to do with what Alexis asked, I had nothing to do with that, okay? I'm not expecting anything, okay? I'm not expecting an answer."

She smiled shyly.

"Friends?"

"Friends," she added.

* * *

**Okay, so don't hate me, people! I still enjoy reading what you think though! **

**Special thanks to CaskettFan5 for volunteering to be my Beta and for his insight on 10 year olds! (Yay me!)**

**And thanks to shadowinthedust, because she's awesome. :)**


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20:

The phone's vibration echoed through the night, and Kate mumbled as she sleepily rolled over. Not bothering to open her eyes, she tried grabbing it from the nightstand, letting out a growl when it fell to the floor. Quickly looking at the picture of the man staring back at her and rolling her eyes at the time, she brought the phone up to her ear.

_A few days ago_

_Kate took a long deep breath in before finally confessing. It was time, "There's something I've been keeping from you." She paused, taking another soothing inhale and continuing, "I've seen him. I've been seeing him."_

_The woman in front of her, crossed her leg over the other as she arched an eyebrow, repositioning the glasses on her face, "Who?"_

_Kate, bit at her lower lip, nervously playing with her hands. She wouldn't look up, "Rick... Rick Castle."_

"_When did this start?" the doctor asked, her eyes piercing through her when finally, Kate looked up._

_She shook her head, her tongue caressing her lips, "I only saw him a couple of times in the span of the last few weeks. I…I-"_

_The therapist crossed her hand over the other, straightening her position, and leaning towards her patient, "Kate, you should have told me. We don't meet here twice a week to stare at the walls and talk about the weather. I need to know these kinds of things if you want me to help. I thought things were going well, but maybe I lowered the dosage too much."_

"_They weren't hallucinations, weren't delusions! He was real, Jessa__."_

"_Are you sure?"_

"_Yes, I'm sure! This isn't what it's about, I'm lucid!" she exclaimed, her eyes watering in anger._

"_It's not what I meant Kate, but you understand, I had to ask."_

_Kate looked at the woman, her upper lip caught between her teeth as she rolled her eyes upwards to contain the tears, swallowing with difficulty._

"_So? It must be hard, seeing him, must be the reason you're telling me this now. There must something you want, something you're ready to ask of me."_

_Kate breathed in, her chest expanding. She nodded discreetly, moistening her lips "I want to be better," she mumbled. She looked up, more determined, her tone louder and clearer, "I want the panic attacks to stop, the doubt to cease and the insecurities. I want to walk down the street and know where I'm going. I want to be able to hold my head up high. I want the last years of my life to have been different. I want to be able to trust others and trust myself." She paused, trying to contain the tears again by staring at the wall in back of the woman, "I want the chance to be happy, the chance to love and be loved. I want you to get me there. That's all I want."_

"_And you think all of this will happen with Richard Castle?"_

"_I don't know. Honestly, I don't know with who or when. With Richard Castle or someone else entirely, in a few months, a few years, I don't know. But I want it, the possibility of a happy ending. I want to be able to paste myself back together, my mind, my heart, my life. I want it all back. I love Nikki, I do, and I love being his mom. But I want more, I want to be a friend; I want to be a girlfriend and a confidant… a lover."_

"_There is no quick fix for this, Kate," added the doctor, smiling in encouragement. _

"_No quick fix? You're kidding me, right? I've been out for months. I'm way past the quick fix."_

"_And you've been making tremendous progress. We were even talking about giving you back full custody of Nicolas. A visit from a social worker and things could get going, from what I've heard and witnessed, you would have nothing to worry about. The only thing that's standing in the way of that is you."_

_Kate sprung to her feet, "Wait. I'm not. I'm not, okay? I'm not better. I can't do it," she exclaimed__ while pacing around, nibbling on the nail of her thumb._

"_Sit down, Kate. You need to get a grip. You can do it, and you will."_

_Still up, Kate's hand ran through her hair, "I'm stuck. I'm stuck between the reality and my fantasies and sometimes I can't make out what happened and what didn't. You have no idea how confusing it gets and how insecure it makes me feel, how crazy..."_

"_You're referring to Mr. Castle, here."_

"_Of course I'm referring to Castle! I thought I was engaged to him!"_

"_Sit, please."_

_She sat uneasily on the couch, her hands tight under her thighs as she stared toward the woman._

"_This is what we're going to do. I'm going to give you a little homework. At home, you're going to sit down and think. You're going to imagine, make up this character from a book or a TV series, anywhere, but fictional. And this make-believe person, you're going to attribute him everything you wanted Richard Castle to be. But he's going to stay this way, as a character, because that's what he was, a character in the movie you played for yourself. Give him a name, a story, everything. Then you're going to put this paper aside, this person, and you're going to write me a list of all you _know_ about Richard Castle. Not what you think you know, not what you want to know. You write down what you really know. This is going to help you separate the two in your head, okay? Think you can do that?"_

_Kate nodded, it sounded easy enough. She got up. Yeah, she could most definitely do that, "Thank you, Doctor."_

"_And Kate, you should keep your distance for a while, until you manage to dissociate him in your head."_

* * *

But that she couldn't, that she can't.

"Beckett." she answered sleepily.

"Beckett, I killed him!"

"Castle, you know it's 3 am and I sleep in the same room as my 6 month old son."

"I did not. No. Wow. Is it that late already?"

"Well now, you do. I'll talk to you in the morning," she whispered.

She was about to hang up, when he exclaimed, "Wait!"

"Castle, no…" she whined too loudly and that was enough to wake Nikki up.

"Damn it, Castle, he better go back to sleep, or I'm dropping his cranky a…bum, at your place later," she growled as she got up, not wanting her son's whimpers to evolve into screams that would wake her father up.

"Gladly," he answered, to which she rolled her eyes.

"Okay, fine, I'll play. Who did you kill?" she asked pulling Nikki out of the crib.

"Derek Storm!" he exclaimed, bursting into her ear, too close to the speaker, holding the phone in place on her shoulder.

"You woke my son up at 3 am, to tell me you've killed off your fictional character."

"Technically, you're the one that woke him with your whining and complaining."

"Seriously?" she said, sitting back in bed, bringing Nikki along with her. She laid him on his belly, a pillow beside him to keep him from rolling over.

"Okay, so maybe I'm a little to blame."

"Talk. You obviously wanted to talk, I'm listening," she added laying her head on pillow, Nikki close to her face, and she gently caressed his back, trying to calm him down. He was pushing on his little arms, trying to propel himself forward in the bed, but failing, to Kate's contentment.

"You were right. It's done and it just feels so… right, so complete. I feel so liberated, like I'm out of the funk, I didn't even know I was in. I need you to tell me it's the right move, that I can press send. I can finally tell Gina, tell Paula to hell with their golden goose, that I can do it again. That I have it in me."

"Kate?"

"I'm listening, Castle," she whispered.

"So?"

"I haven't read it Castle, but you're good. And I have faith in you. I'm sure you'll be doing your readers a favor by writing about something that excites you. And just not for your readers-" She yawned, "for you too, you deserve that."

"Are you going to read it?"

"Of course," she yawned again, "If you want me to, I'll read it."

"I'm so excited! I'm going to do it, Kate! I'm going to change things up, write the book I talked to you about when I met you, about the female detective. I'm going to do it. Honestly though, I thought you'd have a bigger reaction. I should have probably taken the hour into account, and managed my expectations, in retrospect."

"Kate?"

The only answer he got was the steady breathing of the woman that had fallen asleep.

"Thank you, Kate. You were the push I needed without even knowing it. Good night."

* * *

She opened her eyes slightly, pulling the covers over her head when the bright sunlight reflected through her eyes.

_Wait, the sun._

It was the late morning sun, shining through her window, absolutely not the wake-up call she was accustomed to having. Her hand patted the bare mattress beside her and she peeked out, glancing at the time.

_That late already?_

She got on her elbows, searching through her too quiet room. Nikki would never have let her sleep in this late. She couldn't remember the last time she'd slept in. It felt good; she felt good.

The apartment was eerily quiet as she walked to the kitchen, mechanically heading to the coffee machine and pouring herself a still steaming cup of coffee. She closed her eyes, the smell empowering her senses as she brought the cup to her lips.

_Thanks, Dad._

She took the note, stuck on the fridge and read it.

_We wanted to let you sleep, you sounded exhausted. Yes, Katie, you were snoring. Don't roll your eyes at me, young lady, you were. Boys' day out, painting the town. Don't worry about us, have fun today. Say hi to Jules for me. _

– _Dad_

* * *

Bringing the sandwich to her mouth, she laughed. This had been a good idea. It was time she went out; met with people, time she got out of her routine, out of her comfort zone. She laughed like she hadn't in the longest time, reminiscing about the incident in Chem Lab that had happened all those years ago. They weren't the same people they were back then, but their connection remained unsevered, like the years hadn't passed, like the paths of their lives hadn't split along the way.

It felt like they had seen each other only yesterday, because that's the thing with best friends, it's easy. Unlike the rest of her complicated life, this lunch, here with Julie, was easy, simple. Because, best friends, even when they're not there, they're there. They don't judge. They don't fuss. They love and they care and they understand.

"Seriously, Kate, I really can't believe how good you look."

"You've said that already."

"Must be 'cause it's true then, huh?" laughed Julie as she winked at her friend.

She smiled and rolled her eyes, "Well, thanks. _Again_, in that case."

"I'm so glad we're doing this!"

"I am too. I've missed you, Jules."

"I just can't believe you didn't bring Nikki, along. K Becks, a mom, I really wanted to meet him."

"My Dad's babysitting; they were gone when I woke up. I probably have pictures on my phone, though. Do you want to see him?" she said as she pulled the phone out of her pocket.

"Do I?" exclaimed the 25 year old.

"That's what I'm asking, dummy," Kate smiled shaking the phone in her hand.

"Shut up and show me the pictures smart-ass," Julie snapped lightly, grabbing the phone from her hands.

Julie tapped in a password, and looked up, "Still the same password? Becks, you'll never change."

"Stop bitching, and just look at the pictures will you, Jules."

Julie swiped through the picture, gasping in awe, "Kate he's absolutely adorable. I just want to nibble his tiny baby toes!"

"Well control yourself woman, my son's not on the menu."

Jules continued to swipe through the pictures, "Oooh… Who's that handsome hunk?" she questioned as her eyes went back to her friend sitting in front of her.

Kate's eyes squinted at the picture the woman was holding up for her to see. "That would be, Rick."

"Oooh... Rick. Does Rick have a last name?"

"Castle, Rick Castle."

"Richard Castle? The author, Richard Castle?" questioned Jules as she examined the picture more closely.

"One and only. We hung out a few times."

"Girl!"

"What?"

"You're having sex with Richard Castle?"

"Hush! Jules, fuck. There's no sex. God, Jules, why the hell would you even go there?"

"If that wasn't lust in your eyes when you mentioned him, I don't know what is, there's obviously something there. And what the hell does "hang out" even mean these days?"

"We hung out, Jules. As in with our kids, watched a movie, went to a ball game,-"

"Katherine Beckett, you met his kid! Is it serious?"

"Nothing's happening, we're friends, only friends."

"Bullshit, Becks."

"Seriously, Jules nothing happened."

"Why? You're hot, he's hot. You're clearly attracted. He likes you enough to let you meet his kid. What's the set back?"

"It's complicated."

"Always is with you!"

"Jules, just listen okay?" And at that Kate Beckett told Julie Lancaster everything, the whole uncensored version of the last year of her life.

"That's really fucked up, Kate."

"I know."

"How do you manage, after everything, to be able to see him, like nothing's happened?"

"Well, nothing did happen Jules."

"You know what I mean, it must be so fucked up. I don't know how I'd deal."

"I can't either, that's the problem. I was at his loft and-"

"You were in his loft!?"

"Jules, not the point. Shut up and let me talk."

"Okay, continue."

"I was at his loft and everything was fine, more than fine, everything was great. Until suddenly it wasn't. Like everything hit me, and I couldn't breathe anymore. The walls were closing in on me."

"Oh, honey!" Jules exclaimed, patting her friend's hand.

"But I also can't manage to stay away, which is also the problem. But I talked to my therapist about it, she gave me some homework, said it might help."

"What is it?"

"She thinks it might help if I start associating my delusions to a fictional character, from a book, a TV series or a movie."

"Hahaha!" Jules exclaimed. "This can't be serious, a book character? Becks? Where the hell do you think they get these ideas? Sometimes the therapists really make you guys do anything that passes through their head. A book character, seriously?"

Kate's eyes widened at the statement, "Oh my god, Jules, I love you!" exclaimed Kate as she hurried up, putting 20 bucks on the table. "I have to go," she said as she quickly hugged her.

"I'll call you later!" she called out, already halfway across the restaurant.

Julie sat back down, smiling.

What the hell had she said?

* * *

**I love you all. Again, thanks to my beta:)**

**Any thoughts?**


	21. Chapter 21

**I'm back! ;) **

**I know it's been a while, hopefully, some of you are still here. Hope you enjoy!**

**Thanks to my beta who assured me this wasn't as bad as I initially thought!**

* * *

Three determined knocks echoed, and he opened the door in a swift motion, inattentive to the person standing in front of him, fist in the air. His head was shot back in his daughter's direction, laughing at something the little red head was saying, as she waved her hands dramatically. When Castle finally turned around towards the unexpected visitor, a surprised expression molded his features, "Beckett? Hey!" he exclaimed.

She titled her head, unsure. "Is this a bad time?" she asked, a tentative smile forming on her lips as she stood, leaning by the doorway.

"Don't be ridiculous, Kate, you're always welcome," he stated as his features softened, a smile adorning his lips, "Please. Come on in. I wasn't expecting you, that's all, but you know there could never a bad time for you," he added pulling her in by the elbow.

"Hi, Kate!" greeted Alexis as Kate walked in, waving her hand in the air, seated in the middle of the living room amongst a huge pile of Legos.

Kate replied with a smile, "Hey Lex! You've got a lot of toys there!" She then looked playfully at Rick and asked the girl, "Are they all yours?"

The 10 year old chuckled, "Daddy has some Star Trek ones! But most are mine. Wanna join?"

"In a couple of minutes, okay sweetie?" she answered, she had come here on a mission, and she couldn't get sidetracked now. The girl nodded, content, and went back to building her model. Kate watched her play for a second, maybe she was building up her courage, or just trying to avoid the unavoidable. When her attention went back to Castle, and she lost herself in those blue eyes, she couldn't remember why she'd come, frozen in place and time.

"You want to come in, or are we doing this thing where we stand awkwardly at the door?" he laughed, motioning her to the open area around him.

She chuckled nervously, the spell broken, back to reality it was, back to the mission she was here to complete. She bit the bottom of her lip as the rashness of her decision was making itself known, her heart trying to beat out of her chest. If she went through with it, there would be no going back. It would be out. Was she really ready for it to be out in the open? Was she ready for him to know? Was she really doing this? Was she ready for this? The thoughts, the doubts, the insecurities jumbled around in her head.

"Kate?" he asked inquisitive, his eyes worried, so engaged.

She was, she was doing this. She didn't have to say everything, but just enough. She was definitely doing this, but how?

"Yeah. Castle, there's… Yeah, there's…" her eyes wondered around the apartment, "You should… sit. Yeah, let's sit…" She twirled a strip of hair around her finger, pensive, shooting him a weak smile.

"Is there something wrong?" he asked preoccupied.

"No, there isn't, it's fine," she assured him, but the high pitch in her voice, indicating her level of stress in her voice didn't have him convinced. She shook her head, modeling a weak, wanting to be encouraging, smile. Clearly, she wasn't giving the right impression, she could see it in the way he looked at her, but she couldn't help it, this was a big deal. "I just need you to sit down for a sec. There's something I need to ask you."

Kate followed him to the kitchen, where he sat down at the island, "Kate, you're kind of freaking me out a little, where's Nikki?"

"No, Castle. He's with my dad, everything's fine," she assured him quickly. "I'm going to tell you something and I need you not to laugh, okay? Because I'm not sure I'm going to be able to go through with it if you do." she added, the pace in her words magnified by stress and by the fear that if she thought about it enough, she'd suddenly decide to back down.

He nodded as he furrowed his brow, "Sure," he replied uncertain, a smile starting to form.

"Castle?"

"I won't laugh Kate, it's just, you're really stressed out about this."

She rolled her eyes.

"It's cute," he added, shrugging his shoulders innocently.

She narrowed her eyes at him, and he chuckled, bringing his hand to his chest, "I will not laugh. Cross my heart and hope to die."

She smirked, shaking her head at his shenanigans and breathed in loudly, "Okay, ever since I was a little girl, I've been an avid reader, something my mom passed on to me. I've always loved books, getting lost in the alternate reality of the stories, the decors, the characters-"

"Yeah? Nothing too funny there, Kate."

She narrowed her eyes, but he was right, maybe she was beating around the bush a little, "Okay. I've always loved books, the reading part, that's the part I'm good at. But the writing part, not so much, and you well… you're you. I mean you've got the writing part down, right?"

"Kate, what the hell are you babbling about?"

"You're an incredible writer."

He grinned, nodding.

"And I'm so going to regret saying that, but you are, Castle. But you're lacking something right now, and that's inspiration. So here it goes. There's this story and it's stuck in my head, and I feel the only way I can let go of it, that I can get it unstuck, is by writing it, fictionalising it. It's taking over my life, my real one, and I, well I… I thought we could work on that together, I've got so much time on my hands right now, I think I'm going to go mad, _or madder_, if I don't find some sort of outlet."

He looked at her, speechless.

"Castle?"

"Woah Kate."

"It's stupid, I know. I never should have asked."

"No, Kate, it's not. It's weird, it's a little unorthodox, but it's not stupid. Nothing you ever say or do is ever stupid."

"Then you don't know me really well, do you?"

"Co-writing a book, why not? Let's hear it!"

"Hear what?"

"Your story?"

"_My_ story?" she asked uneasily.

"Well, _the_ story…"

"Oh, right."

"Come on, Beckett, don't be a tease. You know you've got me all excited."

A faint smile formed at the corner of her mouth, as her eyes widened playfully.

"About, the book. Geez, woman," he whispered, shaking his head, shooting a glance towards Alexis, "Children."

She chuckled, "Yeah, I don't think I know where to start."

"How about from the beginning?"

"Golly Gee thanks, I hadn't thought about that," she joked sarcastically.

He smiled, folding his hands beneath her chin, giving her his full attention, "I'm waiting."

She breathed in and started, "It all started with a detective. She was all work and no play, fueled by her quest for justice, her need for the truth. A detective molded by an unspeakable tragedy, one that she carries with her every day. Her life takes a turn when a case comes along that will ultimately change her, when she's forced partner up with-"

"A man."

"Castle. My story. But yes a man, a ruggedly handsome, slightly arrogant, majorly childish man. He's funny, he's playful and he annoys the crap out of her."

He laughed, "Sounds like a hell of man."

"Shush. It starts at a crime scene, when she recognizes it from one of the books she'd read…" Beckett talked, and recited, how she had, for quite some time, thought she had spent the last 6 years of her life. Slowly, the characters materialized in front of her. She couldn't tell how long she's been talking, how long she's been there, but after she'd been through the party, the bomb going off in her apartment, getting stuck in a freezer, almost getting eaten alive by a tiger, from a stormy rainy night to an afternoon by the swings, when she finally finished her tale, feeling a whole lot lighter, two Castles where seated in front of her, the glimmer of excitement in their eyes.

"Wow," he stated. "That was…"

"Did they get married? I bet she looked like a real life princess, huh?" asked the littlest Castle.

"Yeah Beckett, did they get the fairy tale ending?" he asked excitedly.

"I don't know."

"You don't know? What kind of story is that Beckett, there's no ending!"

"Well, I think they do. I hope they do."

He shook his head with a smirk, "But seriously Kate, that was just… wow. It was so…real, so raw, so much emotion. I felt like I was there with you, you sure you need my help?"

She smiled shyly.

"Seriously Kate, you've got me speechless, and that doesn't happen often, doesn't it, pumpkin?"

The red head laughed, shaking her head, "Nope."

"I like it, Beckett. Where did you get it? Did you steal it?"

"Just something in my head. Maybe one day I'll tell you," she added as she got behind Alexis, running her hand through the girl's hair.

"I'll take you up on that," Castle added.

She smiled, bringing an arm around the girl, her chin resting on her shoulder, gently bumping the side of her head with hers, watching Castle pace excitedly around the kitchen.

"We could even ask Ryan and Espo, to help! The two sidekicks you described, I kind of saw them there. I'm sure they won't mind. Where should we start? When? This happens in New York, right? We should get started on some research."

"Dad, stop turning in circles, you're going to get dizzy," laughed the child.

He stopped and looked straight at Kate, "Does the detective have a name?"

"It's-" she started, hesitated for a second, then opted for "Nikki. Nikki Heat."

_An oldie, but a goodie._

He laughed, "That's one heck of a name, Kate. Cop by day, stripper by night, right?"

"Exactly what I had said."

"What?" he laughed.

* * *

**Any thoughts? **


	22. Chapter 22

This actually wasn't going half bad, the working together part, seeing him, all the time, wasn't as hard, as awkward, as she had expected it to be. Things were good. There was no Detective Beckett and plucky side-kick Richard Castle dynamic. There was this, Kate and Rick, and she could live with that, with them, just like that, because things were good, things were really good.

She smiled as she looked at him, so excited, so kid-like, concentrating on the, not so white anymore, board, writing, erasing, connecting with arrows in elation. It was easy to get excited about the things surrounding her when Castle was by her side, his humour contagious, his facial expressions always so revealing. She had missed that, even sometimes wished she was a little more like him, a free-spirit. The detective Beckett part of her had come to love this part of him, and she, as a whole, had craved it.

Getting up, Castle beamed out proudly, "Our very own murder board." He stood there, pensively observing his handiwork, a hand holding on to his chin, "It's too bland though, not enough of the Castle Bam. We should add pictures, maybe drawings" he stated as he pulled the blue marker out of his back pocket and started to draw what she presumed was intended to be a spaceship.

Taking a step back to once again stare at his handy work, he tilted his head in every direction to properly admire it, until he finally, confessed, "Okay, yeah, drawing's definitely not on the list of things I'm good at."

Kate smirked at his craftsmanship, the drawing was awful. She shook her head, still smiling, adding in a light-hearted tone, "Your board's way too cluttered, Castle. Murder boards look nothing like this. Your timeline, not like they'd do it."

"And how would you know?" he asked, turning towards her, his eyebrow arched playfully.

"I just do. Now shut up, and come here, we have to work," she suggested, motioning for him to come to her with a tilt of her head.

"All work, and no play, Beckett," he pouted.

"One of us has to. You're all play and no work. How do get any books published?"

"I have my methods," he added cheekily.

"Which consists of writing in a frenzy with 20 cups of coffee flowing through your blood stream, 2 days before your deadline?"

He nodded, impressed, "Pretty much, how did you know?"

"Lucky guess," she smiled.

She patted the empty place beside her, on the couch of the office, "Now come, I need your help going over something."

"We're just pitching them the idea of you and I working together, Kate. No need to go wild over this, it's me; they'll say yes, they think I'm a genius. Derrick Storm's dead, nothing more they can milk there. Plus, I already have a contract for three more books; this is just a question of renegotiating it so-"

"First of all, Castle, it not _you._ It's _us_, and they don't know _us._ They don't know me. Second, this isn't going wild, this is getting prepared, something normal people do before a meeting."

"But that's bo-ring, Kate. How about we go whip something up in the kitchen instead?"

She breathed out loudly, her tongue trailing her lips while biting at the lower one. She looked at him for a couple of seconds before confessing, "I like going in fully prepared. Mastering what I can, that way I can stay on top. It's who I am. So I'm going to stay in here and continue working on this spreadsheet. You, you can go in the kitchen if you like."

"Okay, fine then," he added as he jumped on the couch beside her, smiling. "What can I do for you, my lady?" he asked as he gently bumped his shoulder into hers, forcing a smile out of her.

* * *

Stepping out of the building, Castle turned toward her, "Well that went, pretty well don't you think?"

They walked side by side, and she answered, with a smile, "It did indeed, if we overlook the fact that your publisher, slash ex-wife, clearly hates me. The glaring downs she gave me, god. You'd think she'd at least try to hide it. Do you think it's because she recognised me from the book signing?"

"Probably. She wouldn't forget the pretty face that pulled me away from it, that caused her to deal with a mob of angry housewives," Castle said, nonchalant, as he winked at her.

"Shit."

"Hey, she's just jealous. See if I care. That's just Gina for you."

She shook her head, containing the smile, an eyebrow in the air, "You care! You're happy that we got a reaction out of her, aren't you?"

"That I am," he added seriously.

She smirked, "Maybe we should have walked in holding hands, then. Made out a little when we came in," she added, continuing her route casually.

He shivered, his eyes wide, and brushed his hands through his hair. Exhaling loudly, he shook his head before running up after her. Once walking beside her again, he added, "Signed you on the spot, renegotiated mine. Did I mention how good it went?"

"I believe you did," she said, not slowing down her pace.

"Oh, and did you see Gina's face when I told her Nikki Heat would be moonlighting as stripper?"

Laughing, she answered, "My kicking you violently in the shins probably was a dead giveaway though."

He stopped to massage his leg over his pants and Kate stopped too, turning towards him a playful smile on her lips, and he stated, "Yeah I'll be feeling the effects of that joke for the next two weeks, I'm sure I have a monster bruise there." He looked up to her, "Ouch, Beckett."

"You'll survive."

Getting back up, he added, "Worth it. That half second was priceless. Wish I could have taken a picture of her face."

He laughed to himself, "How awesome would it be if we could actually print out mental pictures like these. If we could like, connect our brains to printers, find a way to link the neurotransmitters of our brain to an electrical motherboard or something. God, I should fund a project like this."

"As much as I love hearing you ramble about, Castle, I already told you, I have to go and pick up Nikki at Jules, she's almost at the other end of town and her shift starts at 4. So, I'll see you on Monday."

"Alexis has drama class after school."

She chuckled, "How many extra-curriculars do you make that poor girl take, _Rick_?"

"Hey, it's all her. She's quite the over-achiever, but I think she wanted to take drama mostly to please her grandmother."

"The infamous Martha Rodgers."

"That she is."

"See you Monday, Rick," she called out once again, disappearing down the subway entrance.

Halfway down she stopped, turned around to the sound of the footsteps behind her, "Rick, you're following me."

"I'll be all alone until 5," he pouted.

Shaking her head with a smile, she asked him, "You want to accompany me to the other side of town, Mr. Castle?"

"With you asking so nicely, how could I say no?" he replied, walking past her swiftly, down the concrete stairs.

* * *

Castle and Beckett stood side by side as they waited, patiently behind door number 16, when finally it opened in an expeditious, totally Julie, kind of way, as she exclaimed, "Becks!"

She eyed both guests, a grin starting to form on her lips. Kate growled to herself, hand pointed to Castle as she started, "Hey Jules, this is-"

"This handsome hunk must be the charming Rick, huh?" Julie quickly cut off, pulling them both in by the forearm.

Castle, looking over at Kate, arched an eyebrow and smiled as they passed the arc of the door. It made him happier than it probably should have to hear. They'd been spending a lot of time together lately. _A lot._ It made sense that she'd talked about him, talked about him to her best friend. It made him wonder though, what exactly she'd been saying, what she really thought of him. Because he couldn't stop thinking about her, the mystery he couldn't quite figure out yet. He examined her; alert to any reaction on her part that would give it away.

Julie, a witness to the look, and detecting a hint of hot pink on her friend's cheeks, the tell-tale of her teeth biting at her lower lip, she added, looking over to Castle, "Yeah, Nikki told me all about you. Quite the verbal skills he's got that one."

Kate shook her head, rolling her eyes but smiling.

_Smooth, Jules. Real smooth._

Jules bumped her hip into Kate's hooking her arm with her friend's and dragging her to the living room. "I'm going to need all the help I can, if we want to put Nikki's things together before I'm late for my shift at the restaurant, his stuff could be anywhere. Why did you have to pack so damn much, Becks?" Walking through the entrance hallway, passing the bedroom door on her left, she called, her head shot back in the direction of the entrance door, "Well don't just stand there Rick, all hands on deck."

"I liked handsome hunk better," Castle shot back as he proceeded to take his shoes off.

Jules chuckled, "I like that one, Becks," as she brought her arm around Kate's neck and kissed her cheek, whispering in her ear, "Plus, he's even hotter in person. You lucky rascal."

Kate stopped abruptly at the sight of the mess in the living room, Castle a couple inches behind them stopping in their tracks exclaimed, "Woah."

"Hey. No judging, I had no freakin' clue." Julie laughed.

"No judging," Kate stated, tilting her head and resting it over Julie's, still amazed at the condition of the place. Julie was no neat freak, but this was something else.

"You're a life saver, and I owe you one for doing this," Kate said as she tried climbing through the room to her son. Now she knew why it had taken so long for her to answer the door, this was a sport in its own.

"Nonsense Becks, you owe me a million," Julie called out laughing. Kate smiled, recognising some of the toys they'd played with as kids; even saw Mr. Muffler, the stuffed duck Julie slept with until 7th grade. She really had gone all out, and it made her love her even more.

"Maybe I do owe you a million," Kate laughed turning towards her, crouched over the playpen.

"Seriously, looks like there's been a tornado in here," Castle added.

"Yeah, there was a tornado alright. 10 month old Tornado Nikki. He crawls everywhere, opens everything! This is like, my third shirt!" Jules exclaimed.

"Don't blame this all on Nikki, Jules, I know you," Kate replied, picking up the baby, with a sly smile and an arched eyebrow.

"Fine one mustard stain was my fault. But, I'm telling you Becks, I've got nothing over that kid, he's the mess monster or something. It's unbelievable!"

Kate held Nikki up, bringing him up so his face would be above hers. He giggled, his little legs kicking through the air, as she peppered kisses on his rosy cheeks, "But he's so cute, he's worth the mess. Aren't you, my man?"

"Oh yes, I love the little devil man," Julie added, "But keep him away from me, I have to change for work."

Kate walked back to them, stepping over toys, blankets, textbooks, pens and magazines. "Who could resist this face?" Jules added extending her arms to them, "One last kiss for the mess monster," she added, kissing Nikki's neck repetitively, and tickling his tummy, making him squeal with laughter.

They turned around to the sound of water running in the kitchen, to see Castle rinsing the dirty bottles on the counter, "And he cleans too. Kate, if you don't want him, mind if I take a shot?" said Julie so low that only would Kate would hear.

Kate's eyes widened, her mouth ajar.

"Jesus Christ, Kate, I was kidding. Will you two just get it on already?"

* * *

He heard the door close behind them and from the couch he greeted his daughter, "Hey, Katie."

After putting everything down, she smiled, adding, "Hey, dad," as she kissed his cheek and sat Nikki on him.

Holding him under his short little arms, Jim stood the boy up on his thighs, bouncing him up and down as the Nikki laughed, "You have fun with your Aunt Julie, Nikki?"

Hearing her son giggling, Kate, in retreat, looking through the baby bag on the entrance floor, turned towards them, stating jokingly, "Careful, that little game might backfire on you, dad."

"He just ate?" Jim asked, stopping the bouncing.

"We stopped at Remy's, after picking him up. Alexis was feeling like cheeseburgers; he ate some veggies and cheese. I'm going to warm up a bottle before putting him down," she answered casually, heading to the microwave.

"You were with Rick all this time?"

"Yes, dad, I'd told you I'd be, last week, when I asked you if you could babysit."

"I know, but I thought your thing finished earlier."

"It did, but we felt like stopping at Remy's. I'm 25, dad, not 16. I didn't think I needed to give you a play by play."

"You've been spending a lot of time with Rick lately."

"That's one hell of an observation here, dad," she called out sarcastically from the kitchen.

He turned around on the couch, and looked at her with a scowl.

She shook her head, a faint smile on her lips, "Yes dad, I've been spending a lot of time with Rick."

"Still on that secret project of yours?"

"Yes, dad," she added, and Jim turned back around slowly, his attention going back to Nikki.

A few minutes later as she screwed the bottle shut, checked the temperature and walked back to the living room, her father asked, trying hard to smile as he did, "And you're okay? You're doing okay."

"I'm great, dad."

He breathed out loudly, liking his lips before asking, "Still going to your meetings?"

"What's with the interrogation, tonight?" she answered callously.

"I don't know. You've been secretive lately. I just… I worry, you know?"

"Seriously dad? I was with Rick. You know, Rick, the guy you pushed me towards in the first place. I can't believe you. I didn't tell you because I wasn't sure it would work out, not because I'm out getting high in the back of an alleyway. You want a urine sample, officer?"

"Katie, it's not what I meant. I worry, you're my daughter, it's what I do. I can't help it. It was just there, at the back of my mind, working at me and I thought it'd be better to ask."

"You still don't trust me," she added with a tremble in her voice.

"I trust you Katie, I do. But-"

"Dad, there should be no buts, not anymore. Almost a year since I detoxed, 6 months since I got out. I'm not going back, dad, I couldn't. I couldn't do that to you, couldn't do that Nikki. I know I've messed up, and I messed up big time, and there's nothing I'll ever be able to do to make up for the pain I caused you, nothing except do my very best every day. Nothing but get up every morning and try to be the kind of person mom would be proud of."

"I trust you Katie, I do."

"Good," she growled. "I'm glad we've got that settled, then," she added dryly as she picked Nikki up and walked to the bedroom, closing the door behind with a little more force than necessary.

It was more than half an hour later that Kate tiptoed out of the bedroom, closing the door gently behind her. She knew she shouldn't do it, try and put her son to sleep when she was a mess, when her emotions were overpowering her. She couldn't help it, couldn't do anything about it. She was mad when she'd entered the room, but she wasn't anymore. 45 minutes with her son, her own flesh and blood had made her realise, she wasn't mad, she was sad, disappointed, like she'd never overcome it.

Her father was sitting at the kitchen table, hands folded over the table, clearly waiting for her, "Katie, sit, please."

"It's fine, dad. We don't need to talk about it anymore," she tried to smile, as to say everything was okay, that she was okay, that they were okay.

He wasn't easily fooled, but seeing as she wouldn't sit, he went on. He was sorry for the way things had transpired, the way you're not fully in control when strong emotions cloud your judgement, but she needed to know.

"Katie it's not okay, because I really do trust you. Or at least I really want to. It's just for the first couple of months, it was just us three, and you talked to me. Now, you have Julie back, you have Rick. So you talk to her, to Rick, and I'm in the dark. I worry Kate, always will, I'm your father, it's in the fine print. I'll worry even when your 45. But I trust you."

She smiled lightly, more sincere this time, her eyes starting to water when he added, "Kate, you've come a very long way, and I'm proud of you."

Walking up behind him, she hugged him around the neck, both arms around him, she said in a voice that was starting to crack. "I'm sorry, dad, I'm so sorry."

"Kate there's no need to apologise."

"There is, dad, because I don't think I have yet. I'm sorry I made you go through all this, I'm sorry you had to see me hit rock bottom, sorry you had to find me half alive in a puddle of my own puke, sorry for everything I told you. Sorry for not giving you the chance to grieve mom. Sorry for not helping you through it, dad."

He smiled, stroking her arm still around his neck, "Apology accepted, Katie." And they stood there, for a moment, not moving.

"We're writing a book," she added as she sat beside him.

"What?" he asked in a joyful tone.

"The secret project. Rick and I are writing a book together."

"Wow."

"About a savvy detective and an annoying mystery writer tailing her," she added, an arched eyebrow as she nodded.

_Yes, your hearing this right, dad. _

"Does he know?" he inquired.

"Maybe one day."

"I'm very happy for you Kate," he added, sincere. Actually, he was a lot happier than he was letting on.

She looked down at he fingers, playing together, she asked, timid, "Dad?"

"Yes, Katie?"

"Do you think it's possible? For us, to be friends? Just friends?"

"You and Rick?"

She nodded slowly.

"Well is that what you want?"

She shrugged her shoulders.

"I think that's the better question to ask, Kate."

"With everything-" she started.

"Kate, stop thinking about everything else, and just think right now, at this moment, what you want. That's all that matters. No one can understand it like you do, Kate. You have to be the one to make the decision for you."

"I know," she added as she exhaled.

"Kate?"

She looked at him with pensive eyes, smiling lightly.

"She's proud," he stated, and as she looked at him, a ball formed in her throat and a single tear slowly streamed down her cheek.

She hoped she was.

* * *

**Once again. Thanks to my Beta, CaskettFan05, for the corrections and useful hints, but mostly for managing me and telling me that I'm too hard on myself.**

**Hope, you guys enjoyed this pretty long chapter. I love to hear what you think!**


	23. Chapter 23

Alexis walked out, her book bag on her shoulders, and scanned the sea of adult faces looking for her dad's. A couple of seconds of searching had the girl conclude that he wasn't there.

And he was always there.

He was always there.

The girl furrowed her brow, wondering, still searching, and amidst the amalgam of people waiting by the gates, she recognized another familiar face, waving at her. Relieved, Alexis excitedly cried out, "Kate!" as she ran to the school's open gates.

Kate crouched, catching the girl into her arms and reciprocating the bear hug she was caught in, and she mumbled in the girl's hair, "Hey, bud. I'm happy to see you."

Letting go of the girl, Kate waved to the women, standing at the doors, and chuckled to herself. She'd been to this elementary school enough times to be recognized by the pick-up lady. How had this happened? How had she managed to step in this life? Managed to be sane, content… Happy.

It was an idea, a state of mind, once upon a time so far away, unreachable even, but today, yesterday, tomorrow, she found herself happy; content in the little things that made up her day. In the way her son's fist crumpled up her shirt when he heard the garbage truck pull up. In the way Alexis cuddled up to her side as a movie progressed and her eyes started to shut. Or in the way her father sung, under his breath, when he opened their apartment door, coming home from work.

It was with the way she rarely found herself thinking about Detective Beckett and her plucky sidekick, the way real was slowly edging its way to the surface where she had thought hallucinations had taken root forever.

And she was happy.

After years of struggling to find it after her mother's murderer had taken it from her, after she'd spiraled out of control, after she'd lost herself and struggled to find who she was again, after she'd pushed her emotions aside, the people she loved away. She'd finally managed to find it again, happiness, with her father, with her son, and to her surprise, with Rick, with his daughter, in the ordinariness and normality that was her life.

She watched as Alexis, excitedly tickled the boy's sides, buckled into the stroller, as she cooed a, "Hey, Nikki," placing a kiss on the top of his curly set of hair. The red head laughed as the 11 month old giggled, giving her a mostly toothless grin as he excitedly babbled, kicking his feet with intense glee.

Kate couldn't help but smile, because her son, he loved the Castles as much as she did.

Alexis beamed, and looking to Kate for confirmation, she asked, "I get to push the stroller, right?"

"Of course, Lex," Kate winked, moving over to let the girl take the lead.

The 10 year old smiled, asking casually, as she moved into position, "Where's dad?"

"There was an emergency. He asked me to fill in," Kate simply answered.

"Oh," the girl added, her eyes narrowing to the ground, trailing circles with her right foot.

"Every thing's fine, bud," Kate encouraged, pulling the red-head in a side-way hug, and placing a kiss on the top of her head. Emergency was not the word she should have used. It sounded scary, and dramatic. She should have found a better word. There probably was nothing to worry about. Most certainly there was nothing to worry about. She should have used another word; she hadn't meant to worry the girl. In what was Kate's most cheerful tone, she added, "It's you and me for a bit, Lex. Then, your dad will join us."

"And Nikki," the girl pointed out softly, seemingly relaxing, squeezed in place by Kate's arm around her.

"Of course, and Nikki. We can't forget the little rascal," Kate added, nodding, while loosening her pull on the girl. "What do you want to do? Are we being studious, and going to the loft? Doing our homework?" she questioned, giving the girl an overly bored look, dramatically rolling her eyes, to Alexis' shy amusement.

"Are we going conventional with a trip to Central Park? Or are we going all out and buying some pretzels, and going to the museum?" added Kate with more excitement as Alexis seemed to ponder on the options.

Then, Alexis' eyes widened as her smile grew, and she exclaimed, "All out!"

"That's what I'm talking about," Kate winked.

Alexis' excited eyes then narrowed to the ground, and her arms found their way to her back, as she confessed, "But I should do my homework."

Kate's fingers pressed the girl sides, tickling, teasing. "Or you could do them later," she smiled, "I'll help you," she winked.

Alexis shyly smiled in response and Kate stated, "Play now, work later, huh."

Alexis chuckled, "You sound like my dad."

"Yeah. I think he's rubbing off on me," Kate chuckled in turn, putting her arm out so Alexis would grab it. The girl looked at her, smiled, and placed a hand in the crook of the woman's elbow, adding jokingly, "Except he never works. He always plays."

A high pitched sound from the stroller demonstrated Nikki's approval, or maybe his need for attention, and Kate chuckled at the statement; the man did love to play.

They started their walk again, Alexis behind the stroller, and a few paces in, Nikki, still babbling to himself and to everyone around, in his mysterious baby language, that Alexis either understood, or at least pretended to, clumsily threw his pacifier away in a moment of excitement. Kate mindlessly walked to the side, picked it up and shoved in her pocket as they continued their journey towards the Children's Museum. Turning towards Alexis, she asked, "So, anything interesting happened today?"

Nicolas answered in place of Alexis, babbling loudly, intermittent with angry shrieks, making his discontent known, causing Alexis to stop in her tracks, shooting Kate a concerned look.

Kate bent in front of the stroller and Nikki's arms shot up, his small hands opening and closing as his mouth made sucking movements on an imaginary pacifier. She shook her head, "Baby, I can't. Your binky's all disgusting now," she explained, trailing her fingers in her son's unruly hair.

A whine demonstrated his disapproval as crocodile tears trailed down his chubby cheeks, his arms still in the air, rocking back and forth, grabbing an imaginary pacifier.

"Nikki, you threw it on the ground. This is New York City, it's nasty," added Kate, rational in front of her son's distress.

The baby continued his cries, and Kate, not proud of her lack of detachment, of authority, couldn't bear with it, with her son's helpless cries. So, she took the pacifier back out of her pocket, and her son's eyes grew wider as she wiped it on her coat.

Rolling her eyes, she stated, "God, I'm disgusting," as she winked at Alexis before popping the binky in her mouth and sucking it a few times. She gave her son the pacifier back, and content, he set his set of curly brown hair back in the stroller, silent.

…

Alexis smiled looking at the scene unfold, a spectator. She found herself feeling jealous of Nikki, not that she'd ever realise it, not that she'd ever verbalise it, but he had a mommy, he had Kate, and recently, Alexis found herself pretending she was her mother too.

Alexis had her father, she couldn't say she wasn't happy with her dad, she could never say that; he was a great father. They slayed dragons and saved the princesses together. They played laser tag and pretended the floor was lava. They read stories and had pancakes for breakfast, but sometimes, Alexis wished she had one, not a mother, because she had one of those, Alexis wanted a mom. One to tuck her in, sing a song or read a story. One to braid her hair and talk about her day. One that would just show up, for no other reason than to be there.

So, in times like these, she found herself pretending, wishing even, that Kate wasn't only Nikki's mom, that she was hers and that with her father, they made a great big family.

"Kate?" Alexis asked tentatively.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

"For what, bud?"

Alexis shrugged her shoulders, smiling shyly. It had been her and her father for so long now, this private club, this little bubble, impermeable to the outside world. It had been her and her father when he was married to Gina, and it was her and her father when Meredith came over for a visit.

She didn't fully understand what was happening between Kate and her father, but she was grateful for it, grateful for the woman that had managed to come in and make them… complete.

They weren't the typical mommy and daddy. They didn't sleep in the same bed; they didn't even sleep in the same apartment. They didn't kiss on the mouth or hold hands in the park. But even in her ten year old mind, Alexis understood they cared more about each other than certain moms and dads she knew. It was in the way they looked at each other, they talked to each other. It was in the way Kate was there for her, for them, even in the everyday banalities.

Then she answered, "For coming to get me when dad couldn't."

The girl's grin couldn't help but grow as she looked over to Kate, who answered, "Always, Lex."

It was her and her father.

Or it _had_ been until Kate had entered their impenetrable society.

And Alexis was grateful for Kate, more than grateful, she loved Kate.

"So, what happened in the fifth grade today, bud?" inquired the woman.

Alexis beamed to the women as she answered, "So, so much."

* * *

**I know I suck on the updating, hopefully with summer here, and recovering from a major writer's block (or over-thinking it block!) the updates will come more regularly. Hopefully I haven't lost all of you.**

**Once again thanks to CaskettFan5 for the beta. He's still amazing.**

**Share your thoughts. :) Or don't, I'm not the boss of you. Anyways, thanks for reading.**


	24. Chapter 24

The children's museum had been a good idea and Kate mentally gave herself a pat on the back as they strolled through the Egyptian interactive exhibit. Nikki was still too young to appreciate it, but, with his pacifier in his mouth, he seemed mesmerized by the different colors and sounds, attentive to the decors and costumes. Alexis also seemed to be having a blast as she took it upon herself to explain everything she was reading to Nikki who couldn't possibly understand and to Kate who listened attentively.

At the moment, Kate was seated, quietly bouncing her son up and down on her lap, as he let out intermittent bursts of laughter. They watched from further away, Alexis and another perky 10 year old she had met, play a game that included hieroglyphics, mazes, treasures and some kind of insects, a game Kate hadn't even attempted to understand.

Their childlike giggles came back to her and she smiled, picking up her vibrating phone and bringing it to her ear.

"Hey, Rick," she greeted.

"I'm done with the hospital. I'm at the loft, where are you guys?"

"Children's museum, I-"

"That place is awesome! We used to spend hours on end in this place before Alexis started school."

"Do you-"

"I'm coming over," he stated. "What exhibit are you guys at?"

"Egyptian," she chuckled, and before she could let out another word, he had hung up.

Rolling her eyes, Kate put her phone away and, ticking her son's sides, she added, "Looks like Rick's joining, baby boy."

And he had.

In record time, he had.

"Hey, dad!" exclaimed the red-head seated on the floor, waving from a distance when her father joined them.

"Hey dad? That's it. No hug? No kisses. Ouch," he exclaimed and Alexis rolled her eyes, going back to her dress-up game with Stephanie and Nikki, a couple yards from him.

"You're spending too much time with Kate," he groaned comically and Kate had to chuckle at the red head's reaction. It did look like the girl had picked up on her signature move.

Rick turned towards Kate, sitting beside her, "No troubles with pick-up?"

"No troubles," Kate acquiesced, "How's Martha? Everything all right?"

"She's going to be fine. A sprained wrist and a pretty massive bump on her head. Though, I still set her up in the guest room for a couple days at least. The doctor said it would be better if she wasn't alone tonight in case of late signs of a concussion, just to be safe."

"Good. That's good, no lasting damage."

"She's been at the loft for one hour and already it's the "Martha Show" in there. She was with a couple of her troupe buddies at the loft when I left, being her dramatic self. They were vehemently bashing on the acting of the Lifetime movie that was playing on TV and setting up how they would have done a better job at it. Looks like they were having a good time, so my guess is, she's going to be just fine. I think her ego was more damaged than her arm in the fall."

Kate smiled, "Glad it was more scare than hurt."

"I'm still going to sue the life out of the décor manager, though. It was completely reckless, completely irresponsible, he was-" stated Rick.

"Rick, it was a crazy accident," she reassured, placing a hand on his forearm, comforting. "Martha told us so. It's not worth the trouble. The guy was already a mess, he's sorry. Suing him wouldn't amount to anything."

Rick shrugged his shoulders, "I guess so."

Kate smiled at him, "You know so," she added, and when he nodded, she turned towards where the kids were playing; gently patting the skin under her hand as they silently watched them.

Alexis soon afterwards, irrupted excitedly in their faces, all smiles, as she asked, "Kate, Stephanie's mom is taking her and her sister, Vanessa, to a presentation. It's about the construction of the Great Pyramids and it's in fifteen minutes. Can we go too?"

"Really?" Castle exclaimed laughing, "Kate? No dad? Should I just, go?"

Alexis' head bobbed to the side as she placed her hands on her father's knees, leaning into him, she stated, "Dad, you know I love you, but we both know who calls the _shots_," making Castle's jaw drop and Kate erupt in an unconstrained laughter.

…

Kate crouched down and placed the baby in the hollow of Alexis' diamond-crossed legs, seated in the front of the room. "Just motion me if he gets to be too much, bud, I'll be in the back with your Dad," Kate said, pointing to where Rick was leaning on the wall. "Nikki will probably fall asleep somewhere during the presentation though, he had a really short nap. He shouldn't be too much trouble," she winked at the girl.

Alexis gave Kate a thumbs-up as she wrapped her arms around the boy, and Kate walked back to Rick, who smiled, his eyes not leaving her, as she settled beside him.

"What?" she asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"Nothing," he responded, shaking his head repeatedly.

"Spit it out, Castle," she demanded gently.

He quirked his head and shrugged his shoulders as he managed to let out, "You're just good with her."

"Everybody's good with her, it's her trademark or something," Kate laughed lightly.

"Yeah… Not Meredith," he stated serious, looking to the front of the room, avoiding her stare.

"Rick…" she said, her eyes narrowing on him and her hand finding his, squeezing it gently.

"What? It's true," he said, with a little more emotion than he had intended to, turning towards Kate. "She isn't. And I wish Alexis could have had it. I wish she hadn't been stuck with Meredith. But that's on me, right? I wish she had someone…" His gaze diverged from hers again, as he went back to fixating at a point in the front of the room. He added, almost in a whisper, "Like you."

She paused, smiled shyly, and adding in a whisper that matched his, bumping her shoulder to his, "I wouldn't have hated that either."

"You wouldn't?" he asked turning his whole body towards hers.

Kate laughed, "I mean minus the whole Teen Mom part of it, but yeah, sometimes I wish she was mine." She shrugged her shoulders and said, "I wish Nikki turns out half as great as her. She's just an amazing little person, Rick. She's smart, she's kind and she's funny. And _that's_ on you."

He smiled a glimmer of pride in his eyes as he looked to his daughter, chatting away in the front of the room. She added, "She's a people pleaser. She's great with Nikki. She's great with you. She's great with everybody. That's on you too. _Mostly._"

"I'll take mostly," he added.

She smiled, turning to face him completely, and her eyes inadvertently went to his lips for a second, only a second, the only second she had allowed herself in a while, a very long while. They quickly shifted back upwards, to his deep blue eyes, getting lost. And in that moment, she saw something in his eyes, something she'd never seen before, something new entirely, or something she hadn't been willing to see, hadn't been ready to see, until now, something she needed, something she wanted.

As much as she told herself she was okay with it, that she was okay with being friends, just friends. She wasn't going to spend her life only dipping her toes in the water, never fully getting wet, never jumping in. She was there, he was there, and she wanted more. She wanted so much more.

And with the simple glimmer of his pupil, the split second it took, she realised it.

She just wanted him.

She didn't need to get shot in the heart to hear it.

She didn't need to dangle off the edge of a building to realise it.

She didn't need a swing set in the pouring rain.

She didn't need the story of the hard wired detective and her plucky sidekick writer. She didn't need any of it.

She just knew.

All she needed was him, him in this less than romantic setting.

So, she bit at her lower lip and smiled, bringing her hand up, her fingers trailing the side of his jaw as she slowly moved her chin upwards. And she knew he wanted it too. His face dipped towards hers, his eyes closed, as did hers. And finally, she got to feel the warmth of his lips on hers, as his arm snaked at the small of her back, mindlessly pulling her closer.

As the kiss started to deepen, and their tongues battled for dominance, a pitch black room joined their staggered breaths as the lights died down completely, and the loud snap of a whip, had them both jump back to where they were, when they were, and their lips parted.

Smiling.

* * *

**Any thoughts?**

**As usual, I want to thank CaskettFan5 for the beta. You're the best, dude. :)**


	25. Chapter 25

She chuckled, and he gently bumped his forehead with hers, stating, with a soft laugh, "So, that killed the mood."

"Was there really a mood to kill, though?" she whispered, straightening back up. "We're in a museum. A _children's_ museum," she chuckled, and motioned to the play happening before them.

"Yeah, I really do love this place," he added dreamily, laying his head to the wall behind him.

She smiled, playfully rolling her eyes at him, and their stares both found their way to the front of the room. But the kiss, the contact had awakened something in her, something she couldn't put back away, something that prevented her from concentrating on what was happening in front, something primal. She couldn't concentrate, not when she knew, her whole body knew, that he was just inches from her, inches, that could easily be shortened. It was distance she'd been comfortable with long enough, but not today, not anymore, so Kate shifted a bit, and Rick pulled his arm around her, and she smiled, falling into him.

Her hand found its way to his thigh and rested there, as her thumb ran clean circles on the material of his pants. It was a short moment later that Rick breathed out, "Keep it PG, Beckett."

"It's your thigh. I'm pretty confident this is PG," she winked with a chuckle.

"Yeah, well it's been… I mean….your hand, it's awfully close to-" he started in a whisper.

A malicious smile formed upon her lips as her finger to feathered the fabric of his pants, slowly moving upwards.

"Devil woman," he hushed, grabbing her hand in his and bringing it to his chest and holding it there, as he crossed one leg over the other. She let out a stifled chuckle as she set her head into his chest mumbling an apology.

Their eyes darted forward, and Rick swiftly let go of her hand, both their bodies stiffening when they heard a hushed "Kate" coming from the front of the room, and an 11 year old red head motioning for her to come.

Quickly, Kate stumbled to her feet and went to meet the girl, crouching beside her, she asked, "What is it, bud?"

"He won't stop squirming. I don't think he likes the show."

"I'll take him, don't worry about it Lex. Watch the rest of the presentation," she told the girl, as she picked her son up. Giving Rick a small smile, and mouthing, "It's fine," Kate, with Nicolas balanced on her hip, quietly walked out of the room.

* * *

Kate didn't know how long ago she'd stepped out, five minutes, maybe, when Castle came out of the presentation room, closing the door behind him as he asked, "You guys, okay?"

Kate, seated on the floor, in the middle of the hallway, smiled in response, turning towards Castle, and his eyes widened at the scene before his eyes. "He can walk? You didn't think that was worthy of a mention?" he exclaimed, coming towards them in what Kate would describe as a skipping motion.

She grinned, proudly, as she answered "Can't walk per say, but he started _this_ a couple days ago." She motioned to the boy clumsily putting one foot in front of the other as his tiny hands held on the stroller Kate was, with a discretely placed hand, helping him push.

Castle quickly scooped the boy up, brought him in the air over his head making the baby shriek with excitement as the man praised him. He repeated, "Good job! Good job! Good job!" blowing intermittent raspberries on the baby's tummy. Bringing him down a bit, to eye level, he kissed his cheek, before placing him back on the floor.

Nicolas crawled back to the stroller and Kate helped him to his feet, with her foot under his touh. When his small hands had their firm grip on to the foot part of the stroller, and his bum moved up and down, which Kate interpreted as "Go, mommy, go!" she gave the stroller a light push, to help the baby and his too heavy walker.

Castle chuckled at the scene, at the short legs, uncoordinated, moving slowly behind the stroller and the ever so proud grin of the boy, who was getting the feel of it. "I'd forgotten how exciting this part could be."

"Yeah, it's pretty freakin' awesome. You should have seen my dad when I showed him yesterday," she smiled, as he got closer to her.

Holding out his hand to her and helping her to her feet, he asked, pulling her to him, his hand rested on her hip, "So, that thing that happened in there, it's yeah… It's okay, right?" He smiled questioning, "We're good?"

"I'm good. Are you good?"

"I'm more than good, Kate," he stated, and Kate's arms wrapped around his neck, her fingers playing at the small of his neck, getting lost in his eyes, shining, so alive.

Simultaneously, Rick and Kate turned their heads in the direction of the sound Nikki made, as he crashed into a bench, falling straight on his bum. He looked around, his eyes stunned, wide, but dry, and both adults started laughing, making the boy laugh in his own, loud, baby way.

Kate placed a quick kiss on Rick's lips before saying, "But maybe we should keep the PDA to a minimum. I think it's distracting to the little people."

"You're talking about Alexis?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm talking about Alexis."

He smiled, and she pulled him closer, "Don't think Nikki's going to tell on us, and he's already down, so what's the harm?" She kissed him, deeper this time, just enough to be mildly inapriate in the setting they were in, and as she pulled away, she stated, with a sly grin, "Now go back in. Make sure your daughter doesn't get kidnapped or anything."

"Wow. Thanks for the visual."

"Always," she winked, as he walked back to the presentation, purposefully swaying his hips and making her chuckle.

* * *

Kate didn't know what she was doing here, couldn't tell why she had left, wasn't able to say why she hadn't just stayed.

It wasn't like she hadn't wanted it, _needed_ it at this point, but she had still left.

Maybe it was the lingering feeling that if she got close, too close, he'd run the other way. Maybe it was the thought, buried deep inside that feared what would happen when there'd be no more invisible barrier between them.

She didn't know.

He hadn't pushed; he'd been the perfect gentleman, like he understood when she wasn't even sure she did.

After Kate had helped Alexis with her social studies homework, which the girl clearly hadn't needed. After they had done the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. After they'd put Alexis to bed, and Nikki to sleep in the playpen they had placed in Rick's Office. After Martha had gone up to bed giving them both a knowing look, like she knew, like she could tell, they'd crossed the blurry line that had separated them until now.

After they heard the door of the guest room close, their eyes met and smiles formed on both their faces, they finally had the crowded loft to themselves. He extended his arm and she took his hand as he pulled her closer to him and placing a small, almost shy kiss on her lips. His arms, cradled her, his strong hands rested on her lower back and her cheek rested just above his heart.

The time that had passed could have been an eternity, or merely a second, she couldn't tell. Time, hours, minutes, seconds, they'd lost their meaning, everything around her was gone but the strong sound of his beating heart, the smell of him hypnotizing, dangerously addictive.

She wrapped her hands around his neck, and looking into his deep blue eyes and she smiled, as her heart's beat quickened, no longer in sync. Her tongue trailed on her lower lip, slowly. They were doing this, they were really doing this, but all she found the courage to say was, "It's getting late, maybe I should head home."

He'd smiled and nodded, placing a kiss on her forehead, like it was the perfectly natural thing to do, and she'd left, just like that.

But she hadn't gone home, she just simply couldn't. She'd told her father not to wait up, that everything was fine, but she needed something else, someone else. So she'd stopped at the convenience store and now, here she was, knocking on her best friend's door, a sleeping baby in one arm, cookie dough and milk hanging in the other, as she hoped Julie would answer.

The girl opened the door, a quizzical expression forming her features, "Becks?"

"Jules, I'm glad to catch you home," Kate breathed out.

"Yeah, well you know me. Med-students, we never go out."

Kate stared at her best friend, arching an eyebrow as she entered.

"Okay, that was a lie," chuckled Julie, "Come, come. You wanna put Nikki down on my bed?"

"Is it made?" asked the brunette, skeptical.

Julie narrowed her eyes at Kate, "Takes about 30 seconds to make, _cleaning police_."

Kate followed Julie to her bedroom, and watched as the woman pulled the comforter back in place, smoothing it as she winked at Kate, teasing her. Once the bed was made, Kate settled the still sleeping baby slowly, as to not wake him, in the middle of the bed as Julie placed all the pillows and cushions around the boy. The boy already seemed pretty barricaded when Julie's index shot up in the air, illumination decorating her features, as she ran out of her bedroom, stating, "I have more cushions on the couch!"

When Nikki was _more_ than safely surrounded, and there was no part of the bed that wasn't either covered by the baby or the cushions, they got back to the kitchen as Jules asked her friend, "So, what's up with _Rick_?"

"I," she started before her eyes narrowed on her friend, "How?" she questioned, her backside leaning on the counter, her arms crossed at her chest.

Julie let out a chuckle. "Cookie dough? _Please_. Who do you take me for?" she asked, handing Kate two spoons and reaching for the glasses.

Kate chuckled and Jules, placing the glasses on the counter, asked, "You guys have crazy monkey sex yet?"

"Geez, Jules, you're obnoxious," Kate rolled her eyes.

"Fine. Katherine, have you made love to your writer boy?"

Kate glared her down, quirking her head slightly to the side.

A smile erupted from Julie's serious face as she let out, "I know, I liked the crazy monkey sex better too, that's why I opened with it."

Kate couldn't help but smile, that's why she had come to Jules instead of her father, for comments like these ones.

…

"I don't know how slow you guys can actually go without going backwards, Becks."

"The intimacy-"

"Oh intimacy, inti-shmancy," the woman brushed off.

"Damn it, Jules," groaned Kate.

"Okay, look, I get the sex part, I do. But sex, it's only a small part of it. You met his kid. You _love_ his kid, Kate, and he loves yours. He saw you break down on the floor of his bathroom. He was there the day you fucking lost your marbles. I say you're pretty damn intimate already. Okay, there's sex. Oh, sex. Great big scary sex. But not like you're a virgin, not like he is either. You're making it a big deal, when really it's not. He's seen them, the raw, bare parts of your soul. He's seen the scary, deranged part of you, and that's the most intimate you can get, and he's still here, Kate. So stop overthinking everything. Your life is good right now."

"We never really talked about _it_."

"You mean your… descent to hell?"

Kate nodded.

"Has he asked about it?"

"No."

"Then what's the big deal? You'll talk about when you're ready to talk about, and it seems like he gets that, Kate. He gets you. You've been in this platonic, sexual tension filled relationship for months on end. A relationship that has nothing to do with the messed up trick you mind played on you. This isn't jumping the gun. God, Becks, this is so not _jumping_ the gun. Just rip the fucking band aid already."

* * *

Castle picked up his cellphone from the nightstand beside him, and quickly glancing on the number displayed, he answered, puzzled, "Kate?"

"Hey, I didn't want to knock or ring, but we're at the door. Can you… Can you open up?"

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed, lovelies.**

**As per usual, I want to thank my awesome beta, CaskettFan5.**


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